12 Days of Christmas...

It's been the first Christmas that I've really enjoyed since 2007....and the kids all had a great time!

We made up a song on Christmas day which represents our family and made us smile.....to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"...try it out....





On the 1st Day of Christmas the Lord God gave to me...
- A hard working washing machine

- 2 different names
- 3 different schools
- 4 sets of in-laws

- 5 T E E N A G E R S

- 6 sets of bedding
- 7 family members
- 8 bikes to choose from
- 9 pets to start with
- 10 (our new bed time)
- 11 types of china
- 12 bins to empty

Quite catchy eh ?!

The snowman family

Webster/Mackay snowman family all ready for Christmas !

Following on from my previous blog, we're not really changing our surname (for those who weren't quite sure!) - it was tongue-in-cheek !!

This grief journey definitely includes a measure of madness but silliness is also permitted !!
The madness part feels very integral to the journey for me - and many people we've spoken to on similar journeys say the same thing….sometimes you really do feel like you're totally losing your grip on reality and/or your mind !!
As for silliness - well I'm probably sillier now than I've ever been (but not entirely stupid hopefully !!?) but there are many other changes too - I was told a couple of days ago that I'm a lot gentler than I used to be…that's good I think. I'm certainly damaged forever in ways that I can't fully explain….examples include :-
- I can't handle pressure like I used to be able to
- I have become hideously forgetful
- I lack motivation
- I emotionally overload without warning
- I avoid conflict like the plague
- I physically wince when I think back to hospice days
  etc
That's just some of the fallout….but thankfully I'm still very silly….(hooray!)….in fact, it's quite possible that my next blog entry may relate to the recently discovered Porridge Performance Index (PPI) - just a simple foodstuff you may think, or perhaps an uncanny predictor of the UK Economy?? Coming soon to a blog near you….(but only if you say please).

So….Christmas is less than a week away.  Presents are all purchased (but mostly not yet wrapped).
The dog has now recovered following his single-pawed advent chocolate and candy-cane raid of the christmas tree (he really was 'Dog Mess' for a couple of days!)

As a family it feels like we've been on a voyage of discovery afresh during the advent season….we've been listening to J John's short daily advent messages and following scripture union's advent story too (there's quite a few embellishments in the latter!) Then we've also been thinking on the Bible names of Jesus each day from our advent candle (see daily tweets!), and talking a lot about what it must have really been like during the events surrounding the birth of Jesus.
The 'Christmas story' can be so unhelpfully familiar in many ways because of tradition, fairytale images on Christmas cards, school nativities (as cute as they are!), sentiment etc BUT the Bible account is a factual historical reality.

Most poignant for me so far this year is the scripture which recounts when Mary was told by the angel that "The power of the Almighty will overshadow you". This was Mary's encounter at the point when God stepped into history in the person of Jesus - the incarnation - the most significant event in the history of the world. That same truth that Mary was told is now true for all believers in light of the resurrection…the power of the almighty overshadows us….he is quite literally Immanuel ("God with us"). Through all of life's ups and downs and the huge storms which engulf us (or will at some point) , the Lord Almighty doesn't leave…He is an ever present help in trouble.   It is simple.   It is incredible.   It is true.   It really is great news and we choose to live in the reality of this at Christmas and every other day of the year.

Which just leaves us to wish you a very Merry Christmas…. we received the above HUGE and very lovely personalised Christmas card a couple of days ago with 7 snowmen on it....it's taking pride of place in our family Christmas display!

MERRY CHRISTMAS !
With love from the Websters/Mackays (aka Family Mess!)

Happy Families

It’s taken a while but I’ve come to the firm conclusion that we are 'somewhat unusual' as a family…….

On Sunday I was in tears at church (how novel !)....sometimes the 'weight' and all the memories that Ellie and I carry around in our thick skulls all the time for ourselves and our children can be so incredibly tiring emotionally….and as my good friend preached a message about Jesus being the "living water" I was tipped over the emotional edge. So up for prayer I went….

