Feb 10th and 12th...

February 10th and 12th come around with unceasing regularity (once a year, oddly enough!)....we've had a few tears this week.  It's now 6 years for me and 16 years for Ellie since our "Great Sadness".

I have recently read a really good book about a man who's mum, wife and young daughter all died in a car crash back in the early 90s called "A Grace Disguised".  His insights into the grief journey are incredible as one who has been there and done it (doing it)....it is a bit of a heart rending read at points but really helps as you realise that the emotional trauma you've experienced  - and continue to experience - even after years - is actually really very normal ! 
The book captured me in the opening page with the statement :-

"This book is not intended to help anyone get over or even through the experience of catastrophic loss, for I believe that "recovery" from such loss is an unrealistic and even harmful expectation, if by recovery we mean resuming the way we lived and felt prior to the loss...."

So I feel quite relieved that I have permission to not be 'normal' ever again and it's ok! 

As to news...I lost my job at the end of November and am still out of work.  Ellie and I have had a lot of quality time together since then just doing simple things like walking the dogs, sharing the housework, and most importantly, just having time to stop and think and review and pray (and drink coffee!).  Ellie has recently done a few days of supply teaching - which she really didn't enjoy at all, to be honest.  I now have two options in terms of work - which we are thinking and praying about - hopefully we will have a final plan of action in the next week.

That's it for now....

A tribute (part 2)

It's been a long time since I have blogged...I don't really know why.  I have been meaning to write some summer memoirs but haven't quite got around to it.....anyway, I felt this one was particularly important.  (For Part 1, see blog posting from January 2014)
Here is my eulogy to my father-in-law that I spoke at his funeral on Thursday.

*************

My first real memory of Norman was when I asked him for the hand of his beloved daughter, Karena, in marriage – I managed to get him alone in the front room of their house in Badger Drive in December 1992 while Karena “apprehended” her mother in the kitchen.  Karena and I had only been dating for about 3 months so it was all a bit fast….Norman’s response to my question was ‘unusual’…..he looked me in the eyes, looked blank, said nothing, then got up and walked out of the room… ….I nervously followed….he went to the kitchen and told his wife, Grace, what I had asked.  They quizzed us a bit (it was a bit fast!!!), and then they opened up some champagne !

Before the wedding day actually came, I got a brief talking-to/warning from Norman – he took me quietly to one side one day and basically said to me, “You’d better not mess this up, Sunshine!”  Norman was fiercely protective of his family – his daughters and his grandchildren in particular, and also his wider family.  For his daughters, he had always delighted in them both and would do literally anything within his power that he could do for them, he would give them anything he had that they needed, and Grace had to reign him in a bit with his extravagance sometimes – he loved them so very much and showed it in many different ways.

I can honestly say that from the moment that I asked him to marry his daughter, that Norman welcomed me into his family as a son….and in his thinking I became part of the family and was under his ‘care’ in the same way as his daughters were.   Whilst I never called him “Dad” to his face, that is what he became to me….somebody who I could always go to, somebody who I knew would watch my back, someone who I knew cared for me and for my family, and somebody who would literally give away anything and everything in order to help me or my children out if I really needed him to.   He consistently supported us as a family and I know that he prayed for us all daily. 

When my beautiful wife Karena died in 2010, Norman’s heart, like mine, was utterly crushed.  He was never really the same again….but in spite of the very real pain that he experienced then and with the passing of his own beloved wife last year, Norman, whilst quiet and broken-hearted,  remained strong in faith, and through tears I know he was confident  in the gospel of Jesus - that one day he would see his wife and daughter again.

On Sept 30th Ellie and I visited Norman in hospital after his fall.  Initially, whilst clearly unwell from his fall, he was able to speak and before leaving his bedside, I asked if he would like me to pray for him – his reply was, “Yes please”.  They were his last words. 

I prayed for him that the “peace of God which surpasses all understanding would guard his heart and his mind in Christ”, I prayed for God’s presence to be very real for him there in the hospital bed, I prayed that he would have confidence that God was with him.  

I didn’t actually leave the hospital…from that moment on, medically Norman’s condition deteriorated, and within a couple of hours he had died and been welcomed into his eternal home – into the place of great reunions, into the presence of God, into the presence of Christ, and he had been reunited with his wife and with his daughter – into the place where there is no sadness and no tears.  This is our confidence as a family.

