Charting progress.....

I've had a bit of blog inspiration failure recently....I guess I don't want to keep banging the same drum over and over but that's just kinda how it is really !
There are days when the weight of what the children and I went through, and the weight of what I feel I carry for my children day-in, day-out, threatens to totally engulf me....I end up just feeling emotionally knackered !....it's not totally mind consuming all the time, of course, but it's always there pressing on you, ready to overwhelm at a moment's notice.
It's pretty rubbish really !!
I never really understood the incessant nature of all of this when I started on this part of the journey in February last year. I (foolishly probably) assumed that you grieve intensely and then gradually get better...it hasn't really been like that....throughout last year I felt like I got more and more drained as months went on.
Many times I've thought about trying to graph the journey in terms of emotional well-being......so I've tried it below!! It's not too scientific (and let's not worry too much about the measurement units!), but is a measure of how the last 18 months+ or so has been for me !
I'm such an engineer sometimes !
Ironically, trying to graph the journey would have made Karena really laugh and then relentlessly tease me (she'd probably have called it my "Depression Chart" and then would have laughed her head off!) :-)
The good news is that the graph is now generally up and to the right !!
Ellie, of course, understands the journey, and has been instrumental in helping me deal with the pain, and bringing me out of the dip and upwards....
Anyway - here it is.....



Note 1 : Lows at mine and children's birthdays and wedding anniversary

Note 2 : I had two panic attacks (or anxiety attacks, or something like that!) - one in October last year in the middle of the night, and the other one on Christmas day ! Hadn't blogged on this before probably because I just felt too embarassed to do so !!

Yesterday I read in the bible :-

Proverbs 12:25 "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up"
Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache and joy may end in grief."

Honeymoon #2 (Joy and Pain)

We're just back from 4 days in Venice - it was honeymoon part 2 !!

We had 3 children at Church/Guide camps this week and grandparents/dear friends looked after the remaining 2, so we could get away !

It was very warm and great to be able to 'finish' our honeymoon as we only managed 2 days first time around because we needed to get back for the children/schools!

On both honeymoons(!), we've had great times together but also several times of sadness and tears as we've reflected and talked through our journeys; there's lots of pain for us both not far from the surface....

Yesterday on our final day as we read the bible together, we read this :

Proverbs 4:25

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil"

To allow past (and current) hurt to shape the present and the future without totally overwhelming it, seems to be the thing.....so we are resolving to (each day) work hard at fixing our gaze ahead and not continuously staring into the pain that can so often threaten to totally overwhelm one or other (or both) of us. Today is the anniversary of Ellie and Ben's wedding....

x

Summer holidays.....

Center Parcs - how much fun was that ?!!

Just a trophy....

Last year I gave a trophy to Aldryngton School - Karena worked there as a Teaching Assistant and my children have all been through the school (Last one finishes year 6 today !)

The Trophy is called the...

"Karena Mackay Memorial Trophy for Consistent Care and Positive Contribution to Lower School"

(quite a mouthful !)

The trophy is awarded to the child who, in the opinion of the teachers, exhibits exemplary character (kindness, helpfulness, serving others, gentleness, politeness, perseverance etc) rather than for academic achievement.

So as I drove to school on Monday I felt one of those overwhelming senses of "I'm not going to be able to hold this together....."

Thankfully, when it came to the presentation of the award in the whole school assembly, the Head Teacher did all the talking so all I had to do was smile and do the presentation itself (if only people knew what was going through my mind behind the external grin).

George was a very appropriate winner....I think Karena would have been pleased.

Photo of the lad is available in the newsletter here

Something to inspire...

Got sent this by email this week and it rather inspired me so here it is....

On Sept 18 2007, computer science professor Randy Pausch stepped in front of an audience of 400 people to deliver a last lecture called "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". With slides of his CT scans beaming out to the audience about the cancer that is devouring his pancreas and that will claim his life in a matter of months. On stage that day, he was youthful, energetic, handsome, often cheerfully, darkly funny. He seemed invincible. But that was a brief moment, as he himself acknowledged.
Sadly Randy lost his battle to pancreatic cancer on July 25th 2008 but his legacy continues to inspire...

In a letter to his wife and children he wrote this beautiful guide to a better life for his wife and children to follow ...may you be blessed by his insight....

Points on how to improve your life
Personality

1. Don't compare your life to others; you have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control; instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
3. Don't overdo it; keep within your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time; you already have all that you need
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past-that will ruin your present happiness
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others
10. Make peace with your past so that it won't spoil the present.
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
12. Realise that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime
13. Smile and laugh more.
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community

15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others.
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least 3 people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch

Life

22. Put God first in everything and anything that you think, say or do
23. God heals everything (this doesn't mean physical healing of everything as we well know!!)
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you wake alive in the morning, thank God for it
30. If you know God, you will always be happy. So be happy (Not sure I actually agree with this one!)

Surrender....

At the time of writing....

• My wife is making bread (domestic goddess!)


• My daughters are horse riding and watching tv


• My step daughter is doing homework


• My son is playing badminton


• My step son is playing Call of Duty


• My legs hurt after a long cycle ride early this morning (There's now a vacancy in the Sky team in Le Tour de France!)


• We're listening to "Surrender"


• Tomorrow would have been my 18th wedding anniversary.


• This week we've smashed 5 glasses. Quite impressive !

Normal life.......

Wedding List...

The great news is that our alternative wedding list for Tearfund raised £785 through many generous gifts.......Thank you so very much !!
A lot of people (that you and I will never meet) will benefit !!

How fab !
x