Craig Mackay's Blog

A walk in the park...

2012-01-30T17:41:00.000Z

Yesterday evening I went for a stroll with our dog, Sam.…the poor animal had been stuck inside for more than normal in the day as we'd been out to church and also to the cinema in the afternoon to watch Warhorse (quite traumatic but very good !!)….so Sam really needed to stretch his paws (and he get's very excited at the prospect of a walk!)…it was about 7pm, very dark, very cold, and very peaceful outside. It was a beautiful winter's evening.

One of my lovely daughters decided at the last minute to come with me...so we walked down towards the park wrapped up warm in coats and scarves. We talked through some things. We held hands.
It was one of those unplanned 'special times' that come when you least expect them. We did a normal circuit to the park and came home talking all the way. As we arrived back on the drive there came another big question...so we turned tail (literally for Sam!) and went for another circuit and talked some more. Sam was very confused!

Topics of conversation for our walk were (in no particular order!) :-
- Painful memories
- Emotions
- Death, Jesus, resurrection, heaven
- Forgiveneness
- Trust

Nobody really wants to be in the club that I'm in coaching my children through (just about) the most horrendous journey thinkable...I haven't done it before and am a bit of a rookie!
It is good though (but difficult) to talk about pain and to acknowledge the past; it's also good to talk about those we love who are not with us.
For Ellie and I, it's a privilege to lead our children through this season of their lives with all of it's complexities, pain and emotional sensitivities. It's also our delight (but very tiring!) to parent five children together…at different times and in different ways, they all inspire us, provoke us, make us laugh, make us cry, and bring great joy to our hearts.

Today Ellie will be walking the dog :-)

When you say nothing at all....

2012-01-23T20:40:00.001Z

I will let this speak for itself.

Click here and press play....

I'm very pleased to call these dear people family.

The Father's Song....

2012-01-19T22:51:00.000Z

Today we have at last exchanged contracts on Ellie's house.....hooray !!
A week ago it looked like it was all going to fall through....and it appeared that nothing short of a miracle would make any difference (it's a long story!)
However, the good news is that we know a Miracle Maker and we really didn't need to worry about it at all...it was all in His hands.

The sale completion date (proposed by Buyer) is 10th February...for people familiar with Ellie's journey, you will recognise that date as being the 12th anniversary of her saddest ever day. So on that day we will have some tears no doubt, and we will also look forward to the next phase of our lives together with our five children...and I think unmistakably in the background we will hear the song of our Father in heaven singing over us.

This Sunday we're going out to dinner to celebrate the house sale and, amongst other things, we will talk about our God who never leaves us nor forsakes us despite whatever life throws at us.

If you listen carefully and open your heart, you'll probably be able to hear him singing over you too.....and if you still don't think you can, then perhaps you will get the idea by clicking here. He really is there you know !

Just a piece of paper...?

2012-01-16T11:31:00.003Z

On Friday we had an appointment at the Law Courts....as a consequence everything changed....and yet nothing really changed.
We both signed five pieces of paper in the presence of a Court official and when we walked out we had both become the legal parents to five children.

For us, Friday was simply stamping the paperwork on a commitment we both made to our children as a part of our wedding day vows...it still felt very significant though !

'Letter from America'...

2012-01-11T13:07:00.015Z

My friend Dave lives in the USA, is a father of five, a Christian, a great friend who I worked with for many years and an all round fabulous chap!!
This is an extract from an email I received from him yesterday...

"Craig,
Your last e-mail mentioned how difficult it is for people to talk about bereavement and loss and I must admit that I find it difficult too. There have been many times where I’ve read your blog and been moved by the rawness of emotion and wanted to say something but, because what I wanted to say always seemed so pathetic, I didn’t – please forgive me. Even now I am at a bit of a loss to know what to say. I think it’s a bloke thing: We always want to fix things, or give a suggestion to make things better but, faced with something that can’t be fixed they fold like a cheap card table (as by boss is in the habit of saying) or, just avoid the subject altogether (as you’ve already encountered). There is nothing that I can say that others haven’t already said but, I do want you to know that I am for you and always here if you need to write a note to work out any kind of frustration (or for any other reason)...."

