Disappointment.

So the house saga continues….it’s a long story and I won’t bore too much with the details but basically we had our offer accepted on the house (and were ecstatic!), then lost it within about 3 days because two Estate Agents both expected the sale commission from the owner (we’d originally seen the house 8 months ago at a higher price through a different agent).  The owners had another offer on the table after accepting ours…so they had a predicament – they could either sell the house to us and try to reason with the estate agents (via the ombudsmen) to get a just outcome, or face potential litigation from the one they didn’t pay….or they could dump us as the buyer and go with a “clean” sale. 

You can guess which they did (fairly understandably from my perspective!!)

So another door has been firmly closed on us.  (It’s a shame because it was a lovely door attached to a lovely house!)

We keep praying for God to guide us (see last blog entry from my good lady!), and I’m sure He is indeed doing that….but we’re still really disappointed that we’ve lost another house that could have really worked well for us as a family home (and all because of Estate Agent ethics!)

Our current rented house is very nice in many ways but it doesn’t really feel like ‘home’ as we can’t really make it ours in the way we could if we owned it.  It was really cold in the winter too (old house, lots of draughts, very expensive to heat) so we really don’t want to do another winter here if we can possibly avoid it.

When we originally moved here in August we planned for a 6 month rental and negotiated the contract accordingly because the rental cost is really high.  It’s now 10 months later and we’re back to Square One on the house hunt. 

House buying and selling feels like it’s consumed too much of our thinking for way too long! 

We do have a roof over our heads, of course, and we’re very grateful for that!!

Sometimes, to be honest we feel like the psalmist in Ps10:1 “Why Lord do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”

He hasn’t hidden himself of course…but the whole process hasn’t worked out in the way we’d hoped it would, and to be frank we oscillate wildly between complete frustration and annoyance on one hand to trusting that God has something waiting for us on the other hand.  Our huge daily challenge is to choose peace in the midst of the turmoil of it.

I reckon it’s fairly easy to trust God in theory, but living it day-to-day in the stuff that matters to you, when you’ve had disappointments like we have, feels much harder….

We're gonna choose to keep trusting through disappointment.

One day I’m sure we’ll look back and laugh!  

Guidance.....

Another guest blog from the lovely Mrs M....

A couple of weeks ago at the end of a very tough week for various other reasons too, the Estate Agent told us that the owners of our dream house had accepted someone else’s higher offer. 

We knew in theory it was ok - God knows best, He has always led us before, His ways are higher than ours, His plans have worked out so much better than what we thought was best many, many times.....but despite all that we felt bewildered and disappointed.  We wavered between accepting peacefully that we had pushed that door thoroughly and that God had closed it, and feeling total confusion about what we thought God had said to us....Have we given up too easily?...Were we wrong all along?...Is God going to step in and miraculously win us the house? 

Maybe this will all still happen in 5 years, 10 years – maybe we’ve simply got the timing wrong.  Maybe God doesn’t want us to do the work we feel we’d love to do with young widows and widowers.....maybe, maybe, maybe......

We also have the option of another house just down the road which would work for us as a family, is in a good location for us but doesn’t really lend itself to the widowed young work...

We’re not very good with indecision.  We desperately want to be settled in our own house, without the enormous rent bill we are facing each month (we see everything in terms of university fees for 5 children...) and to be honest the state of limbo we have been living in for almost 2 years as a new family is beginning to take its emotional toll on both of us.  Sleep in particular has been evading us and we need plenty of energy to cope with 5 teenagers!  So, in our disappointment and confusion we lost our enthusiasm for looking for houses. It all just felt too hard. 

We ground to a halt.