2 Tim 4:8  “Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award me on that day – and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing”

So whilst today I have a heavy heart for the loss of somebody so dearly loved, I also have joy and confidence and hope too, because Norman was a believer in Christ, and he is now in his eternal home, and for those of us who are in Christ, we too will see him again one day.

Norman – Dad – we will miss you.

Easter memories

There have been many memories from the Easter season....two of my children got baptised....it was a fabulous day.  In their words...

My name’s Lucy, I’m 16 years old and I’ve been in Reading Family Church for nearly 4 years now. I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember so I can’t give a specific time and date for that first moment of understanding-it happened slowly over many years. Both my parents were Christians, in fact around the time I was born my Dad started training to become a vicar however he died suddenly when I was still very young.  While he met Jesus face to face, my Mum brought up me and my brother. We lived in New Malden mostly, and as a child I first discovered Christianity though bible stories I heard through Mum and at church. I started at secondary school there, which I hated, and moved to Reading in 2011 which was also difficult but through these things I came to know and rely on Jesus more personally.  I also gained a stepdad, Craig, 3 more siblings, Esther, Ben and Olivia and moved to a new school which I enjoy much more. My Christian life also grew.  I joined Reading Family Church, where I’ve had a great time helping with the 3-to- 5 year olds in “Stars”, attending the youth group and meeting and learning about God at the Christian Youth camp, Newday, in 2012 and 2014.  So, I’ve decided to get baptised today because I believe that Jesus died and rose again and through this washed away my sins. In the Bible it commands Christians to be baptised.  I want to be obedient to this and follow God’s will in my life rather than my own.

 

Hello, I’m Ben.  I grew up in a Christian family and I have been going along to church for as long as I can remember.  I am so grateful to my parents for introducing me to Christ early and now I have great Christian friends and role models in my life.  I would say I became a Christian when I was around 6 years old despite having very limited knowledge about who Jesus was and what he has done for me. Since then I have grown in my relationship with God but for me being a Christian hasn’t meant an easy life.  In 2008 when I was 10 years old, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. At the end of a horrible journey together, I remember sitting down in the Duchess of Kent House Hospice with mum, dad Sean and Liz and was told my mum was going to die. On the 12^th of February 2010 she died but my faith in Jesus Christ makes me confident I will see her again when Jesus calls me home. My dad’s continuous trust in God’s plan for our lives rubbed off on me and my faith didn’t waver despite the incredibly hard journey I had to walk.  Looking back now I can see how right he was. Dad met Ellie and now I have a great step-mum along with another brother and sister bringing our family to a grand total of 7 people. So today I’m getting baptized because I believe I’m forgiven and as an act of obedience as I choose to pursue Jesus for the rest of my life.

 

Trying to cater for 50 people after the baptism with no kitchen and no cooker was a challenge....yes, the building work still keeps going on...but is now nearing completion (at last).  There has been a skip on our driveway since last July....we are looking forward to seeing the back of it in the next few weeks!  Recently I overheard Ellie reply to one of the children that the herbs were "in the kitchen behind the scaffolding poles".....the saga continues... 

Other worlds to sing in...

February...our least favourite month of the year....we are in the lead-up to our sad anniversaries and, as is normally the case, the time leading up to the anniversary, is normally worse than the anniversary day itself.  We've both been a bit "on the edge" this week....

On 10th February, it will be 15 years since Ben died
On 12th February, it will be 5 years since Karena died.

Neither of us can believe the amount of time that has passed - it seems like yesterday, and yet at the same time, it seems like a lifetime away since those horrors.
So many memories.

I'm reading a book by Rob Parsons at the moment called "The Wisdom House" and it's just brilliant....chapters are short and very easy to read with great nuggets of wisdom within the pages.  I read a chapter this week called "Other worlds to sing in" which made me cry (I just read it to Ellie and it made her cry too!)  Here's a quote from it about the calendar of our life :-

"The one I use is made up of boxes, and each has a date written above it.  Every day I am pulled from one box into another...at one second past midnight, I am pulled through a door into the next box - and for the next 24 hours my life will be played out within its walls.  If I am foolish, or simply too preoccupied to reflect, I can believe that there is an endless supply of boxes waiting for me.  But there is not. And for that reason I must try to live my life in the present box, grasping the preciousness of this moment.  And this is vital, for although we may find it hard to grasp our own mortality...there is a last box. And this one has no doors that can lead me into the next day.  The biggest question in the universe is this : does that last box have no doors because it is just a coffin and death is the end ?  Or does it have no doors because death is a beginning and that particular box, unlike all the others....has no walls ?"