Then on Monday/Tuesday both Ellie and I were confronted afresh, in our discussions with others, with some of our memories which we’d really rather forget (but you can’t!) Talking about our journeys is definitely therapeutic, even if painful, and the people that we spoke to have had similar nightmare stories and tell us how helpful it is that we can talk openly. I guess that’s good, even if a little unusual….

The children are all doing astoundingly well really. One daughter has had to face the untimely death of a very young teacher at her school (just weeks after she gave birth to a child)….which plunged her back into hideous memories which are so difficult to deal with, as well as the sadness of the loss of a teacher and young mother that she so respected. Another daughter keeps getting referred to by the wrong surname….it's quite annoying (for me more than anybody else I think!!). To be clear, we have two distinct surnames in one family and they aren't double-barrelled, they just sit side-by-side. So we're not "Family Mackay" nor "Family Webster", but we are the "Webster/Mackay" or "Mackay/Webster" family. One family…Two names….'somewhat unusual'.   In the 21st century era of family breakups and step families it's not all that unusual I don't think, although how we got here is moreso!

So, for our 'somewhat unusual' family, Christmas is coming….and it's time for a little confession at this point – it’s the first Christmas since the nightmare of 2009/10 that I haven’t been either fearful about or detested it's imminent arrival.   I’m actually quite looking forward to it this year….Ellie is too. We are definitely forging a 'new normal' for our combined family with new traditions being established ("Chocolate Wednesday" being the current favourite) and we are all looking forward to Christmas morning stockings with 5 children posted at different points on the (very furry) carpet in our bedroom in our home. 

Ellie has already made Christmas cake (it smells delightful)….we're doing a daily advent chocolate hunt and nativity scene assembly, and using different bible names for Jesus every day when we pray at mealtimes….it helps us to remember the truth of the season.

So how do we tie up our 'somewhat unusual' family and the Christmas season? The answer is simple - we have decided to legally change our surname by deed poll to something which represents our uniqueness, our journeys and our challenges…so our new surname will be "Mess" (people can even spell it without explanation)….and to solve the christmas present challenge for another year, we are getting a batch of special "Happy Families" cards made….we will be “Family Mess”, with "Father Mess", "Mother Mess", 2 "Master Mess" cards and 3 "Mistress Mess" cards (and perhaps our pooch, Sam, can be "Dog Mess"?!). We will be the unusual family in the pack that is most difficult to get the complete set of…and the photos on the cards will be extracted from our wedding cake figures shown here. Christmas presents all sorted for another year. Surname trouble resolved. Hoorah!

Happy Advent !

A letter...

Hey Lovely,

I know you can't hear me but as I keep thinking about what I'd say to you, I thought I'd put some of it down in writing…
 

We all really miss you and on the build up to days like your birthday, it can just be so overwhelming….I was really on the edge of the precipice some of the time for many of the days before to be honest. Sometimes I really want to curl up in a ball and hope the aching pain will all go away but of course that would really make no difference….so I just try to occupy my mind with something else…..
 

Anyway, I know that you are having a blast and probably laughing all the time and drinking cappuccino after cappuccino (is there coffee there ??!!)
 

I'd love to know what it's like to be able to actually look into the faces of Jesus and the Father….it must be incredible ! I guess my time will come soon enough and I'll find out for myself but it's a little mind-blowing! I'm so glad about the confidence that we have ….where the bible says that "we don't grieve as those who have no hope"…it's very reassuring for us when we are hanging off the precipice !! I talked to our daughter about that yesterday as she was having a bit of a sad moment.
 

Our children are doing really well….I'm a bit confused to be honest about what you actually know when you're in heaven - people who don't study the bible often talk about loved ones "looking down on us" but I can't find much biblical basis for that and I'm not convinced that it's all that helpful…..anyway, I've got 2 more children now…their Dad, Ben, died over 12 years ago and they don't really remember him - so now I'm being Dad to five children and my beautiful wife Ellie is being mum to five too….it's very busy and very noisy. You'd really like Ellie…she's a delightful Christian woman, she's the treasure of my heart, my very best friend, a top-class mum, and she understands the weirdness and pain of this journey (what more could I ask for?!).
 