Then one morning, I woke up with enough enthusiasm to have another look at possible houses we had previously discarded for various reasons – and came to one we had viewed last September but decided wasn’t right.  It had a smaller garden than our dream house had – that garden was the most beautiful ‘sanctuary’ garden and we could see it being a wonderful place for grief stricken people to retreat to (as well as a great place for the kids to play!).  This house also had no garage (though had footings in place to build one), was in a tricky position for school runs and was on a very quiet country lane which we wouldn’t really want our kids walking up alone in the dark....and we felt it was overpriced.  The price had been reduced several times since then, however; I would be driving the children around on the whole and could always meet them with the dog at the end of the lane; maybe we could compromise on the ideal garden and longer school runs?  On the plus side, it had loads of space inside and had potential for having people to stay – perhaps we could convert the garage once it was built? That had been our plan with the dream house. Off we went to look at it with two daughters in tow. All was as we remembered.  The one new development was that we discovered the owners had planned to have an annexe as part of the house, so drainage and plumbing were in place for easy conversion. Craig and I caught each other’s eye as they explained this....we went away deep in thought.  The children were very enthusiastic and couldn’t see why we didn’t jump at it more quickly.  But we were still wracked with indecision.  Was this God’s plan?  What about the dream house?  What about the down sides?  Why didn’t we feel more certain?  How could we hear God's guidance?  The decision just felt too huge.

My Bible study group (a group of very lovely and very wise ladies!) has been following a study about prayers in the Bible.  I have found it really helpful to think about different ways of praying.  I spent my Monday morning dog walk laying everything before God. I asked yet again for our dream house and told God just how we felt we could use it for what we felt He’d put on our hearts. I listed promises from the Bible, thanking God for answered prayer, telling Him all about our indecision and how we just did not know what He wanted us to do.  I told Him that we felt like we were out on the water and didn’t even know which way the land was any more.  As I prayed, I realised that what we really wanted wasn’t actually the dream house or any particular house – it was just to know that we were on God’s paths and not straying from His will – so that’s what I asked for.  When I told Craig about it later, he said, “And was this a two way conversation?  What did God say?” Good question!

So, the next day I went back with our lovely dog Sam for the other half of the conversation.  I had woken with the words of the Amy Grant song based on Ps 119 in my head – ‘Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path’. I apologised for not listening and asked God to bring something from the bible to my mind that would help us in our confusion; something to settle my mind that God hadn’t left us alone, that He would lead us to the right place and that we were still on His paths.  And here’s what I felt He said:

As I walked round the corner into the woods I came to a tree in the middle of my path.  I see it every day but had never noticed how the path neatly splits in two to go round it then meets again and continues on.  Both paths lead to the same end.  Neither is better than the other.  Perhaps God could lead us on His paths in more than one way and we could still end up where He wanted us.  Perhaps there isn’t always only one ‘right way’ to go...

Ahead of me, the path twisted and turned.  I noticed that you couldn’t see what was round the bend until you walked almost to the end of what the eye could see – then the next section of path became clear.   We need to keep walking even when we can’t see what is round the corner.  We don’t get to see the end of the path ahead of time, but it doesn’t mean we should stop moving. 

Running alongside the path is a lovely clear stream (Sam likes paddling in it!).  As I looked at it, into my head came the words ‘You lead me beside still waters’. So I decided to read Psalm 23 as I walked.  I looked it up on my phone – though I know it really well I’ve got a mixture of versions in my head and I wanted to read it clearly.  The rest of what I felt God say to me are in the words of the texts I sent Craig later in the day:-

v3 – ‘He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.
Felt like it was speaking directly to us – just what I asked for yesterday!

“v4 – ‘Even though I walk through the darkest valley...’

Our valley is dark! But it promises that even when we can’t see them, He’s guiding with His rod and staff.

“v5 – ‘You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies’

I think our biggest enemies are grief and death – but God has good things for us even in their perpetual presence. Ps 27v 13+14 again!

“v6 – ‘...and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever’

That’s the house we really want to be in J. And wherever our house is, He’s there and it’s His.

