I know you can't hear me but as I keep thinking about what I'd say to you, I thought I'd put some of it down in writing…
We all really miss you and on the build up to days like your birthday, it can just be so overwhelming….I was really on the edge of the precipice some of the time for many of the days before to be honest. Sometimes I really want to curl up in a ball and hope the aching pain will all go away but of course that would really make no difference….so I just try to occupy my mind with something else…..
Anyway, I know that you are having a blast and probably laughing all the time and drinking cappuccino after cappuccino (is there coffee there ??!!)
I'd love to know what it's like to be able to actually look into the faces of Jesus and the Father….it must be incredible ! I guess my time will come soon enough and I'll find out for myself but it's a little mind-blowing! I'm so glad about the confidence that we have ….where the bible says that "we don't grieve as those who have no hope"…it's very reassuring for us when we are hanging off the precipice !! I talked to our daughter about that yesterday as she was having a bit of a sad moment.
Our children are doing really well….I'm a bit confused to be honest about what you actually know when you're in heaven - people who don't study the bible often talk about loved ones "looking down on us" but I can't find much biblical basis for that and I'm not convinced that it's all that helpful…..anyway, I've got 2 more children now…their Dad, Ben, died over 12 years ago and they don't really remember him - so now I'm being Dad to five children and my beautiful wife Ellie is being mum to five too….it's very busy and very noisy. You'd really like Ellie…she's a delightful Christian woman, she's the treasure of my heart, my very best friend, a top-class mum, and she understands the weirdness and pain of this journey (what more could I ask for?!).
It's funny but I have been thinking recently about what you must have prayed for when you were in your last days here and I'm quite sure that on top of your list would have been a fabulous Christian step-mum and wife.…thank you for those prayers my Love, because our Father has answered them in a way that is more than I could possibly have expected or imagined.
Ellie and I both delight in our five children but the journey has been so tough for us both and is still fraught with pain which can so often jump out without warning…. it must be so fab to be in a place where there is absolutely no pain, no fear, no tears, and no sadness!
I guess you've met Ellie's Ben by now - you can tell him that I'm doing the very best that I can for his children and I'm really looking forward to meeting him one day quite soon.
I used to describe you as being "the wind in my sails" - you still are but now it's in memory only….and Ellie of course has become the wind in my sails in the 'here and now' sense …. I still love you of course but I also love her too….if that makes any sense whatsoever ?!
A couple of weeks ago I was out cycling with guys from my club and we went past the place in Windsor Great Park where we scattered your ashes…it's on the downhill slope going into Windsor and as we approached that place I hammered it full pelt…I hit 65kph according to my bike computer….it was exhilerating for a few minutes and perhaps relieved a little of the angst that I felt in my heart approaching that place once again. I think the guys in the club thought I'd gone barmy but I waited for them a bit further up the road !
Anyway my love…..I'm glad you're home safe and sound and I'll see you there soon.
All my love, as always.