Revisiting Grey Squirrel

Wednesday's visit to Grey Squirrel was visit number 2.
I went armed with some photos and a hard copy of my blog covering Karena's journey to glory.

I read lots, relived tonnes of memories (mostly sad), and cried a lot. Another hour of my life over with.

Am hoping that there is healing in all the tears, otherwise I'm totally wasting my time. For the last 2 days since then I've just felt totally flat, fizz-less, without much emotional energy at all.

My fabulous friend Ellie, who's journeyed this same path, says that it's all very normal. Personally I'm not sure I'll ever be 'normal' again.

Back to Grey squirrel for session #3 next week.

Stuff I'm grateful for today :-

• The unchanging gospel - without which, there is, quite simply, no hope whatsoever!
• My counselling 'team'- particularly Grey Squirrel, Ellie, Sean and Tim.
• My Land Rover in the snow (hill starts on snow and ice just for fun !)

A pinch and a punch.....

So, it's the 1st of December...which means Christmas is just around the corner !

Am trying not to think too hard about last year's Christmas - but the snow brings back an awful lot of memories ('awful' being the operative word !).

I went to see Grey Squirrel again today; last session was cancelled - I like to think it's because I'm too much of an emotional challenge, but actually I think she just had a better offer ! More on today's visit to Grey Squirrel on the next blog.....

So, as it's December, we've been out tonight and bought our Christmas tree, so the children have been busy decorating it this evening, accompanied by some very (annoying) cheesey Christmas music :-)

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a panic about the prospect of having to sort out lots of Christmas presents (In all previous years , I've only bought for one person !!), so I decided to start Christmas shopping early!...I then got quite focussed and have now managed to buy all presents, and have even wrapped them all (including stockings)....so I thought a smug blog was called for...tee hee...all presents wrapped, Christmas tree up, outside lights on (first in the street!), and we even made mince pies tonight (my first time ever !). Am feeling ever so prepared ! I must've forgotten something !

Shhhh - I thought I heard sleigh bells.....

Comedy moments....

So the birthday was OK in the end.... after eating gigantic tortillas from "The Mexican" in town - stuffed with meat and beans and sour cream and sauce etc, we came home and watched Harry Hill on dvd with popcorn and chocolate....and laughed a lot ! Was glad when the day was over with tho !!

A couple of months ago No.3 daughter found a piece of plastic in her dinner - it's origin was a jar of pasta sauce (it was a rush meal !!) - so I phoned the company (Mars) - they requested that I send them the piece of plastic and the bar code from the jar - which I did. Their first letter received after a month advised, "I have started to investigate the incident; however it may take some time to complete. You have my assurance....."
I forgot all about it until yesterday's post arrived......another letter following their detailed investigation which reads, "After analysing the sample you returned we have positively identified the material as being a piece of plastic."
I was thinking I might apply for a job in their forensic science department :-)

Just another day....

Not sure what to write really....it's Karena's birthday.

Getting out of bed was a struggle.

Tonight we're going out for dinner. I know Karena would have wanted us to enjoy ourselves so I will go through the motions and try to muster up some enthusiasm...but the blanket-like weight of heaviness that hangs from my heart sometimes feels totally overwhelming; today is one of those days.

A good friend reminded me this morning of Rom 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Gonna try to cling onto Jesus today as best as I can....in memory of my wife, I will start with cappuccino....

Introducing Grey Squirrel...

So yesterday was counselling day....never been to a counsellor before so another first experience! The counsellor is a lovely Christian lady who I will call 'Grey Squirrel' (just because it's all 'confidential' and I'm silly!).
I took along with me some photos & Karena's diary.....

Spent an hour talking through memories, pain I have for my children, the journey, the future, and all that I know God is doing in me and speaking to me about....tissues were in ample supply !!

At the end of the (very long) hour, I came out with a headache but felt peaceful knowing that I'd offloaded, and I also knew that the Healer, the Holy Spirit, was very much present in our time together.

Having listened to my story, Grey Squirrel told me, amongst other things, that I was very special (always good to hear !) and that God has big plans for the future! :-)

Back for some more splurging next week.....

Nehemiah 8:10 "...for the joy of the Lord is your strength"

Resting in the shadow....

So the clocks have gone back, the evenings are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping and the shadows are lengthening.....

This morning I went for a long run in the rain, and as I did so I was reminded of a scripture which went over and over in my head.....about resting in the shadow....not any old shadow - but resting in the shadow of the Almighty. I knew I needed to speak to a very dear friend about it....but as I've reflected, I know it's also so very true for me and my family too- the only shadow I really want to lengthen in our lives is the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91 : 1-2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty,
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust".

So it's time for rest - which means dwelling in the shelter of the Most High and resting in the shadow that only He can give me - a shadow of refuge.

a father's love...

I have always been careful not to write on here much about my children and the journey that they are each on - because, as their father (with all my flaws and failings) I love them dearly and am massively protective of them, and their journey is private to them, and to anybody they choose to share parts of it with.

In some ways I can cope with losing my wife and best friend because of the confidence I have in where she is. My biggest ongoing frustrations and tears are for my children who also have to walk this road which can so often be filled with overwhelming emotions and unexpected sadness. My struggle as their father is that I can't take the pain away from them. I would willingly take all their pain, all their tears, all their sadness if it meant that they didn't have to experience it. Unfortunately I just can't do that and so - when they hurt, it hurts me so much that I literally ache inside.

Today has been gut-wrenching for me for this very reason.....walking around town struggling to put one foot in front of the other, continuously wiping away tears because of the pain of one of my children...and my mind inevitably turns to God The Father, and I wonder at His pain at seeing his one and only Son suffering and dying on the cross at Calvery....
.... and I'm utterly undone as I realise that my aching love for my children is just a poor reflection of the aching love of The Father as He watched His Son Jesus take the punishment that we deserve. That's the love of The Father.

1 John 3:16 "This is how we know what love is : Jesus Christ laid down his life for us"