The following day, the verses in Living Light which I read every day were all full of the same promises.  Ps 119 v 105 was there again, and so was Ps 23 v 4.  And two more that I found utterly reassuring:

‘If you leave God’s paths and go astray, you will hear a Voice behind you say’ “No, this is the way; walk here.”’ Is 30v21

‘Since the Lord is directing our steps, why try to understand everything that happens along the way?’ Prov 20 v24

God hadn’t left us floundering – just because we felt in the dark, it didn’t mean that He had left us.  He wasn’t going to let us make a big mistake – He was guiding us whether we felt it or not!  We needed to keep walking, keep taking the next step, and He would take care of the rest.

So, here we are, several days later.  After prayer, consideration and listening to wise counsel from dear friends, we are waiting to hear whether our offer on this new house has been finally accepted.  It feels daunting and we are almost too cautious to allow ourselves to get excited.  But we know that whatever happens, God IS guiding us, as He has been throughout these last years.

Let's see what happens this week !

We're a Special Family Day #2

Well the house hunting continues.  Our "dream house" is now sold subject to contract (but not to us!).  We're choosing to remain peaceful about it all...it's only a house!  We've decided to take a few weeks off thinking about houses!  If you're praying for us though, please feel free to not take a break :-)

This past year has been a big learning experience for me.  I've learned a lot more about this grief journey.

I described it to Ellie as being like dragging round a heavy ball and chain all the time....in so many ways we are so 'normal' but the painful memories of the past hang around you and just don't let go. No amount of "positive thinking" or prayer remove the pain of the past.  Everything in me wants to move forward (and I guess I am slowly) but sometimes it feels like it's just so hard to do, and often it feels easiest to just stop trying.

So my top 10 learning points so far over the last year or so have been :-
1. I will never be the same again.  "You never move on, you just learn to keep moving"
2. I can't cope with stress like I used to be able to.
3. I can't concentrate like I used to be able to.
4. What was I saying, again??  Next : I have to accept that I just can't do some things that I used to be able to.
5. I must accept (and look for) what I've been given, rather than concentrating on what's been taken away.
6. The feeling of, "Gosh am I actually going mad?" is likely to keep coming back at very regular intervals
7. The grief journey is not linear - you don't start to grieve and then gradually get better - there are huge ups and downs (which you can't predict the magnitude of or when they will happen, and it's cyclical - ie you re-visit things you thought you'd dealt with previously).
8. I feel emotionally exhasusted pretty-much all the time
9. I need to be aware of my (and Ellie's) danger signs
10. Every grief journey is very different, (but often there are similarities)
11.  Children are more resilient than adults - they seem to have a capacity for living in the moment that adults find difficult to do.
12. The build up to an anniversary is normally worse than the date itself.  All birthdays (particularly the children's birthdays) feel "on the edge"
13.  I can no longer count to 10.

Ellie and I have now developed a new emotional rating system.......more on that in the next blog !

Yesterday we celebrated our 2nd Annual "We're a Special Family Day"....presents, food and laughter (see point 5 above)

Timing...

A guest blog from my beautiful wife Ellie.....

Over the past few weeks I have been reading about Moses and how he led God’s people out of slavery in Egypt.  Many times I have been struck by parallels between Moses’ journey and our search for houses….not that we are in slavery of course (though the rent feels like it sometimes!) but more in the way that God was in total control of the situation and its timing; and that Moses’ part was in obedience, in faith, even when the answer from Pharaoh was a constant ‘No’.

I remember back to a morning some weeks ago when I was about to go into my ‘body balance’ class. We had just re-submitted the previous offer on our ‘dream house’ which we would love to use, not just for our family, but to offer a sanctuary for young widows and other people who need a good rest and someone to look after them! It really is a house beyond our wildest dreams (with a price to match) and feels like such a big ask…

Anyway, Craig rang me to say the Estate Agent had just called and wanted to talk about our offer.  My exercise class passed in a blur of wild hopeful imaginings and desperate praying – only to find after the class that our offer had been refused. Again. We felt so disappointed….That morning I had inadvertently deleted the email containing that day’s Bible study but found, when I got home, that it had been re-sent.  God’s hand I think…It was all about the way Moses had to keep returning to Pharaoh, and each time Pharaoh said he could leave, God would harden his heart and he would change his mind again.  And so it would all begin again for Moses, despite each disappointment.  He kept on going back, though he must have felt hopeless and foolish. I was reminded, too, of the verse which says ‘The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord’ (Proverbs 21 : 1)– I’d been reading about that in Edith Schaeffer’s book L’Abri.  Our house owner isn’t a tyrant slave owner or a king, but his heart is in God’s hands nonetheless and it was such a comfort to think that if God wanted us to buy the house, He could change decisions and minds to help us and make our way clear.

