In
the media, this little abbreviation generally means " Payment Protection
Insurance" but not for me….
Until
just a few months ago, it meant, "Porridge Performance Index" as I
kept a log along with a friend at work of the condition of the breakfast
porridge served up in the canteen each day based on our assessment factors of
Temperature, Consistency and Taste. The algorythms used to finalise the
days overall porridge quality score became quite complex, but the result was a
daily assessment which bizzarly seemed to track the world stock markets quite
closely. I had graphs automatically updated each day and even considered
publishing the data online but noticed that the stock market falls seemed to be
predicted by our PPI sooner than they happened, so in order not to panic the
markets, I decided I should not publish the data :-)
There
was much amusement to be had when on days of disagreement over scoring, we had
to consult the international porridge standards agency, "Offpot"....
and further amusement at the thought of Scottish independence which would
obviously require the generation of a new porridge standards agency for
Scotland, "Scoffpot". Anyway, enough of my silliness….PPI
doesn't really mean that !
Now
for the serious stuff….
For
Ellie and I, PPI is a term we have coined between us to express our emotional
state.
It
stands for "Precipice Proximity Index" and is essentially an
assessment of how "close to the edge" of the emotional cliff we are.
The
scale we use is 1-20, and the levels work something like this :-
1-2
Emotionally stable. Wellbeing good. Living well. Enjoying
life. Looking forward to the future.
3-4
Emotionally stable. Wellbeing generally good. Coping. Living
in light of past pain but not letting it dominate the present. Looking
forward generally.
5-6
Slightly on-edge emotionally but coping. Feeling fairly low.
Thoughts of the past sporadically overwhelm but generally able to purposefully
think about something else.
7-8
Feeling emotionally tired from the grief journey. Drained.
Physically tired. Lacking conversational energy etc, looking back too
much.
9-10
Feeling emotionally exhausted from the grief journey. On the edge of
tears and likely to start crying at a moment's notice. Living the
children's pain. Staring backwards into the abyss of grief
11-12
Exhausted, highly emotional ; very tearful; lots of flashbacks; want to curl up
into a ball and climb into bed. Teetering off the cliff edge emotionally.
13-14
Overwhelmed, irrational. Plummeting off the cliff edge of pain.
15-20+
Highly emotional. Totally irrational. Completely overwhelmed.
Suicidal. Lying in a jibbering heap at the foot of the cliff edge
emotionally.
Most
of the time both Ellie and I have a PPI of between 5 and 8, and once in a while
will drop to a PPI of 3-4 but rarely any lower. We also rarely venture
much above 12 but it does happen to one or other of us sometimes (thankfully
not normally both of us at the same time).
It's
not meant to be a very scientific scale and is based simply on our experience
rather than any any kind of factual research but it does help us to express to
each other the reality of the journey's highs and lows more adequately than
anything else we've come across.
The
trick for me to lower my PPI is burying myself into something which prevents me
thinking too hard about the journey…hence I am still pursuing my triathlon
training which continues to be my most effective mind-numbing experience to
date. (And I'm very pleased with my recent Reading Half Marathon PB of
1:32:24 !!)
No
idea if that makes any sense or not....