CS Lewis says it like this :-
"But for them it was only the beginning of the real story.  All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and title page:now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read : which goes on forever : in which every chapter is better than the one before" (The Last Battle)

I remember reading this to my daughter just after her mum died.  Great stuff in the midst of the pain of the journey!

Here's a photo of the house extension....things are progressing well but slowly !

Santa Christmas Carols...

Yesterday was a fun day....I had applied to do the inaugural Reading Santa Run a few months ago, primarily because it was a fund raiser for Duchess of Kent House (where Karena died) and also for the Alexander Devine Children's Hospice - both charities feel close to my heart.
Having got out of bed rather reluctantly in order to get there in time to register, I decided to run it full-pelt (is there any other way?) with the more serious Santas - there were 1000 of us in total.  I don't know my overall race position (top 30 or so I think) but I came across the line in a good time.
Even the real Father Christmas turned up which was nice - you can see him if you look really carefully in the photo.

Then in the afternoon, Ellie and I along with 2 of our daughters were singing in the choir at the annual Reading Family Church carol service at the Town Hall. It felt like a great privilege, was really enjoyable, and the wonderful truth of Christmas was declared in a mixture of traditional and contemporary styles, with Jesus birth, death and resurrection right at the centre of it all.

The Santa Run was brilliant fun, but singing "Fall on your knees" from the carol "O Holy Night" in a 3 part harmony made my legs buckle with emotion.

Merry Christmas !

A great day....

My daughter got baptised on Sunday....this is what she said before she got dunked.....

"Hello, my name is Olivia and I am 14 years old. 

Throughout my life I have been brought up in a Christian family and have been in this church since it started in 2001. From an early age I was taught about Jesus and the significance of him dying on the cross for everyone who believed in him. When I was 5 years old I made a first time commitment to God in my bedroom. From then on, my faith and understanding of who God was grew, through being around other Christians, going to kid’s church on a Sunday and quizzing my Dad from the age of seven about some of the questions I had around Christianity.

Nothing really unexpected had happened in my life when I was younger, until one evening in 2008.  It was then that I found out that my mum had been diagnosed with cancer and was to go through a course of chemotherapy to make her better. From then on, I became used to mum feeling unwell and going in and out of the hospital every few weeks for chemotherapy.  

A year later, mum was moved to Duchess of Kent house hospice as her condition didn’t improve and it was there, a few weeks later, that my brother, sister and I were told that in a week or so mum would meet Jesus face to face.  In the dark days that followed I became more increasingly aware of God’s love for my family and I, and that when mum took her final breath, she would be with Jesus Christ in heaven.  

At 8 o’ clock on 12^th February 2010, mum went through the gates of glory where she is now partying in heaven.

In the years that followed there was lots of crying and pain but I also had a great sense of peace over me as I knew where mum was.  I also have great confidence that one day I will meet mum again and like the 'picture' that God gave me a few months after her death, one day, I will run into heaven where she will be waiting for me, and I will pick her up and spin her around laughing.

Later that year Dad met the amazing Ellie at a bereavement conference where God showed us that he had more plans for our family.  A year later they got married and I also gained another brother and sister!  

In the years that followed up until now I have learnt more and more of Gods’ great love for me through events like Carroty Wood and Newday and despite the death of my grandma earlier this year, I have learnt and realise that God really does work for the best of those who love him.

I am getting baptised today as a declaration of my faith in Jesus, to be obedient to God’s word and the plans that he has for me in the future."

I am so proud of her!

Mud mud glorious mud...

It's been quite a while since my last blog...I haven't felt like it much to be honest.

So here's an update on life in general...
We had a great family holiday cycling in Holland....we did a circuit around the country covering about 250km in a week.....the children really enjoyed it even though some got a little saddle sore at times.  A great memory!

We made up a song on the final day's longest tour stage(!) - you can sing along, to the tune of "On Top of Old Smokey"

My buttocks are aching,
My muscles are sore,
But still we keep cycling,
Can't take any more!

The wind it is blowing...
Right into my face,
But still Ben and Barn'by
Won't slow up the pace

Oh Dad he keeps stressing
And shouting for speed
But we go in circles
When he takes the lead.

