10 things....

......that I'm grateful for today -

1. Jesus, the cross, resurrection, forgiveness, hope, confidence, security (that counts as just one cuz it's all linked!!)
2. In the midst of daily sadness, I also have a daily awareness of the presence of God the Holy Spirit - the Comforter, the Helper, the one who is 'just like Jesus'...
3. Tim the Rookester who's personal friendship is second to none....
4. People who sponsored us for our family swim - I handed in the cash to DOKH today - totalling over £475....thanks !!!!!
5. Sam the dog (no, I never really thought I'd say that !!) - he's my only companion sometimes and strangely I'm finding I actually do like him (when he's not being gross, that is!)
6. The school run - walking around the lake, seeing geese, ducks, fish, trees, and a myriad of colours in creation...
7. My rocket-bike who will be put through her paces in my first Triathlon of the season next Monday....am looking to beat last years PB over the distances (430m swim, 20km bike, 5km run) but based on this morning's run, it's pretty unlikely ! ;-(
8. Sunshine
9. My first ever cake baking experience today - Delia Smith, eat your heart out...a birthday cake for No3 - a little belated from January (but I did tell her I'd do it one day!)
10. 'The Beast' aka 'Lindy the Landy'- a simply fabulous piece of engineering....which regularly puts a smile on my face ;-)

Dunno really....

Well another week has passed....not quite sure what has happened....life seems to be going on around me and passing me by; I feel like I'm looking in sometimes just watching it all....we are still living very much day-to-day at the moment. I am hoping that the emotional exhaustion that I feel is going to start to improve in the nearish future but we will see.... I just feel like I've lost all my fizz.....

My memories of the last year seem to repeat over and over again in my head, reliving conversations I had with Karena throughout her journey, and our hopes, expectations, fears etc. Sometimes I just feel plagued by the memories of it all to be honest - it's all so dreamlike in some ways but when I wake up in the morning the reality dawns afresh every day.

So when people ask me "How are you?" the answer is pretty complex.....and I guess "I dunno really" would be a fairly accurate answer!

The good news is I have sold my VW Sharan on ebay (it was really dull and I hate automatic gearboxes!) and bought a (slightly) newer car - a 10 year old Land Rover Discovery which is really shallow I know but feels like a proper man's car just at the moment! :-)
It sounds like a taxi, drives like a tank, is as aerodynamic as a brick, and as wide as a wide thing in a width contest. At least that's put a smile on my face...taking delivery tomorrow !

On a more important note tho, I keep thinking on Jesus' words from Luke 4 where he says that the scripture from Isaiah 61 is fulfilled in Him....and in there it says that He has come to bind up the broken hearted.....
Am I broken hearted? - Yes, definitely.
Do I know God's presence in it all? - Yes of course, He's not changed.
Do I fear for tomorrow? - No, not really
Do I look forward to tomorrow? - No, not really, it's just another day of struggle
So, how am I? - Errrrr..........dunno really ...

A time for healing....

It's dawned on me this week just how deep my emotional hurts are on the inside - that might sound like an obvious statement but I guess it's been a dawning reality for me of late just how painful it has all been emotionally.....
It's a similar journey for the children too, and things aren't likely to change quickly I don't think. There are memories which trigger your emotions everywhere you turn....

In Ex 15:26, part of God's character is described as being the God who heals. This is true even though in His sovereignty He chose not to heal Karena physically in this life....she is of course healed now though....in His presence with no pain, no suffering, no tears etc...she is COMPLETELY healed now !

But for me, I will work hard to stay close to The Healer each day... in my heart, kneeling at the foot of the cross of Christ with tears in my eyes once again, arms raised aloft and I will wait for the only one who can truly heal the emotional hurts....it's going to be a long process I think but I'm in the very best of hands......