"I do..."

10th July 1993 probably isn't that significant a date to most people....for me though it was a life changer....I really landed jam-side-up that day !

17 years later I'm still so glad that Karena said "I do" because she totally changed my life in the process. This year of course there are no anniversary cards, & no hopes for our future married life together...in their place there are just shatterred hopes,shatterred dreams, tears and sadness.

In my bible reading notes this morning I have been reading about the goodness of God from Psalm 34:8

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man that takes refuge in him"

...and the commentary notes read as follows :-

Some people misunderstand the idea that God is good, and take it to mean that bad things will never happen. Then, because of the results of the Fall - things like death and sin and sickness and abuse and earthquakes - still happen, they get angry with God....but in verse 19 the psalmist makes the remarkable announcement "Many are the afflictions of the righteous" which is the exact opposite of what many people today would think. Even with a good God who is sovereign over everything and has the power to do whatever he likes, good people still suffer. The punch-line comes in the next phrase though..."but the Lord delivers you out of them all".....and "no-one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him" (vs 22)

My theology is clear, but I still feel sad most of the time ! So....exactly 17 years after saying "I do", I will cling onto the most important person that Karena introduced me to just a few months before we were married - Jesus - He alone is my Helper, my Comforter, my Hope, my Salvation, my Rock, my Fortress & my Song....

...and when He asks "Will you follow me wherever it leads and however hard it is?"...

...through tears, I reply "I do".

It's all about the journey....

Two weeks ago I cycled to Windsor Great Park to the place where we scattered Karena's ashes. What struck me when I got there was how high the grass had grown - about a metre - of course time has marched on and, if left unattended, grass tends to do that type of thing. There I prayed and told God that I knew it was time to move on....

Yesterday I fancied a long bike ride so headed back towards Windsor - but this time I didn't stop at the Great Park but stayed on the road and raced all the way into Windsor then back out in a big loop around the route of the Windsor triathlon and then back home. It felt a little strange to stay on the road and not stop as I passed - but Karena isn't there anyway, she is with Jesus in a far more beautiful place and will certainly never be forgotten by everyone who loved her.

I was quite chuffed with the cycling - for the saddo fitness fanatics like me, the stats are : 76km, 2hrs & 33mins, 30kph average speed, 67kph max speed (on the road into Windsor - it's downhill and I was pushing hard !).....I was quite tired at the end of it all ! After 'working' so hard I decided to go out for a lunchtime panini - it had scrambled egg, bacon, sausage, and ketchup in it and was a taste sensation! ....but I cried going there in the car and over lunch too as I keep reliving parts of life's recent journey ;-(

In a few weeks time I'm planning (weather permitting) to cycle around the Isle of Wight with Sean and James - will look forward to that but the boys are going to struggle keeping up with me ;-)

In my bible reading notes today I read (based on Jer 32:17)...."Nothing is too hard for the God who created the heavens and the earth". I'm sure that includes healing a heart which is still very very bruised...

The good news is, tomorrow it's my birthday - 42 !

Take off your sandals.....

Am sitting in the garden at the start of a new day reflecting on the events of the last two... The weekend I have been on was entitled "A Different Journey" and intended for young bereaved people who have lost their husband or wife. I arrived on Friday night with zero expectation after sorting out the children, the dog, the cats and the chickens......

There were about 20 or so people all united by one thing-grief. Each person with a different gut-wrenching story of a loved one who had died, some with young children, some with older children, some with none at all - but everyone laden by hurt and pain. Tissues were in ample supply as tears flowed, memories and emotional pain were discussed, unfulfilled dreams were mourned and much much more.
The thing that totally undid me more that anything was answering the question "What lives on in you that you received from your loved one?".....and I relived the days afresh back in 1992 when Karena introduced me to Jesus, and my life was to be forever transformed by Him. She's not here now but Jesus still is, and unmistakeably in the weekend through all the tears, through brokenness, I also had an overwhelming sense of the Comforter's presence and a sense that I was in so many ways '...standing on holy ground.'

Driving home at midnight last night I listened (very loudly) to my latest favourite song, this one is by Third Day - check it out here
So it's off to the sea for a long swim now....no idea why really.....