And so we keep going,
Tho' our bottoms are red...
We can't wait to get there
And flop into bed!

Our beautiful daughter Esther started at University in September - she seems to be thriving despite a tearful start (until we left the car park I think!)....we are so proud of her, she seems to have settled in really well, has been making new friends, exploring churches, and has joined the horse riding club.

Our two boys both did really well in their GCSEs and are now working (hard?) on their AS levels.

Our building work got hugely delayed, causing no small amount of frustration...long story short...it was due to start at the end of July and after many unfulfilled promises and false starts, it eventually started about 3 weeks ago!  All looked fairly good until they found the drain problem....I have to say that when I was thinking about an extension, I wasn't really expecting this (photo taken this morning!).  It's been a long, stressful, sleepless and expensive couple of weeks trying to sort it all out!  I have to say (much to my surprise), Thames Water were brilliant with quickly approving the revised revised updated modified plans revision 6 (!) 
The builders have totally trashed the garden tho!  Hey-ho, at least I hadn't just turfed it :-)

We found the stress of it all quite hard to deal with, it's caused sleepless nights for Craig and migraines for Ellie.  We read this morning about simple trust (Psalm 131).  Nicky Gumbel writes,

"How does this total trust happen?  First, resign as general manager of the universe.  Stop trying to control everyone and everything.  Second, put your trust in God in the same way that a baby has total trust in a parent."

So, onwards and upwards...and looking forward as best as we can (over the mound of earth !!) 

Making sense of it all...

Time marches on.  Amazingly, we’ve now been in our house for 6 months and it does definitely feel like home.  We feel very grateful !

We have our ground floor extension planning permission through, and have appointed a builder to do the extension work…. starting late in July.  It’s a long story, but the evidence of God going before us in this process is very clear to us, and as we have 3 children sitting major exams right now (1 doing A levels, 2 doing GCSEs), the timing makes a lot of sense, despite all my hopes and plans to start earlier!

Here’s a few before-and-after photos of the garden – it’s a work in progress but is getting there slowly but surely.  Most notably, digging up ~8 tonnes of concrete path, lots of heavy digging/clearing and laying 90m² of turf…this has made a big difference to the overall appearance.  I am currently building a garden patio/seating area in my usual slightly obsessional way! 

Horace the nutter puppy has settled in well….aside from his irritating desire to dig up our newly laid turf, that is !  Grrrrrr!

The fallout of Ellie and my grief journeys continues….it’s difficult to explain but I know that I am so very different now to how I used to be….most notable is my emotional capacity which is close to “running on fumes” most of the time.   This rears its ugly head in a variety of ways, but particularly in things like conflict avoidance, lack of ability to handle stress of any magnitude, and little energy for conversation.  Most of the time I try not to think too hard about the past but the impact on my children’s lives is one which frankly rips my heart to shreds….which is something I can’t really avoid thinking about despite how much I try to look forward.

What does amaze me is how well the children seem to be doing.  To the outside world we are a “normal” (and large!) family…and I guess we are just that!  I know that I feel very blessed by all that I’ve been given with my beautiful bride and quiver-full of children!

Before...

...After

Before...

...After

I think the only way to make sense of it all is to keep looking up….God knows the pain, He knows the angst, He knows the past and He knows the future too….one day it will all make sense I think but I guess that won’t be until we meet up!  In the meantime we will get on with the garden...

PPI...

In the media, this little abbreviation generally means " Payment Protection Insurance" but not for me….

Until just a few months ago, it meant, "Porridge Performance Index" as I kept a log along with a friend at work of the condition of the breakfast porridge served up in the canteen each day based on our assessment factors of Temperature, Consistency and Taste.  The algorythms used to finalise the days overall porridge quality score became quite complex, but the result was a daily assessment which bizzarly seemed to track the world stock markets quite closely. I had graphs automatically updated each day and even considered publishing the data online but noticed that the stock market falls seemed to be predicted by our PPI sooner than they happened, so in order not to panic the markets, I decided I should not publish the data :-)

There was much amusement to be had when on days of disagreement over scoring, we had to consult the international porridge standards agency, "Offpot".... and further amusement at the thought of Scottish independence which would obviously require the generation of a new porridge standards agency for Scotland, "Scoffpot".   Anyway, enough of my silliness….PPI doesn't really mean that !

