Introducing Grey Squirrel...

So yesterday was counselling day....never been to a counsellor before so another first experience! The counsellor is a lovely Christian lady who I will call 'Grey Squirrel' (just because it's all 'confidential' and I'm silly!).
I took along with me some photos & Karena's diary.....

Spent an hour talking through memories, pain I have for my children, the journey, the future, and all that I know God is doing in me and speaking to me about....tissues were in ample supply !!

At the end of the (very long) hour, I came out with a headache but felt peaceful knowing that I'd offloaded, and I also knew that the Healer, the Holy Spirit, was very much present in our time together.

Having listened to my story, Grey Squirrel told me, amongst other things, that I was very special (always good to hear !) and that God has big plans for the future! :-)

Back for some more splurging next week.....

Nehemiah 8:10 "...for the joy of the Lord is your strength"

Resting in the shadow....

So the clocks have gone back, the evenings are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping and the shadows are lengthening.....

This morning I went for a long run in the rain, and as I did so I was reminded of a scripture which went over and over in my head.....about resting in the shadow....not any old shadow - but resting in the shadow of the Almighty. I knew I needed to speak to a very dear friend about it....but as I've reflected, I know it's also so very true for me and my family too- the only shadow I really want to lengthen in our lives is the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91 : 1-2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty,
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust".

So it's time for rest - which means dwelling in the shelter of the Most High and resting in the shadow that only He can give me - a shadow of refuge.

a father's love...

I have always been careful not to write on here much about my children and the journey that they are each on - because, as their father (with all my flaws and failings) I love them dearly and am massively protective of them, and their journey is private to them, and to anybody they choose to share parts of it with.

In some ways I can cope with losing my wife and best friend because of the confidence I have in where she is. My biggest ongoing frustrations and tears are for my children who also have to walk this road which can so often be filled with overwhelming emotions and unexpected sadness. My struggle as their father is that I can't take the pain away from them. I would willingly take all their pain, all their tears, all their sadness if it meant that they didn't have to experience it. Unfortunately I just can't do that and so - when they hurt, it hurts me so much that I literally ache inside.

Today has been gut-wrenching for me for this very reason.....walking around town struggling to put one foot in front of the other, continuously wiping away tears because of the pain of one of my children...and my mind inevitably turns to God The Father, and I wonder at His pain at seeing his one and only Son suffering and dying on the cross at Calvery....
.... and I'm utterly undone as I realise that my aching love for my children is just a poor reflection of the aching love of The Father as He watched His Son Jesus take the punishment that we deserve. That's the love of The Father.

1 John 3:16 "This is how we know what love is : Jesus Christ laid down his life for us"

Turn your eyes.....

A dear friend told me recently that we safely delivered dear Karena into the presence of her saviour....I do know that she's really home now and having a fabulous time in the presence of Jesus.
For me, I can't get this song out of my head for these last few days and the desire to gaze upon the face of Jesus is stronger now than it's ever been I think; everything else certainly pales into insignificance and into proper perspective in light of the glorious gospel....

Please join me today - whether through laughter or through tears - and let's turn our eyes together.....

Hebrews 12:2 : Let us fix our eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God

Song Lyrics :
You said all that follow You may find
Comfort and pain, blessings in hard times,
Were I to leave, where else would I go ?
The words of life and truth You hold.

All I want is love,
I confess to this
I will take it Lord,
All You have to give.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things on earth
Will grow strangely dim,
In the light of his glory and grace.....

Another first....

Yesterday it was 8 months since 'The Great Sadness"....

On Monday I had another first....this time, one which took me very much by surprise....we had a good friend over for dinner and I set the table for six......it wasn't until I brought the last plate of food across to the table that I realised that the four of us and our friend already had plates in front of us and I was holding one spare portion ;-(
Looking on the bright side I suppose, we all got some extra chicken ;-( A bit sad tho !

Have decided to try and arrange some Christian counselling particularly in light of the tsunami-type problems that I have....talking about it all can only help !

Have a lovely day ;-)

Tsunami !

I really wasn't expecting it....the Tsunami, that is...
...but then again, I think it's been building for a little while.....and it arrived yesterday, and seemed to build in magnitude as the day progressed, before the tide seemed to draw back again today !

Poetic language maybe, but that really describes how it all happened in terms of the overwhelming emotional onslaught of the day.....totally awash with tears, awash with painful memories of watching my dearest friend slowly die, awash with memories of conversations, awash with shatterred hopes and dreams, awash with desperation over what my children no longer have....totally and completely overwhelming - an emotional tsunami !
I didn't even have the energy to pray; thankfully tho my dearest friends will listen, will cry with me, and will pray for me when I don't feel able.....

It's said that grief hits you in waves - well almost 8 months down the line, it was an absolutely huge one; hopefully it won't return in the same way again !!

It's really well described in the words of a song I have been listening to today (listen here)....

...and in the words of a dear friend, "I have been praying for you this morning, for healing and comfort that I just can't give you myself, but that God can..."

Today is another day, thankfully !

Live Strong....

I've been thinking a lot about strength over these last few days....

Lance Armstrong has coined the expression "Live Strong" for his cancer charity, but living strong is a clear bible theme through both good times and bad times....

After a disastrous time, David (1Sam 30:6b) "...found strength in the Lord his God"...and...

After a successful time, David sang (Psalm 18:1-2),"I love you, O Lord, my strength...the Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer...my God is my rock" (Wish I knew the tune !)

And some other favourites...

"The Lord is the strength of His people" (Ps 28:8)

"Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." (Eph 6:10)

With that in mind I'm toying with thoughts of trying to find some suitable part time work. I was originally planning to leave it until next year but think it would be good to do sooner rather than later.....there's a finite amount of dog walking, shopping trips and house cleaning that a man can stand !! Guess I'd better start praying then.....