Making sense of it all...

Time marches on.  Amazingly, we’ve now been in our house for 6 months and it does definitely feel like home.  We feel very grateful !

We have our ground floor extension planning permission through, and have appointed a builder to do the extension work…. starting late in July.  It’s a long story, but the evidence of God going before us in this process is very clear to us, and as we have 3 children sitting major exams right now (1 doing A levels, 2 doing GCSEs), the timing makes a lot of sense, despite all my hopes and plans to start earlier!

Here’s a few before-and-after photos of the garden – it’s a work in progress but is getting there slowly but surely.  Most notably, digging up ~8 tonnes of concrete path, lots of heavy digging/clearing and laying 90m² of turf…this has made a big difference to the overall appearance.  I am currently building a garden patio/seating area in my usual slightly obsessional way! 

Horace the nutter puppy has settled in well….aside from his irritating desire to dig up our newly laid turf, that is !  Grrrrrr!

The fallout of Ellie and my grief journeys continues….it’s difficult to explain but I know that I am so very different now to how I used to be….most notable is my emotional capacity which is close to “running on fumes” most of the time.   This rears its ugly head in a variety of ways, but particularly in things like conflict avoidance, lack of ability to handle stress of any magnitude, and little energy for conversation.  Most of the time I try not to think too hard about the past but the impact on my children’s lives is one which frankly rips my heart to shreds….which is something I can’t really avoid thinking about despite how much I try to look forward.

What does amaze me is how well the children seem to be doing.  To the outside world we are a “normal” (and large!) family…and I guess we are just that!  I know that I feel very blessed by all that I’ve been given with my beautiful bride and quiver-full of children!

Before...

...After

Before...

...After

I think the only way to make sense of it all is to keep looking up….God knows the pain, He knows the angst, He knows the past and He knows the future too….one day it will all make sense I think but I guess that won’t be until we meet up!  In the meantime we will get on with the garden...

PPI...

In the media, this little abbreviation generally means " Payment Protection Insurance" but not for me….

Until just a few months ago, it meant, "Porridge Performance Index" as I kept a log along with a friend at work of the condition of the breakfast porridge served up in the canteen each day based on our assessment factors of Temperature, Consistency and Taste.  The algorythms used to finalise the days overall porridge quality score became quite complex, but the result was a daily assessment which bizzarly seemed to track the world stock markets quite closely. I had graphs automatically updated each day and even considered publishing the data online but noticed that the stock market falls seemed to be predicted by our PPI sooner than they happened, so in order not to panic the markets, I decided I should not publish the data :-)

There was much amusement to be had when on days of disagreement over scoring, we had to consult the international porridge standards agency, "Offpot".... and further amusement at the thought of Scottish independence which would obviously require the generation of a new porridge standards agency for Scotland, "Scoffpot".   Anyway, enough of my silliness….PPI doesn't really mean that !

Now for the serious stuff….

For Ellie and I, PPI is a term we have coined between us to express our emotional state. 

It stands for "Precipice Proximity Index" and is essentially an assessment of how "close to the edge" of the emotional cliff we are.

The scale we use is 1-20, and the levels work something like this :-

1-2  Emotionally stable.  Wellbeing good.  Living well.  Enjoying life.  Looking forward to the future.

3-4  Emotionally stable.  Wellbeing generally good.  Coping.  Living in light of past pain but not letting it dominate the present.  Looking forward generally.

5-6  Slightly on-edge emotionally but coping.  Feeling fairly low.  Thoughts of the past sporadically overwhelm but generally able to purposefully think about something else.

7-8  Feeling emotionally tired from the grief journey.  Drained.  Physically tired.  Lacking conversational energy etc, looking back too much.

9-10  Feeling emotionally exhausted from the grief journey.  On the edge of tears and likely to start crying at a moment's notice.  Living the children's pain.  Staring backwards into the abyss of grief

11-12  Exhausted, highly emotional ; very tearful; lots of flashbacks; want to curl up into a ball and climb into bed.  Teetering off the cliff edge emotionally.