Father's Day +

What a fabulous day....children brought me a cup of tea in bed so I watched the highlights of yesterday's football whilst supping a brew in bed ! It doesn't get much better ;-)

Then we had church which is always full of life as you get re-focussed afresh on what life is really all about...then church bbq, footy match against the youngsters, and tea with family. Feel pleasantly tired tonight ;-)

So the result of the image poll was quite convincing - of the 33votes cast, over half seem to think that I should stay free of facial hair and wigs. So this week I have grown a beard ;-)

And so to the week ahead....
On Friday I am off to "A Different Journey" weekend organised by "Care For The Family" for those who have been bereaved early in life. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not really....but will take my bike just in case I need to get some space!!
This last week I have been more tearful again...so no idea how the weekend thing will be. I guess it can only help...
Unfortunately though (being an airhead like I am)...I have actually double booked myself for Sunday - I have also booked myself into the Bournemouth pier-to-pier sea swim in aid of the British Heart Foundation - just decided to do it for a larf really (is it fun????)....so I'll be swimming with about 1000 other people for 1.4miles on Sunday whilst being bashed by waves ;-) I can hardly wait !! Children will be watching from the beach at their mad father.
If you fancy sponsoring me, please click here.....(and thank you !)
Training in the lake has been good though so I am as ready as I am likely to be. Bring it on....

A new image.....

The question is - what do you think of the new image - it's still in development at the moment and I'd appreciate your preferred option by voting (it's your democratic right) - please vote using the buttons on the right hand side - you can vote for more than one.....
If you look really carefully you might even notice that in one of the photos I'm actually wearing a wig.....

Photo 1-Bearded wonder

Photo 2 - Goatie

Photo 3 - Fumanchu

Photo 4 - Largey

Photo 5 - Shorty

Photo 6 -It's just not nice

Photo 7 - Smoothie

Photo 8 - Something new

Would you buy a used car from this man ?

Ambushed........

I've been ambushed on a number of levels this weekend.....

It started when daughter #1 had her birthday sleepover - 8 giggling teenage girls from early Saturday morning for a mad day of adventure, food and party stuff and then all eventually sleeping in one room (sleeping in the loosest sense of the term!). I was glad when Sunday arrived as the ambush was then over !

A bit less than 14 years ago I was ambushed when I heard a lady called Rachel Hickson preaching - it was particularly memorable for 2 reasons - firstly my (now) 14 year old daughter was a babe-in-arms and she was sick down Rachel's skirt just before she got up to speak....she was undaunted of course and preached a fabulous message which at the time totally undid me - she spoke on the blood covenant of God - with Jesus exchanging his garments of righteousness with my garments of sin... I remember it well because it was another one of those ambush moments when it felt like God pulled the rug from under my feet as I understood afresh the magnitude of Jesus' sacrifice for me, and the wonder of the grace that I now live in. I haven't heard Rachel preach in many years but hearing that she was at the Kerith Centre in Bracknell yesterday I made my way there in the evening to 'put myself in the way of God'....

.....and was ambushed again....not so much by the particular message (which was good nonetheless) but simply by the presence of God in the place. On responding to the appeal at the end some dear friends prayed for me and spoke bible truth into me afresh and the tears flowed again at some pace....I just miss Karena so much! Eventually I made it home after feeling that I'd done 3 rounds with Mike Tyson.....

but lingering in my heart today are the scriptures....

(Phil 1:6)...Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus...and...

(Jer 29:11) "For I know the plans I have for You," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

So tonight it's birthday tea which is prawn cocktail, Babotie (a South African dish) and then acres of chocolatey stuff ;-)

Moving on....

The good news is that my Triathlon on Monday was fabulous - the alarm clock spluttered into life at 5.10am - and I got to the registration point in Hampton Court at 6:30am along with another lunatic triathlete friend....

After a long wait for my start, I set off on the swim which was fairly average, then did the bike leg in a really fast time and the run was also pretty good too (for me!) meaning I got over the line with a new PB of 1:09:05, ranked 43/420. Felt great to get a top 50 spot, and felt absolutely magnificent to beat my previous best time over the distances....

At the end, over a bacon butty, my friend said to me that Karena would have wanted us to move on and have some fun as a family. It's fairly cliche I guess but as I thought about it over the following hours I reckon he was, of course, correct...so that's what I plan to do - to be purposeful about having some times of fun and laughter together - needless to say a visit to Shakeaways for ridiculously sweet toblerone/creme-egg/curly wurly flavoured milkshakes with flakes on top featured pretty highly on the children's list of things to enjoy ! Of course we will still have lots of tears at different times but.....for tomorrow at least we are off to the seaside for some splashing, sandcastles and of course....Beach Olympics.....

Stuff I'm grateful for today :

• Shakeaways
• Half term holiday fun with the children
• Chicken No.3 has at last started laying eggs ;-)