Monday, 6 May 2013
We're a Special Family Day #2
This past year has been a big learning experience for me. I've learned a lot more about this grief journey.
I described it to Ellie as being like dragging round a heavy ball and chain all the time....in so many ways we are so 'normal' but the painful memories of the past hang around you and just don't let go. No amount of "positive thinking" or prayer remove the pain of the past. Everything in me wants to move forward (and I guess I am slowly) but sometimes it feels like it's just so hard to do, and often it feels easiest to just stop trying.
So my top 10 learning points so far over the last year or so have been :-
1. I will never be the same again. "You never move on, you just learn to keep moving"
2. I can't cope with stress like I used to be able to.
3. I can't concentrate like I used to be able to.
4. What was I saying, again?? Next : I have to accept that I just can't do some things that I used to be able to.
5. I must accept (and look for) what I've been given, rather than concentrating on what's been taken away.
6. The feeling of, "Gosh am I actually going mad?" is likely to keep coming back at very regular intervals
7. The grief journey is not linear - you don't start to grieve and then gradually get better - there are huge ups and downs (which you can't predict the magnitude of or when they will happen, and it's cyclical - ie you re-visit things you thought you'd dealt with previously).
8. I feel emotionally exhasusted pretty-much all the time
9. I need to be aware of my (and Ellie's) danger signs
10. Every grief journey is very different, (but often there are similarities)
11. Children are more resilient than adults - they seem to have a capacity for living in the moment that adults find difficult to do.
12. The build up to an anniversary is normally worse than the date itself. All birthdays (particularly the children's birthdays) feel "on the edge"
13. I can no longer count to 10.
Ellie and I have now developed a new emotional rating system.......more on that in the next blog !
Yesterday we celebrated our 2nd Annual "We're a Special Family Day"....presents, food and laughter (see point 5 above)