Well another week has passed....not quite sure what has happened....life seems to be going on around me and passing me by; I feel like I'm looking in sometimes just watching it all....we are still living very much day-to-day at the moment. I am hoping that the emotional exhaustion that I feel is going to start to improve in the nearish future but we will see.... I just feel like I've lost all my fizz.....
My memories of the last year seem to repeat over and over again in my head, reliving conversations I had with Karena throughout her journey, and our hopes, expectations, fears etc. Sometimes I just feel plagued by the memories of it all to be honest - it's all so dreamlike in some ways but when I wake up in the morning the reality dawns afresh every day.
So when people ask me "How are you?" the answer is pretty complex.....and I guess "I dunno really" would be a fairly accurate answer!
The good news is I have sold my VW Sharan on ebay (it was really dull and I hate automatic gearboxes!) and bought a (slightly) newer car - a 10 year old Land Rover Discovery which is really shallow I know but feels like a proper man's car just at the moment! :-)
It sounds like a taxi, drives like a tank, is as aerodynamic as a brick, and as wide as a wide thing in a width contest. At least that's put a smile on my face...taking delivery tomorrow !
On a more important note tho, I keep thinking on Jesus' words from Luke 4 where he says that the scripture from Isaiah 61 is fulfilled in Him....and in there it says that He has come to bind up the broken hearted.....
Am I broken hearted? - Yes, definitely.
Do I know God's presence in it all? - Yes of course, He's not changed.
Do I fear for tomorrow? - No, not really
Do I look forward to tomorrow? - No, not really, it's just another day of struggle
So, how am I? - Errrrr..........dunno really ...
Hey, don't expect too much of yourself. It's not been long since you lost Karena. You're having to be strong not only for yourself, but for those gorgeous children of yours too. It's hard enough living day to day when things are good and normal, but you're juggling so many emotions and memories. I suppose when they say we dream we sort out our subconscious, so maybe your days of feeling out of reality are the Lord's way of gently healing you - releasing you from the reality just for a little while as He charges you up ready to face a new day.
ReplyDeleteAs for the Discovery, I miss ours. They're great fun to drive, but you'll still find racer boys trying to take you at the lights in a 1.1 fiesta! And parking spaces in the supermarket are interesting too!
Love your honesty Craig...and its good to talk...or blog in this case..bottling it all up or pretending you are fine is of no help at all..sometimes just writing down whats going on is a help in itself...
ReplyDeleteand the new ish car sounds like a treat for you....enjoy it ..!! and as Karen says..parking should be interesting....
Hi Craig,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted you to know I'm still keeping my eye on you! To be honest, reading your blog helps me to understand how our neighbour, Colin, is feeling, as his wife was taken from him last year, and whenever we speak to him, you can tell he's putting on a brave face. I think your blog helps more people than you know!
...and well done on getting a proper car - we'll have to take your Disco and our Deferder off green-laning some time!
Love, Carole
Hey Craig,
ReplyDeleteIts me again. Think on what i said to you last time - re Graham etc. I am thinking of you....lol G, will call you soon.
So Craig, How are you feeling!
ReplyDeleteCome and visit again soon.
I'll take you to some good off-road places!
x