I love him to bits...for his honesty and openness and many other reasons!

I think a lot of people who know our history actually don't know what to say to us, or maybe what not to say to us. We understand that. Truth is that our emotions can't be 'fixed' or made any easier with simple words...it's just not that easy which is probably why we can all find it a bit difficult at times. It's probably not helped by the fact that Ellie and I talk about death and about Ben and Karena and our journeys as part of our every day normal conversation (I don't think you can have gone through what we have done without talking about it as a formative part of your life....anything else would feel like we're somehow denying the people whom we loved so dearly or denying what has happened).....and contrary to what many people say,time really doesn't heal (it does help with acceptance tho)...so what's the solution??

To be honest we have no idea (!) BUT.....the good news is that we always welcome simple things like just saying that you care, writing an encouraging note, a hand of support upon the shoulder, an invite for coffee, or just a simple warm smile that can make all the difference....It's also ok to admit you don't know what to say, because it's about being there as a friend that counts - not any clever words.

Bear meets Ros...

2012-01-07T11:46:00.009Z

One of my heroes is Bear Grylls. He's just so cool....ex-SAS, a survivalist extraordinaire....a proper man's man and a Christian to boot. I like to think that we're similar in many ways, but I fear I may be deceiving myself !!
This week he said the following via twitter ....

"Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal"

Enjoying life is a concept I have struggled with over the last few years.....it's all seemed so jolly hard, so difficult, so fraught with pain and heartache.
Consequently I re-tweeted Bear's comment, but added my own sad slant as follows....

"Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal (@BearGrylls). Love it! BUT for my kids who've had a parent die this is easier to say than do"

Not all that profound I know......BUT then my dear friend, Ros, saw my comment and her reply lifted my heart and refocussed me...she said :-

"I'm a child with both parents who've died - it works out ok in the end. Immanuel (Jesus) came that we can live life to the full :-) "

Kinda says it all really !

If you nothing better to do, you can follow me on twitter direct (@craigtwittwit) or via the blog over here -->

2012....

2012-01-01T08:51:00.004Z

Yesterday we had a family trip to the cinema, Dominoes Pizza and then did silly games before having the midnight chimes (at 10:30pm!!!)
Good to make some new family memories and traditions...! Today we're off for a family walk and picnic with good friends....

On my mind all day yesterday, and today as I wake, is the following scripture.

Isaiah 43:16,18-19 - This is what the LORD says — he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters,“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland".

At the start of this new year, I'm believing this for us all as a family.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!

Looking in the right direction...

2011-12-29T11:39:00.005Z

This photo was taken a couple of days ago...trying to get them all looking in the same direction for a photo is almost impossible!!!

My verse-of-the-day received today is below. I last read this to the children on 20th Dec 2009 in the hospice when I told them the worst news...we'd agonised for several days over when to tell them. Karena was astounding...we prayed together and all cried together....there's been an awful lot of tears since that day. Our gaze then was to the one who has conquered death and in whose presence Karena now stays. Just over 2 years later, and we're all still gazing at the saviour....he is our focus in everything that we are about....and only He makes any sense of it all.

John 14:1
[Jesus Comforts His Disciples] “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Christmas here we come...

2011-12-23T18:01:00.006Z

Packing up the car/trailer for the christmas journey was interesting....ever so slightly squashed we were.....

More importantly tho is this...

Isaiah 9:6

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Our new house....

2011-12-22T19:15:00.003Z

A little family Christmas activity....what fun!! It's good making new memories together....

The reason.....

2011-12-18T14:29:00.006Z

If you haven't seen the Social Networking Christmas (click here !) then you MUST take a look!! Saw it last year and thought it was fab then.....forgot all about it until I saw it afresh this morning....it's really very good!!

Jesus rules and reigns, He rose from the grave, He is the saviour, the counsellor, the comforter, He is the rock, the fortress, He is our strength and our song and of course, He is the reason for the season....
Must dash - we have a mountain of presents to wrap !

Christmas Dinner !

2011-12-16T20:40:00.003Z

For Christmas Dinner this year we have :-

Traditional Turkey
Pigs in blankets
Carrots...

Christmas Pudding

Holding hands...

