Dear Brian....

Brian is the person who lives in my head...(a very cunning anagram I don't think!!?!)
For some time now I have been wanting to write to him....so here goes...


Dear Brian,

I know that you're an essential part of who I am....inseparable in fact...but I have some major concerns that I really need your help with for the future. Please review the following and action where/as appropriate :-


Firstly, I would really appreciate you NOT continuously bringing to my mind the images that you send round and round in my head of my children watching their mum die....you do it so often, it's so utterly draining to me and it appears that you have no control over how often, when and where you will torment me with the extremes of emotion that go with it. It makes me want to curl up into a ball. I know I don't cry as much as I used to but I can really do without thinking through those days over and over and over again. If you can delete those images from memory, please do so without delay, but I think they're embedded too deep and aren't able to be deleted - so please endevour to access them much less frequently.

Secondly, please try to work on your memory - you used to have good recall of all sorts of things but nowadays you can hardly remember what you have said or done just five minutes ago. It's annoying and sometimes embarrassing. Sometimes it feels like I'm going mad. If you can work on the first item above, perhaps it will help with this ?

Thirdly, each time I speak to somebody (even long time friends), please stop me thinking that they have no idea what burdens I am carrying. Of course people don't really understand but so many are sympathetic which is good. Unless they've been in the same place as me, why would they understand the aching pain that lies beneath? So please review your thought patterns on that one.

Fourthly, please just 'switch off' from time to time - it's so much less tiring - you will be aware of the low Brian activity levels that exist when I'm on my bike coming down the long downhill of the A4074 at high speed! Those kind of activity levels more often would be much more relaxing as I can't spend my whole life on my bike!

Finally, please keep remembering The Healer, The Comforter - The Holy Spirit...it's what all those Sermons have always been about - He is here and never leaves us. You really need to talk to Him more often and hand stuff over to Him; only He will be able to take the torment away - and it's a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment thing. You know that's true in theory - so please put it into practice.

Thanks ever so much for your time. I really look forward to working with you on all of this.
Sincerely yours,
Craig

PS: I may write to you again soon....