13-14 Overwhelmed, irrational.  Plummeting off the cliff edge of pain.

15-20+  Highly emotional.  Totally irrational.  Completely overwhelmed.  Suicidal.  Lying in a jibbering heap at the foot of the cliff edge emotionally.

Most of the time both Ellie and I have a PPI of between 5 and 8, and once in a while will drop to a PPI of 3-4 but rarely any lower.  We also rarely venture much above 12 but it does happen to one or other of us sometimes (thankfully not normally both of us at the same time).

It's not meant to be a very scientific scale and is based simply on our experience rather than any any kind of factual research but it does help us to express to each other the reality of the journey's highs and lows more adequately than anything else we've come across.

The trick for me to lower my PPI is burying myself into something which prevents me thinking too hard about the journey…hence I am still pursuing my triathlon training which continues to be my most effective mind-numbing experience to date.  (And I'm very pleased with my recent Reading Half Marathon PB of 1:32:24 !!)

No idea if that makes any sense or not....

A tribute...

My mother-in-law, Grace, died on 27th January, suddenly and unexpectedly.  She had been married for over 60 years.
This week was her funeral...the crematorium was the same place that her beloved daughter, Karena, went to just 4 years ago, and the church service that followed was in the same place where we got married back in 1993.

It is no understatement to say, that Grace always treated me like a son. She was a dedicated mother, and an outstanding grandmother to my children, whom she loved with all of her heart.

She was devoted to her family and friends, and was lots of fun to be around (even though she didn't always understand the joke !).  She did probably spend too much time in her beloved Marks and Spencers though!

I never knew her when she looked as young as she does in the photo here....but now she is in her permanent home with Jesus, I guess she will be more youthful.....certainly she has been reunited with her daughter in the place of great reunions.  We do have that confidence, and hope for the future too.

I had the privilege to read out these words at her funeral :-

May the God of hope fill us with all joy and peace as we trust in him, so that we may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom 15:13)

We keep trusting Jesus in amongst all the heartache.

We will miss Grace very much, but she's in the best place now.

New beginnings...

Back in December 1992 I became a Christian…it was a day that I remember very fondly as it changed everything….nothing would ever be the same.  At the time I was 24 years old.  I had been friends with the lovely Karena for some time through work; we got on like a house on fire - she was so full of life, was fun to be around, made me laugh and she was a Christian.  Over many months as our friendship developed she shared her faith with me….and challenged me to look into the evidence for Jesus' life, who he was and evidence for the resurrection.  Over time, I came to understand not only the historical evidence for Jesus' life, but also who he was and why he came…and it culminated with me praying a prayer to ask Jesus into my life whilst sitting alone in my car at 11pm one winter evening.  It was a complete new beginning and I have lived in the wonder of the gospel message ever since. 

Not only did Jesus turn my life upside down -  but 6 months later I married the lovely Karena to share my life with….she really was a gift to me from our Father in heaven.  It was another new beginning.

 

On 31st Dec 2008, Karena was diagnosed with cancer - that's 5 years ago now.  A lot of time has passed since then.  A lot of change has come.  My wife died and my three children lost their mother. I am now re-married to the lovely Ellie and I have inherited (a good word to describe it!) two more beautiful children.  We are a 'blended' family but much of the time for Ellie and I, everything can feel somewhat tainted by our combined history. 

 

Next month it will be 4 years since my Karena died and 14 years since Ellie's Ben died.

 

God promises us in the bible that he will never leave us nor forsake us.  It's an ABSOLUTELY HUGE promise.   Both Ellie and I bear witness to the truth of this through what has felt to us like the most bitter of circumstances.  Every day still we are confident of God's presence and of his favour, and every day in a myriad of ways the good news of Jesus breathes life afresh into our hearts, and gives us confidence and hope for the future. 

Every day with Jesus represents a new beginning to us.