2011-12-11T09:29:00.005Z

This morning, like many other mornings, I awoke holding Ellie's hand. We often go to sleep at night holding each others hand....we seem to instinctively reach for each other as we drift off to sleep...partly we still don't believe that we really have one another (that we are in fact married!!)...partly it's because we've both held onto the hand of somebody we've deeply loved, and it's all been taken away. So we know that we need to make the most of our opportunities and cherish the moments that we have. One day it will all change again - it's very very real to us both.

Holding onto the hand of the one you love is so special....it speaks of companionship, friendship, confidence, security, trust, intimacy.....

Thankfully there is ONE who holds onto our hand through every stage of life, every day, every moment...HIS hand will never be taken away.

Isaiah 41:13 - For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Psalm 73:23 - Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand

The Quibbler !

2011-12-02T22:10:00.005Z

So, we were volunteered for an article in the Christmas edition of "Woman" magazine...they wanted to interview a new step family heading into their first Christmas together, and Care for the Family Charity suggested us.

Apart from a couple of Rita Skeeter specials, the article reads generally ok....
Seems a bit strange though to be in a magazine as a new step family heading to Christmas - neither of us had ever expected to be here, and we don't really know what we're doing !!

The good news and the bad news....

2011-11-26T12:46:00.004Z

The good news is that (amazingly) I have managed to get an entry into the Olympic Park run on 31 March next year...it's just 5 miles but finishes in the Olympic stadium....the first person across the line on the day, as I understand it, will be the first person ever to make it across the line at the stadium at a proper event! So I will be running alongside 4999 other lucky ballot winners....the bad news is that it's the day before the Reading Half Marathon which I also have a confirmed entry for (doh !)

Let's face it....I don't have a hope in heaven of winning but I might just step up the training a little bit in preparation !!

Other good news is that the house selling plans all seem to be going smoothly....draft contracts have been sent, survey has been completed....so today we're over to New Malden to do some packing !!

Last night....

2011-11-24T22:38:00.003Z

Ellie and I went out last night to the Hexagon Theatre in Reading to listen to Rob Parsons from Care for the Family. They are the organisation that ran the bereavement course where we first met. He's such an inspirational speaker, has some brilliant insights into parenting and families and what's really important....as expected he gave us lots of food for thought.

At the end of the evening he asked us to all write the names of children that are important in our lives onto a paper cut-out of a hand...there were only 4 pre-printed lines available which made us both chuckle (we added an extra one !!).
On the bottom of the paper cut out are the words from Isaiah 49:16 :
"I have engraved you on the palms of my hands".

Rob prayed for our children. I cried. Ellie cried too. We held onto each other !

Fabulous evening....boy, do we know how to have a good time??!! :-)

One down, one to go....

2011-11-19T08:35:00.001Z

Sold subject to contract.....hooray !
Have told purchasers that we want to exchange and complete in 6 weeks. Hopeful I know but there's no chain so we'll see.

Good news !

Happy Birthday...

2011-11-15T14:13:00.006Z

Today would have been Karena's 50th birthday.

This picture was on a birthday card given to Karena from a dear friend 2 years ago...on the back it says, "Wait in hope for the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You (Psalm 33)"

True then...true now.

Did some games with the children tonight before bedtime...it was good fun!

Sunday...

2011-11-13T19:49:00.002Z

Fab day....church was fantastic....Jesus really is alive and real and it's very good good news indeed!!
This evening we did family games and had lots of laughter...Boggle was probably the highlight...most of the words the girls came up with we'd never heard of !!
Laughter-what great therapy !!

Another day in the office....

2011-11-08T21:06:00.003Z

Aaaah…where to start…?? Monday was not a good day.
If only I could explain in words the gut-wrenching magnitude of the emotional angst that I sometimes feel. This time it was all set off by a very dear family member who was struggling with the journey that we are all on….and so, off the precipice I dropped too…..and boy did I drop !!

Sometimes I genuinly wonder whether I am going to end up in a mad house….yesterday tho I ended up in tears in front of my boss at work….he thought he'd done something to upset me (he hadn't)….as a temporary Contractor, crying in front of your boss probably isn't the best way to make them want to keep you…..but that's neither here nor there really I suppose….
Certainly the idea of some drugs to help the mood swings seems like quite a possibility….hmmmm

Today I awoke with (some of) the words of John Newton's classic ringing in my ears……

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found
Was blind but now I see.