So, we are now a few weeks on.  We still hold out hope for our dream house; we do now have another option which we are considering which would also suit us as a family, but as far as we can see wouldn’t easily allow us to welcome other people and look after them.  We have felt for some time that this is what God would like us to do….so now it all comes down to timing.  We constantly question whether we have heard God’s voice right, as I’m sure Moses did! Last week we re-offered on our dream house – after much reviewing of finances and wrangling with trusting God with our savings (or future lack of them!) we increased our offer a little – as much as we can.  And the owners didn’t say no – they have asked for time to think it through, though it is much lower than they’d hoped.  The waiting and praying and hoping and imagining continue.

I read this morning about the crossing of the Red Sea (Exodus 14 : 9-31)

Forget the Hollywood recreations of the scene. It was the middle of the night, the darkness pierced only by the light from a pillar of cloud behind the Israelites (v 19). It was blowing a gale (v 21). The ground (as verse 25 implies) was probably muddy and pockmarked with pools of water. On either side were moving, unstable piles of water (v 22). It was scary, and not just because of their surroundings.

Israelites were scared of the sea. They saw it as dangerous and unstable, the haunt of sea monsters and the forces of chaos. Childhood phobias lurked at the back of their mind as they hurried through this fearful scene, conscious of the huge Egyptian army pursuing them from behind.

God’s presence

Can you, like me, remember scary times like this? Do you also remember the calming, constant presence of a loving God with you at such times?

From the beginning of time, God’s Spirit (often, as at Pentecost, identified with wind) has hovered (Genesis 1:2) over watery, chaotic darkness and transformed it into something beautiful and surprising. God is still willing and able to do that today.

‘Lord God, I give you my fears, my darkness and my chaos today. Please bring your creative light and Spirit into all of it and make it into something beautiful and productive for you.’

As I prayed through all of this on my morning dog walk (my favourite time for praying!) I was reminded of God’s perfect timing over our journey so far; of the verse ‘I am the Lord; in its time I will do this swiftly’ (Is. 60 : 22) which has been a meaningful verse for me in the past too; and of a song I loved as a child (anyone else remember Psalty the singing songbook?).

In His time, In His Time

He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord please show me every day
As You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time.

In Your time, In Your Time

You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord my life to You I bring
May each song I have to sing
Be to you a lovely thing
In Your time.

God’s plan and timing are perfect.  Often what we think God’s plan should be isn’t right or best for us.  He sees the bigger picture.  We have seen that in the past, and are choosing to trust it for the future.    We’ll keep waiting and praying.

Wedding day...

Today my dear friend Richard is marrying his lovely fiancee Elli. 

Ellie (My Ellie that is!) and I have done Richard and Elli's marriage preparation over the past few months which has been a huge privilege and very enjoyable....we've been really looking forward to today!

This morning, I awoke with a song in my head which I haven't heard for years...this song was one of Karena and my favourites in our early years of married life together (before children)....mostly because it expressed our hearts' cry to our heavenly Father and our desire for our own lives and for our own marriage.

I have been praying through the main principles of the song for our dear friends on their wedding day today (whilst hoovering, washing and polishing the car) - I confess that I've been fairly tearful in doing so because of flooding memories of Karena... but God knows all about the pain and it's ok to cry.  I'll be holding onto (my!) Ellie's hand during the wedding - because I love her dearly and I am likely to get a bit gushy !

I have the best job of the day today - taking the bride to church !  The Landy looks good eh?!

The sun is shining...