Now for the serious stuff….

For Ellie and I, PPI is a term we have coined between us to express our emotional state. 

It stands for "Precipice Proximity Index" and is essentially an assessment of how "close to the edge" of the emotional cliff we are.

The scale we use is 1-20, and the levels work something like this :-

1-2  Emotionally stable.  Wellbeing good.  Living well.  Enjoying life.  Looking forward to the future.

3-4  Emotionally stable.  Wellbeing generally good.  Coping.  Living in light of past pain but not letting it dominate the present.  Looking forward generally.

5-6  Slightly on-edge emotionally but coping.  Feeling fairly low.  Thoughts of the past sporadically overwhelm but generally able to purposefully think about something else.

7-8  Feeling emotionally tired from the grief journey.  Drained.  Physically tired.  Lacking conversational energy etc, looking back too much.

9-10  Feeling emotionally exhausted from the grief journey.  On the edge of tears and likely to start crying at a moment's notice.  Living the children's pain.  Staring backwards into the abyss of grief

11-12  Exhausted, highly emotional ; very tearful; lots of flashbacks; want to curl up into a ball and climb into bed.  Teetering off the cliff edge emotionally.

13-14 Overwhelmed, irrational.  Plummeting off the cliff edge of pain.

15-20+  Highly emotional.  Totally irrational.  Completely overwhelmed.  Suicidal.  Lying in a jibbering heap at the foot of the cliff edge emotionally.

Most of the time both Ellie and I have a PPI of between 5 and 8, and once in a while will drop to a PPI of 3-4 but rarely any lower.  We also rarely venture much above 12 but it does happen to one or other of us sometimes (thankfully not normally both of us at the same time).

It's not meant to be a very scientific scale and is based simply on our experience rather than any any kind of factual research but it does help us to express to each other the reality of the journey's highs and lows more adequately than anything else we've come across.

The trick for me to lower my PPI is burying myself into something which prevents me thinking too hard about the journey…hence I am still pursuing my triathlon training which continues to be my most effective mind-numbing experience to date.  (And I'm very pleased with my recent Reading Half Marathon PB of 1:32:24 !!)

No idea if that makes any sense or not....

A tribute...

My mother-in-law, Grace, died on 27th January, suddenly and unexpectedly.  She had been married for over 60 years.
This week was her funeral...the crematorium was the same place that her beloved daughter, Karena, went to just 4 years ago, and the church service that followed was in the same place where we got married back in 1993.

It is no understatement to say, that Grace always treated me like a son. She was a dedicated mother, and an outstanding grandmother to my children, whom she loved with all of her heart.

She was devoted to her family and friends, and was lots of fun to be around (even though she didn't always understand the joke !).  She did probably spend too much time in her beloved Marks and Spencers though!

I never knew her when she looked as young as she does in the photo here....but now she is in her permanent home with Jesus, I guess she will be more youthful.....certainly she has been reunited with her daughter in the place of great reunions.  We do have that confidence, and hope for the future too.

I had the privilege to read out these words at her funeral :-

May the God of hope fill us with all joy and peace as we trust in him, so that we may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom 15:13)

We keep trusting Jesus in amongst all the heartache.

We will miss Grace very much, but she's in the best place now.

New beginnings...

Back in December 1992 I became a Christian…it was a day that I remember very fondly as it changed everything….nothing would ever be the same.  At the time I was 24 years old.  I had been friends with the lovely Karena for some time through work; we got on like a house on fire - she was so full of life, was fun to be around, made me laugh and she was a Christian.  Over many months as our friendship developed she shared her faith with me….and challenged me to look into the evidence for Jesus' life, who he was and evidence for the resurrection.  Over time, I came to understand not only the historical evidence for Jesus' life, but also who he was and why he came…and it culminated with me praying a prayer to ask Jesus into my life whilst sitting alone in my car at 11pm one winter evening.  It was a complete new beginning and I have lived in the wonder of the gospel message ever since. 

Not only did Jesus turn my life upside down -  but 6 months later I married the lovely Karena to share my life with….she really was a gift to me from our Father in heaven.  It was another new beginning.

 

On 31st Dec 2008, Karena was diagnosed with cancer - that's 5 years ago now.  A lot of time has passed since then.  A lot of change has come.  My wife died and my three children lost their mother. I am now re-married to the lovely Ellie and I have inherited (a good word to describe it!) two more beautiful children.  We are a 'blended' family but much of the time for Ellie and I, everything can feel somewhat tainted by our combined history. 