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
And Grace will lead me home.

When we've been there 10,000 years,
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first began…..

I'm so glad that Jesus isn't gonna let go of me, no matter what…cuz when I'm dangling on the edge of the precipice it's only Him that really keeps me from falling even tho it's Ellie's arms that hold me tight….
In truth, I'm really looking forward to the day of no more pain, no more sorrow, and no more tears….until then tho I'll just keep riding my bicycle…so I'm gonna buy a brand new one….and will call it therapy :-)

Vows....

2011-11-01T22:16:00.004Z

We went to a fabulous wedding this weekend in Cheltenham....I could barely hold it together during the service, as we declared the greatness of God in song and some bible truths about that great day when we will meet Him face-to-face....I had that bubbling sense of "I'm really gonna lose it here...." as tears fell down my face.
Then there was the vows - "....until death us do part"....That part of the wedding service always used to feel so 'in the future'...nowadays it feels very much 'in your face.' They're not just words of course - vows are good and weighty. This vow to our children has been on Ellie's and my mind over the last several weeks - from our wedding day....

I, Craig/Ellie, thank God for [children's names]... I commit myself to their well being, and my love, time, energy and resources to nurturing, guiding and caring for our new family.

We're working very hard at this, and it's pretty exhausting for us both to be honest...there are piles of unopened mail, answserphone messages and lists of unfulfilled tasks - just because we haven't got around to them by the time the day is over with children in bed....but it's our commitment to bring up our 5 children together, giving of ourselves....until death us do part. If we do nothing else in this life but fulfil this vow to the best of our ability, then we will be happy with that, and we will have served our children well I think.

Sam's story...

2011-10-17T21:17:00.012+01:00

Hello I'm Sam....in case you haven't met me before, here's a picture of me (I was looking in the bin for something)....

Everything has changed for me recently.

I've been doing some things that I never used to do and I don't really know why.....I've been growling at children sometimes and I've even been off my food (for whole minutes sometimes!). I never used to be like that, but it's just that everything is so loud in the house these days (particularly at meal times) and I just feel so tense. My Alpha Male isn't very happy with me about my growling (he tells me off and is teaching everybody else to tell me off too), but my owners were both a bit worried that something might be really wrong with me (particularly after all the other pets died) so they took me to the vet to check me out. The vet took some blood out of my leg (it hurt a bit) and gave me a nice blue bandage, and checked me all over. The vet told us that eveything was ok with my body but I might need to go to a dog behavioural specialist. Dad said, "A what ?", and told me that I needed to "Shape up or ship out." He doesn't understand me. The vet then gave us some medicine for special dogs like me who suffer from stress....I think they're called anti-depressants. They do make me feel much more calm but they're running out and Dad said that he's not buying any more because they cost £50 (I think he wants to try them himself though).

I'm trying not to growl as much but it's very difficult because I don't think the house is going to get any quieter. The only person who's quieter than he used to be is Dad....he seems much more subdued these days (I wish I was too). It's much better in the day time though when it's just me and Ellie - it's quiet then and I take her for a walk and we have a lot of fun together. She always gives me a carrot when I bring her home - that's the best bit !

Dad still does silly things with me sometimes....

grrrrrrr

The curious incident of the fox in the night-time.....

2011-10-12T21:10:00.008+01:00

After the previous night's chicken murder, I decided to be a little more careful with our remaining chicken just in case the fox should return. As the chicken run area is covered I don't normally shut the little gate of the chicken coup but last night I decided to go for a 'belt and braces' approach and, on returning from cycling club at 9pm, I shut the little gate as our remaining poultry had already gone in to roost.....

It was a fairly late night and at about 12.15am Ellie and I decided we really needed to turn in for the night....when we got to the bathroom we picked up our toothbrushes, and were suddenly aware of a very loud scratching noise coming through the upstairs window from the garden area....

"Ahha", we thought, "Foxy Loxy has returned - You won't get in this time !!!"