 

Nothing can ever come remotely close to replacing those that Ellie and I have loved and lost of course.  Our lives, our hearts & our emotional capacity are forever changed, and every day presents emotional challenges as a result  (which reminds me, I must blog on our "Precipice Proximity Index" aka "PPI" sometime soon!)

We are very glad for all that we have been given though….we treasure one another and we have five teenage children who delight and exhaust us in fairly equal measure.  It still feels like new beginnings for us as a combined family and we are looking to the future, and trying not to look back too hard most of the time….yet we are acutely aware that the pain of the past invades each and every new day.

 

So here's one more new beginning to make you smile….

A long time ago Ben promised Ellie that he would buy her a puppy when their 2 children were a little older and when they'd settled down out of bible college.  Last weekend, we 'fulfilled' this promise as Ellie and I left the house at 5.15am along with our dog, Sam, for a 200+ mile journey to west Wales….our mission was to collect a 9 week old rescue puppy called Horace.  We reserved him before Christmas and told the children about him on Christmas day….and as expected, they are all utterly besotted with him ! 

I know he's 'just a dog' but for us he is also a part of our new family identity and our new beginnings together….and he is also very cute and cuddly (even though he yelps at bedtime and leaves unwelcome little packages around the place !!)

Christmas in pictures....

Stockings in bed !

 

From a friend : "I bought it because it had 7 flowers on it - reminded me of you all"

A favourite Christmas present - Guess who ?!

Craig and Ellie in their new Onesies (I always wanted one!) :-)

Last year's present from me to Ellie was a house sign - a promise of something yet to come....installed on our new house 1 year later to the day - promise fulfilled !!

Feasting !!!

 Merry Christmas from us all !!

Christmas is coming...

Long time no blog.....

The last few weeks seem to have flown by...here's a few highlights ....

• Ripping the 18" thick ivy off the house (what a job that was!)
• Finishing painting all the internal replacement doors and stairway banisters
• A day out at a local Spa a week ago after crazy amounts of DIY
• Putting up our Christmas tree in our new house (a potted living one)
• Taking down our Christmas tree due to excessive shedding :-(
• Putting up fake Christmas tree (no shedding issues!)
• Putting up outside Christmas lights !
• Installing new Log burner in front room, which gets its inaugural lighting tonight !
• Meeting all the neighbours - who are lovely !
• Bible discussions around the dinner table all around the advent story
• Decorating our outside cabin to look like Santa's Grotto
• Crazy amounts of Christmas shopping for family and extended family.
• Completing drawings for our downstairs extension - will be submitted for planning this week
• Ordering a huge turkey :-)

Roll on Chrimbo !

What a crazy week....

Ahhhh, what a crazy week it's been....

 

In pictures :- 

Flowers given to us from the Estate Agent when we picked up the house keys....we had some of these at our wedding....it reminded us that this is a new day for our family....

Even the cat got packed...

First meal on lounge carpet surrounded by absolutely nothing...

 

An insane amount of painting and DIY (with a lot of help, we painted the entire house white in 7 days!)....

Ripping out dodgy electrics....

...and some of the more unusual features....

 

Yesterday removals men finally emptied our old house....interesting sculptures appeared around the old rented place from the dust and dog hair left behind :-)

 

A slightly odd area in the loft above our bedroom which we are using to keep our 'danger boxes' :-

 

 

The removals men finished yesterday - we now have boxes coming out of our arm pits !

 

Today we have the  carpenter coming to do some jobs, we have the plumber coming to finish the new bathroom (the one and only Ben Patterson - a top man doing a fabulous job !!), we have to clean the rented house, we have the architect coming to measure up for an extension, and I have a physio (or is it psycho?!) appointment....so a fairly quiet day all in all ! :-)

 

Stuff we are so very grateful for :-

 

• Our home...we've at last spent our first night in our new home !
• Our friends and family who have cooked us loads of meals and helped with decorating and DIY (we couldn't have got this far without you all !)
• Enough energy to keep going (we have been waking up very early with activity lists in our heads !)
• Time off from working. 
• People who have been praying for us
• A warm house....