 

Next month it will be 4 years since my Karena died and 14 years since Ellie's Ben died.

 

God promises us in the bible that he will never leave us nor forsake us.  It's an ABSOLUTELY HUGE promise.   Both Ellie and I bear witness to the truth of this through what has felt to us like the most bitter of circumstances.  Every day still we are confident of God's presence and of his favour, and every day in a myriad of ways the good news of Jesus breathes life afresh into our hearts, and gives us confidence and hope for the future. 

Every day with Jesus represents a new beginning to us.

 

Nothing can ever come remotely close to replacing those that Ellie and I have loved and lost of course.  Our lives, our hearts & our emotional capacity are forever changed, and every day presents emotional challenges as a result  (which reminds me, I must blog on our "Precipice Proximity Index" aka "PPI" sometime soon!)

We are very glad for all that we have been given though….we treasure one another and we have five teenage children who delight and exhaust us in fairly equal measure.  It still feels like new beginnings for us as a combined family and we are looking to the future, and trying not to look back too hard most of the time….yet we are acutely aware that the pain of the past invades each and every new day.

 

So here's one more new beginning to make you smile….

A long time ago Ben promised Ellie that he would buy her a puppy when their 2 children were a little older and when they'd settled down out of bible college.  Last weekend, we 'fulfilled' this promise as Ellie and I left the house at 5.15am along with our dog, Sam, for a 200+ mile journey to west Wales….our mission was to collect a 9 week old rescue puppy called Horace.  We reserved him before Christmas and told the children about him on Christmas day….and as expected, they are all utterly besotted with him ! 

I know he's 'just a dog' but for us he is also a part of our new family identity and our new beginnings together….and he is also very cute and cuddly (even though he yelps at bedtime and leaves unwelcome little packages around the place !!)

Christmas in pictures....

Stockings in bed !

 

From a friend : "I bought it because it had 7 flowers on it - reminded me of you all"

A favourite Christmas present - Guess who ?!

Craig and Ellie in their new Onesies (I always wanted one!) :-)

Last year's present from me to Ellie was a house sign - a promise of something yet to come....installed on our new house 1 year later to the day - promise fulfilled !!

Feasting !!!

 Merry Christmas from us all !!

Christmas is coming...

Long time no blog.....

The last few weeks seem to have flown by...here's a few highlights ....

• Ripping the 18" thick ivy off the house (what a job that was!)
• Finishing painting all the internal replacement doors and stairway banisters
• A day out at a local Spa a week ago after crazy amounts of DIY
• Putting up our Christmas tree in our new house (a potted living one)
• Taking down our Christmas tree due to excessive shedding :-(
• Putting up fake Christmas tree (no shedding issues!)
• Putting up outside Christmas lights !
• Installing new Log burner in front room, which gets its inaugural lighting tonight !
• Meeting all the neighbours - who are lovely !
• Bible discussions around the dinner table all around the advent story
• Decorating our outside cabin to look like Santa's Grotto
• Crazy amounts of Christmas shopping for family and extended family.
• Completing drawings for our downstairs extension - will be submitted for planning this week
• Ordering a huge turkey :-)

Roll on Chrimbo !

What a crazy week....

Ahhhh, what a crazy week it's been....

 

In pictures :- 

Flowers given to us from the Estate Agent when we picked up the house keys....we had some of these at our wedding....it reminded us that this is a new day for our family....

Even the cat got packed...

First meal on lounge carpet surrounded by absolutely nothing...

 

An insane amount of painting and DIY (with a lot of help, we painted the entire house white in 7 days!)....

Ripping out dodgy electrics....

...and some of the more unusual features....

 

Yesterday removals men finally emptied our old house....interesting sculptures appeared around the old rented place from the dust and dog hair left behind :-)

 

A slightly odd area in the loft above our bedroom which we are using to keep our 'danger boxes' :-

 

 

The removals men finished yesterday - we now have boxes coming out of our arm pits !