It's funny but I have been thinking recently about what you must have prayed for when you were in your last days here and I'm quite sure that on top of your list would have been a fabulous Christian step-mum and wife.…thank you for those prayers my Love, because our Father has answered them in a way that is more than I could possibly have expected or imagined.
 

Ellie and I both delight in our five children but the journey has been so tough for us both and is still fraught with pain which can so often jump out without warning…. it must be so fab to be in a place where there is absolutely no pain, no fear, no tears, and no sadness!
 

I guess you've met Ellie's Ben by now - you can tell him that I'm doing the very best that I can for his children and I'm really looking forward to meeting him one day quite soon.
 

I used to describe you as being "the wind in my sails" - you still are but now it's in memory only….and Ellie of course has become the wind in my sails in the 'here and now' sense …. I still love you of course but I also love her too….if that makes any sense whatsoever ?!
 

A couple of weeks ago I was out cycling with guys from my club and we went past the place in Windsor Great Park where we scattered your ashes…it's on the downhill slope going into Windsor and as we approached that place I hammered it full pelt…I hit 65kph according to my bike computer….it was exhilerating for a few minutes and perhaps relieved a little of the angst that I felt in my heart approaching that place once again. I think the guys in the club thought I'd gone barmy but I waited for them a bit further up the road !
 

Anyway my love…..I'm glad you're home safe and sound and I'll see you there soon.

All my love, as always.

Craig

x

Birthdays...

We've had two birthdays this week.

The first was on Wednesday....it would have been Karena's birthday, and, as has happened in the past, the build up to the day was worse than the day itself.

I heard from two of Karena's closest friends that they went out for coffee and cake in her honour on the day - a fitting tribute to my lovely wife.

For me, it was more of a "Beam-me-up-Scottie" type of day....so I wrote to her instead....(a bit odd maybe but seemed like an ok thing to do).

Our second birthday was my step-son's 15th.....in my opinion, he's an outstanding young man...and we enjoyed a huge birthday breakfast, lots of presents, take-away food, cake, family movies and sweets !    He got a sword amongst other things ..... it's a fencing epee so not quite as horrific as it sounds perhaps?!  I feel very privileged to be filling the 'Dad' role in his life even though of course I can't ever fill it biologically ! 
One day I will meet Jesus face-to-face myself and I will meet Ellie's Ben too - and I will tell him of all the joy that his son and daughter brought to our combined family.  That will be a good day.

One of the things you realise about this journey is that all birthdays have a measure of pain associated with them.  Because I love him, I feel so sad that my step-son's Dad isn't there for his birthday......as it is I feel delighted that this young man has been adopted into our family (and me into his), and I can now call him my son. 
My relationship with my step-children is a great reminder to me that as a Christian, I have been personally adopted into God's family - I am now a son of The Father, an heir, chosen by Him and called by name...all made possible because of what Jesus' has done.

Happy Birthday Son!

The mask

Sometime ago, I blogged about how on this grief journey, there is pain and angst just bubbling away beneath the surface, ready to totally erupt and overwhelm at a moment's notice….it hasn't changed, and to be honest I'm not sure that it's ever likely to.

 

The whole world changed for both Ellie and I when those that we loved (and the parents of our children) died, so why would either of us expect to ever return to any kind of 'normal' ?

 

Looking in the mirror though I realise I must seem fairly normal to onlookers (as 'normal' as I ever have been that is!), and it's only me that really realises the turmoil that can be behind the smile that I purpose to pull so often. 
Whether we like it or not though both Ellie and I wear a mask a lot of the time…a mask of 'normality', of 'coping'…but behind it we are never very far from the precipice of huge emotional pain….as we both got reminded of in different ways over these last few days (I'll spare you the details!)