It's Easter weekend...and the sun is shining !  I'm so glad to have a long weekend off work...it's been so busy recently.  Part of me enjoys the busyness, part of me hates it...but I'd have to say that I've been much more efficient at work recently. 

Easter weekend doesn't just mean holidays of course.  I had a look at my old blog posting from Easter 2010 here this morning...Easter is resurrection time.  Easter is full of hope.  Jesus really did rise from death.  Death really is defeated.

Ellie and I still cry quite a lot....we and our children have both lost so much....

In the words of Third Day.....

Yesterday I found
That everything I knew was wrong
It was upside down
The life I thought I had was gone

But You came and whispered love to me
And You gave me strength to carry on

Oh, the sun is shining
There is hope for me again
A new day's dawning
The sun is shining

Yesterday I lost
Everything I had and loved
Then I cried out for You, Lord
And You came and picked me up

And the sorrow lasted through the night
But the joy came with the morn

I will lift my voice
No, I won't be silent
For You heard my cry
And You turned my mourning into dancing
And so forever I'll sing

Yesterday...

Long time, no blog.....(thanks Sarah for reminding me!)...
Yesterday was my daughter's birthday party....this is a photo of the cake that Ellie made (it's absolutely huge!!)....for the bakers amongst you, you may recognise it as the same as Martha Kearney's effort in the Comic Relief Great British Bake-off  which was on TV a few weeks ago.

Yesterday we also went to see three houses.  We still have our eye on our dream home too.

We're trying to be more purposeful about finding a long term family home...this rented house is lovely size-wise but it's cold and expensive.  We're all getting a little more chilly and poorer by the day !  Whatever happens we really don't want to be here for another winter.

So here's the housing dilemma...
Ideally we would like everybody to have their own bedroom (ie 6 bedroom house or 5 bedrooms with an extra downstairs room that we could use as a bedroom), we also need to get children to/from 3 different schools in Reading town/Woodley/Earley which is logistically a challenge.  Ideal locations would be Earley, Woodley or Shinfield (where we currently are).

Possibles are -

House #1 - Dream home.
Pros : Good location (Shinfield). 6 bedrooms, lots of space, ready to move in and go, lovely inside, big and beautiful garden.  Possibility for future use as a respite retreat for people widowed young (we'd love to do this).
Cons : We can't afford it (without a huge mortgage and with kids potentially going to university starting in 1 years time, a large mortgage seems foolish)

House #2 - Country Bungalow
Pros : 6 bedrooms, good size garden, lots of reception rooms, ready to move in and go, lovely inside.
Cons : Not-so-good location (Barkham - 6 miles out) - 1 hour out of Reading on bus route (middle of nowhere). Ellie will become Mrs Taxi for 4 children on schools run, 1 child will get lift with me then hop on the bus for final bit into Reading.

House #3 - Wokingham commute
Pros : Close to Wokingham train station (3 children can get themselves to/from school on train), lovely inside, big garden, big kitchen/main living area, close to Wokingham town centre, older house.
Cons : Need to use downstairs room as a bedroom, close to road, 1 reception room to provide escape from noise, some slightly concerning cracks in the walls

House #4 - New build
Pros : new build (3 years old), very tidy, warm, nice dog !
Cons : Not-so-good location (Barkham-see house #2 for school run details), need to use downstairs room as a bedroom, quite overlooked, small garden, strange "juliet balcony" from main bedroom (suitable for child suicide attempts!)
  
Confused !?!


Matthew 28:20 (Jesus said) "and surely I am with you always to the very end of the age". Amy Carmichael writes :
He does not say simply 'always', as of a uniform duration, but "all the days", as if he would take account of the changing aspect of storm and sunshine, of light and darkness, which chequer our course, in other words, "all the days and all the day long"

Today it's the Reading Half Marathon...my training has been somewhat fitful and I have done no running for the last 2 weeks due to pulling my calf (doh!)....I will be pondering all of this as I trudge the streets of Reading....

If you have any suggestions on housing, please feel free to comment or email us !