Friday, 19 August 2011

Charting progress.....

I've had a bit of blog inspiration failure recently....I guess I don't want to keep banging the same drum over and over but that's just kinda how it is really !
There are days when the weight of what the children and I went through, and the weight of what I feel I carry for my children day-in, day-out, threatens to totally engulf me....I end up just feeling emotionally knackered !'s not totally mind consuming all the time, of course, but it's always there pressing on you, ready to overwhelm at a moment's notice.
It's pretty rubbish really !!
I never really understood the incessant nature of all of this when I started on this part of the journey in February last year. I (foolishly probably) assumed that you grieve intensely and then gradually get hasn't really been like that....throughout last year I felt like I got more and more drained as months went on.
Many times I've thought about trying to graph the journey in terms of emotional I've tried it below!! It's not too scientific (and let's not worry too much about the measurement units!), but is a measure of how the last 18 months+ or so has been for me !
I'm such an engineer sometimes !
Ironically, trying to graph the journey would have made Karena really laugh and then relentlessly tease me (she'd probably have called it my "Depression Chart" and then would have laughed her head off!) :-)
The good news is that the graph is now generally up and to the right !!
Ellie, of course, understands the journey, and has been instrumental in helping me deal with the pain, and bringing me out of the dip and upwards....
Anyway - here it is.....

Note 1 : Lows at mine and children's birthdays and wedding anniversary

Note 2 : I had two panic attacks (or anxiety attacks, or something like that!) - one in October last year in the middle of the night, and the other one on Christmas day ! Hadn't blogged on this before probably because I just felt too embarassed to do so !!

Yesterday I read in the bible :-

Proverbs 12:25 "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up"
Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache and joy may end in grief."

Friday, 5 August 2011

Honeymoon #2 (Joy and Pain)

We're just back from 4 days in Venice - it was honeymoon part 2 !!

We had 3 children at Church/Guide camps this week and grandparents/dear friends looked after the remaining 2, so we could get away !

It was very warm and great to be able to 'finish' our honeymoon as we only managed 2 days first time around because we needed to get back for the children/schools!

On both honeymoons(!), we've had great times together but also several times of sadness and tears as we've reflected and talked through our journeys; there's lots of pain for us both not far from the surface....

Yesterday on our final day as we read the bible together, we read this :

Proverbs 4:25

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil"

To allow past (and current) hurt to shape the present and the future without totally overwhelming it, seems to be the we are resolving to (each day) work hard at fixing our gaze ahead and not continuously staring into the pain that can so often threaten to totally overwhelm one or other (or both) of us. Today is the anniversary of Ellie and Ben's wedding....