 

Today we have the  carpenter coming to do some jobs, we have the plumber coming to finish the new bathroom (the one and only Ben Patterson - a top man doing a fabulous job !!), we have to clean the rented house, we have the architect coming to measure up for an extension, and I have a physio (or is it psycho?!) appointment....so a fairly quiet day all in all ! :-)

 

Stuff we are so very grateful for :-

 

• Our home...we've at last spent our first night in our new home !
• Our friends and family who have cooked us loads of meals and helped with decorating and DIY (we couldn't have got this far without you all !)
• Enough energy to keep going (we have been waking up very early with activity lists in our heads !)
• Time off from working. 
• People who have been praying for us
• A warm house....

 

 

The rear-view mirror

House completion date - 18th October - is slowing approaching…at least, it seems very slow to me!

I will be finishing my job (by choice) on the same day….Whilst we clearly won't be able to manage financially forever without me working…for this next phase, having a month or two (hopefully) out of work in order to settle the children and ourselves into our new home feels like the right thing to do.  It's not about money…..fortunately we have enough to tide us over for the time being.

These last few days, I have been pondering something….. The photos shown here are on my desk at work.  I realise that most people probably don't have a photo of two different wives on their desk….but like most other people, the photos on my desk tell a story of people that I love and treasure.  In the collage-type frame above, the top strip are consecutive yearly photos of me and my 3 biological children taken in December each year from 2003 onwards with us all crammed into a passport photo booth once a year; the last one was taken with us all smiling in Dec 2009; at the time Karena was in the hospice but I wanted her to have an up-to-date photo of us all by her side for the hours when we weren't there; she had it by her bedside (such a hard memory!).  The other photos also tell a story - the big one in the middle was taken on our last proper family holiday together in Ireland in 2008 a few months before Karena was diagnosed.  In addition to that I have photos of Ellie and I and our 5 children on our wedding day also on my desk.  

These photos all stare out at me as I work at my desk….and each time I glance at them I react - sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a wince, sometimes with a feeling of deepest anguish, sometimes with a feeling of deepest appreciation. 

The photos tell my story, my pain and my joy. 

Fairly often, people ask me about my family as I clearly have a lot of children!  Sometimes I tell edited highlights of our story, sometimes I just can't be bothered if I'm honest….reactions to the more detailed story are quite varied - apologetic, uncomfortable, sympathetic, sometimes quickly changing the subject etc etc.  I don't mind really but in truth I don't really have the energy to keep sharing the story time and time again anyway, but at the same time, I don't want to deny it either, as it's all been so life-changing.

Of course, it's not just at my desk that these mixed up feelings jump out at me…it's just about everywhere else too….which anybody who has experienced this particular journey, would also relate to, no doubt.

What I've been pondering is what to do with the photos on my desk - do I just have photos of the "current life" or do I keep the photos of the "previous life"…those photos which so often make me sad and remind me of painful things that I would really rather forget.  Tricky.  I want to honour and be true to the past, and to love lost.  I also must live in the present and must continue to move into the future. 

Recently we've been trying to pack up some bits and pieces at home ready for the move again…we have a lot of photos and sad 'memorabilia' (for want of a better word) in various places, many of which are wrought with pain and anguish…some of our things need to be packed up into a strongbox with a lock and key, and posted with a health warning - 

"Beware, Memories may seriously damage your sanity."  

For example, we were packing some things up in the attic a few days ago, and, amongst other things, we came across first-time-around wedding photos and a memorial order of service…..  Anyway, we both ended up fairly quickly putting everything down again not really knowing what to do with it all, and then decided the best thing was to go and do something else completely different…  so it's all still waiting to be packed.

But pack we must, because we are moving forward.  Recently I read a something  which I found quite provocative : "Live with only the odd glance in your rear-view mirror (Phil 3:13-14)"

So I guess we'll keep working at it, then perhaps we will crash less often ! 

Exchanged !

This is our new house !  <>

Late on Friday we exchanged contracts at last !

We are very pleased and quite relieved that we have found a more permanent home after about two years of trying!
Completion isn't until 18th October which seems like a long way off at the moment....but it leaves us time to do some organising and to get prepared.

Ellie and I have been talking about what we've been learning through this process of being disappointed so many times on houses we'd hoped to buy...it's a fairly long list but here's some highlights :-

• God's plans are not our plans, nor are His ways our ways (Isa 55:8)
• God's timing is not our timing (we planned to rent for a maximum of 6 months...15 months later!)
• Sometimes we don't see the path ahead very clearly but in faith we keep moving forward
• There's not necessarily one 'right' way to go; God is much bigger than that.
• In all things, seek peace and pursue it (Ps 34:14)...which is Ellie's family motto !
• Money is simply a tool (Rental costs have been huge!); we need to thank God for this provision that had enabled us to rent a house rather than worrying about the future (Matt 6:27).