 

However, for both Ellie and I, now doing our grief journeys together (and absolutely delighting in being together), we have an increasing sense that God has plans for us to be a part of binding up other people's broken hearts, and comforting others who mourn…..and helping others take off their masks too…

 

For us, the answer lies in what direction we're looking in….if we look backwards from behind our masks, there's just pain and heartache.  If we just look forwards it all can seem so daunting (but with some glimmers of hope of course), but when we stop for a moment, are honest with ourselves, remove the masks we wear…and then gaze upwards into the eye's of Jesus there's simply everything that we can possibly need….love, comfort, strength, compassion, confidence, hope, purpose and a future too. 

 

And so we will leave the last words of this blog to our master who delights in helping us take off our masks and meeting our real needs….

 

Isaiah 61:1-3ff (Luke 4:17-21)
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour….to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve….to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.   They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendour…..

Chocolate pavlova

Today my oldest daughter got baptised.  It was a day of great joy and hugely emotional....this is her own story in her own words that she read out before getting into the pool......

"Hello Everyone!! I am 16 years old. I was brought up/ am being brought up in a Christian family with my mum, dad, brother and sister.  I became a Christian when I was four years old. Although I don’t remember much about that moment, I know that I was certain that Jesus had, very simply, died for ‘all the naughty things that I did’ – and at this point that was sufficient. As I grew up my faith in Jesus deepened and with it came a deeper love for him, which can only be explained by the work of the Holy Spirit in my life and the beautiful Christian friends and family placed around me!

However, even at the beginning of secondary school my life was fairly easy going. But on the 31^st of December 2008 my life was completely turned upside down when my mum was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Thus began the start of a hectic year, full of pain and sadness, but also of memories and laughter. One that left us (as a family) broken, drained and relying solely on the God to whom we all loved and followed. Yet, in December 2009 my mum was transferred to the Duchess of Kent palliative care unit.  Initially I was unaware of exactly what this meant, but shortly afterwards my dad and mum sat me, my brother and sister down with Sean, Liz, Amanda(my aunt) and as my dad began to read this passage from John chapter 14 my eyes filled with tears as I comprehended what was coming: ‘Do not let your hearts be troubled, trust in God, trust also in me. In my father’s house there are many rooms, if it were not so I would not have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you also may be where I am.’ My mum was on her final journey. Over the next couple of months I saw my mum grow weaker and weaker. I needed someone who would tenderly comfort me and remind me of the great glory that my mum was going to. Therefore, when my Mum died on the 12^th of February 2010 I had to be absolutely rock solid in my faith. Because, if what I had previously believed was false, then my life was in a complete mess - but I stand today believing that my Mum is in eternal glory. I can say with confidence, ‘Death oh where is your sting?’ and, I know that, when I meet my maker I will also see my mum again!!! This assurance that I stand by meant, that as I began to grieve for my mum, through it all I have known the steadfast love of my saviour comforting me.
                Finally, even though I am very strong willed – which can be a very bad thing…., one of the most competitive people you will probably ever meet AND amazingly disorganised-don’t ask me to come anywhere on time!…..I know that with an on-going relationship with the Father, the Holy Spirit is slowly moulding and shaping me to be more like Jesus. I have realised this more at Newday this year where I have definitely encountered God afresh. I have learnt that our God is a mountain shaker and that He is best exalted in our weakness e.g. humbling myself and admitting that I am actually wrong sometimes - which my parents remind me of!  I have realised that He is always a good God!… I have also discovered that I don’t have to be in church or reading my bible or praying for God to speak to me. In fact, quite often, I feel the presence of God or have pictures whilst horse riding!!! AND I now have Ellie my new step-mum and Barnaby and Lucy, my step brother and sister. I know that God has placed them in our path and I love them very dearly… We are now a family of 7!!!
                So I have decided to be baptised today as a declaration of my faith – I know my sin is forgiven - and to show that my heart and life have changed as a result of the good news of Christ. This is an act of following the example that Jesus Christ set and commanded us to do also. I shall continue to pursue and serve Him for the rest of my life, held in his hands, until I, like my mother, kneel at the feet of my glorious King- what a day!"

After lots of tears, we all went back to our house and ate Chocolate Pavlova, amongst other things!