There are days when the weight of what the children and I went through, and the weight of what I feel I carry for my children day-in, day-out, threatens to totally engulf me....I end up just feeling emotionally knackered !....it's not totally mind consuming all the time, of course, but it's always there pressing on you, ready to overwhelm at a moment's notice.
It's pretty rubbish really !!
I never really understood the incessant nature of all of this when I started on this part of the journey in February last year. I (foolishly probably) assumed that you grieve intensely and then gradually get better...it hasn't really been like that....throughout last year I felt like I got more and more drained as months went on.
Many times I've thought about trying to graph the journey in terms of emotional well-being......so I've tried it below!! It's not too scientific (and let's not worry too much about the measurement units!), but is a measure of how the last 18 months+ or so has been for me !
I'm such an engineer sometimes !
Ironically, trying to graph the journey would have made Karena really laugh and then relentlessly tease me (she'd probably have called it my "Depression Chart" and then would have laughed her head off!) :-)
The good news is that the graph is now generally up and to the right !!
Ellie, of course, understands the journey, and has been instrumental in helping me deal with the pain, and bringing me out of the dip and upwards....
Anyway - here it is.....
Note 1 : Lows at mine and children's birthdays and wedding anniversary
Note 2 : I had two panic attacks (or anxiety attacks, or something like that!) - one in October last year in the middle of the night, and the other one on Christmas day ! Hadn't blogged on this before probably because I just felt too embarassed to do so !!
Yesterday I read in the bible :-
Proverbs 12:25 "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up"
Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache and joy may end in grief."
I like your graph and your honesty. Been reading your blog since I found it through A Different Journey and it's been helping me on my own. I hope these "kind words" bring you some "cheer"! :-)
ReplyDeleteI didn't get where I am today without knowing a favourable report when I read one.
ReplyDeleteI'm drawn to cliches like a moth to a long lane.
If at first you don't succeed, then the mountain must go to Mohammed.
God uses time, people to heal us. It can be a long, slow, difficult journey but what seems impossible today can become possible tomorrow. We are prisoners of hope. Maybe the scars will remind us our past, but God through His grace will bring out beauty from ashes. Give time to yourself. It will come the day when you will feel better. God is on your side together with the beautiful, precious Ellie.
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