Time to go and do some packing !

A bit of this and a bit of that...

Photo is of Ellie and the children at Center Parcs for a very long and very enjoyable time last weekend !

Yesterday I read a very good article on grief...possibly the most helpful thing I've read since 'it all happened'….

My paraphrase :-

- Grief is normal, necessary, unavoidable…

- Grief is hard work – it ‘flattens you’, affects your thinking, your concentration  and emotional wellbeing. It makes you feel like you’re going crazy…. you can’t just “get on with your life”

- There’s no closure - Grief is never short - it’s always there – lifelong, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes very raw ("Closure is relevant to business deals but not to the human heart")

- It's good to stay ‘connected’ to the person who has died...eg talking, photos etc (“their physical presence may be gone but…you remain in relationship in a new way beyond form…”)

- Grief changes you irrevocably and gives you a whole new perspective. “It teaches about living and dying, about pain and love and about impermanence. While some people are changed by grief in a way that makes them bitter and shut down, it is also possible to use grief as a springboard for compassion, wisdom, and open-heartedness"

As Ellie and I read it, lights seemed to be going on all around - it all sounded so very very familiar !

For the full article – click here – it’s really a very good read.

-     

As for the house situation – it still seems to be progressing but is slow…contract documents and searches/surveys are all complete and no outstanding issues.  Today’s news is that the current owners have finally advised that they are now willing to exchange contracts before the end of August….with completion to be agreed but likely to be mid-end October.  So...we're still waiting!!

A wedding gift....

What a week....the children have all been away from home for the whole week at Bible camp/Granny's so it's been very quiet at home - just the two of us - it's felt quite odd to be honest, but we've enjoyed the peace and quiet!

On Tuesday it looked like the house was falling through following a phone call from the Estate Agent....
On Wednesday it was all back on again... (keep praying !!!!)

When we got married two years ago, some lovely friends gave us some money to "do something special - tea at the Ritz or something like that for just the two of you"....

With all the madness of the last couple of years we've never managed to use the generous gift....until today !

We took the car (and bikes) to the Isle of Wight for the day - up at 5.45 in order to catch the ferry crossing from Southampton at 8am.  Then we toured the island in the beautiful sunshine, cycled, and watched the boats (we didn't realise that it's Cowes week too), we laughed, and just enjoyed being together.  At the end of the day we had a beautiful meal at "The Jolly Sailor" in Bursledon, better known as the pub they used to film "Howard's Way" in - it was absolutely fabulous!  What a great wedding present !!!

Some photos from the day....

Plan G

You're not gonna believe this.....

....we've (nearly) bought a house (we think!)

We calculated that this one is in fact the 7th house that we've wanted/offered on....the previous 6 all fell apart for different reasons.


So since last Saturday this is what's happened :-

• Saw house for first time
• Offered (a bit low)
• Offer rejected
• Offered again (a bit higher)
• Offer accepted !
• Saw house for second time with children and 2 trusted friends
• Conveyancer appointed
• Searches done (all OK)
• Survey done (no show-stoppers).
• Draft of extension plan prepared (by me!)
• Architect quotes in.

Not bad for 6 days eh ?!

We're trying not to count our chickens tho....this is plan G after all !
It has 5 bedrooms and a downstairs study (ie bedroom 6), which is one of our main criteria so that our delightful teenagers will all have a bedroom.  We plan to extend the downstairs (kitchen is quite small) to give us a bit more living area, and we also think we could extend into the garage in the future for an annexe for the bereavement respite work.  It's in a really good location for us too which is a huge bonus and will make the school run fairly straightforward. And finally, we can afford it ! Hooray!!
The people who own it are happy to sell with no chain....but we will have quite a bit of work to do (it's all a bit 'tired'! - rather like us !!)

So whilst we're not counting the old chickens just yet, it is looking very positive, and we will be very pleased if it does all go through !
If you're a pray-er, please do pray that we will exchange contracts quickly...in our ideal scenario, we'd be able to move in before the children go back to school....and if we don't get Plan G then I guess we'll move on and look for Plan H....