Monday, 21 January 2013

A makeover ?

Last week was a dawning reality for me as I realised the extent of how much my character has changed following the horror of 2009/10.  In summary, my work wanted me to lead a team of people on a project in a fairly pressurised environment with multiple deadlines, conflicting requirements, lots of changes, man management etc….and I just can’t do it because I can’t deal with pressure and stress like I used to be able to…..that kind of thing just makes me panic now.  So I had to sit down with my boss and tell him that I can’t do the job….and if they insisted on it then I would have to leave because I care more about my health than my job (I was very gracious but honest!).  As I’m on a short-term contract with just 1 week notice period, and a huge house rental to pay every month it’s not the conversation I really wanted to start the New Year with.
As if the pain of the journey wasn’t hard enough to deal with and all the horrible memories which haunt every waking hour….I’m now realising, almost 3 years down the line, the ongoing cost to my emotional well-being and just how much my character has changed.
People have told me that externally I seem very normal (whatever that is ?!?!?!).  I’ve also been told that I’ve “got over my grief very well.” But such comments and thoughts contain little understanding of the grief journey and what is bubbling away just beneath the surface.  So before anybody says it, I will…
  • Yes I can look to the future,
  • Yes I have more life to live,
  • Yes I have a beautiful wife and a lovely family,
  • Yes God is with us,
  • Yes there’s laughter to be had,
  • Yes there are great memories from the past too
  • Yes there are more great memories to be had in the future
  • Yes Yes Yes….
That’s all true, but you can’t remove the sad memories, the horror of what you walked through and the angst in your heart by thinking happy thoughts or by just being purposeful about enjoying life into the future (however good that might sound).  The bad bits just sit there waiting to consume you (and they do way too often!) 
It’s a good job that Jesus hasn’t changed cuz I feel like I've had a total makeover !
PS : The good news is I’ve still got a job (at the moment !) 

Sunday, 20 January 2013