I rushed for a torch and we watched carefully through the bathroom window for about 10 minutes scanning the area by torchlight...the scratching continued periodically but there was no sign of any assailant on the front/side of the coup....we needed to venture out into the garden....

...so very silently we snuck out of the back door with the torch light now quenched and on tip toes holding our toothbrushes as weapons dressed in our night attire....it was now 12.30am...

When we got to the back end of the garden I quickly put on the torch and aimed it at the back of the coup....but still there was no sign of any attacker and the scratching noise seemed to have stopped....so cautiously we approached the back door of the coup. Thinking the poor remaining chicken would be scared witless by now, we thought it best to check on the condition of our remaining bird....so carefully opened the back door of the hutch and shined the light inside....

This is what we saw by torchlight inside the coup:-

You can probably guess on the condition of dear Betty who was also inside the coup (I thought it best to photoshop her carcass out of the picture!)

I think when I'd shut the coup gate earlier to protect our remaining bird, I'd inadvertantly shut the fox inside !! He'd dug under the fence for access. Oooops!!

So another pet bites the dust......that's 6 down, 3 to go.

Quite bizarre that one !!

Hope to have made you smile!!

Background music....

2011-10-11T22:26:00.002+01:00

One of the children asked me this week,
"Do you ever go for a day without thinking about mum?"

My response was, "I don't ever go for an hour, or even a minute without thinking about your mum".....

When I chatted to Ellie about it later, she described it as being like 'Background music'....always there - playing away through every event and every decision and every moment of the day - and also during dreams in her case :-(

Sometimes the background music becomes much louder but its dirge never stops playing....droning on and on - I wish I could turn it off but alas, I can't.

This week has been particularly hard as the background music has become much louder for each of the children at different times.

Can somebody turn the volume down please?

On the positive side ....one more pet has kicked the bucket this week (chicken hijacked by a fox last night) bringing the total number of deceased animals over the last few months to five. If we carry on at this rate, not only will we be without eggs, but there'll be no more space to bury them all in the garden :-)

Dear Brian....

2011-09-30T21:58:00.006+01:00

Brian is the person who lives in my head...(a very cunning anagram I don't think!!?!)
For some time now I have been wanting to write to him....so here goes...

Dear Brian,

I know that you're an essential part of who I am....inseparable in fact...but I have some major concerns that I really need your help with for the future. Please review the following and action where/as appropriate :-

Firstly, I would really appreciate you NOT continuously bringing to my mind the images that you send round and round in my head of my children watching their mum die....you do it so often, it's so utterly draining to me and it appears that you have no control over how often, when and where you will torment me with the extremes of emotion that go with it. It makes me want to curl up into a ball. I know I don't cry as much as I used to but I can really do without thinking through those days over and over and over again. If you can delete those images from memory, please do so without delay, but I think they're embedded too deep and aren't able to be deleted - so please endevour to access them much less frequently.

Secondly, please try to work on your memory - you used to have good recall of all sorts of things but nowadays you can hardly remember what you have said or done just five minutes ago. It's annoying and sometimes embarrassing. Sometimes it feels like I'm going mad. If you can work on the first item above, perhaps it will help with this ?

Thirdly, each time I speak to somebody (even long time friends), please stop me thinking that they have no idea what burdens I am carrying. Of course people don't really understand but so many are sympathetic which is good. Unless they've been in the same place as me, why would they understand the aching pain that lies beneath? So please review your thought patterns on that one.

Fourthly, please just 'switch off' from time to time - it's so much less tiring - you will be aware of the low Brian activity levels that exist when I'm on my bike coming down the long downhill of the A4074 at high speed! Those kind of activity levels more often would be much more relaxing as I can't spend my whole life on my bike!

Finally, please keep remembering The Healer, The Comforter - The Holy Spirit...it's what all those Sermons have always been about - He is here and never leaves us. You really need to talk to Him more often and hand stuff over to Him; only He will be able to take the torment away - and it's a daily, hourly, moment-by-moment thing. You know that's true in theory - so please put it into practice.

Thanks ever so much for your time. I really look forward to working with you on all of this.
Sincerely yours,
Craig

PS: I may write to you again soon....

Reminiscing....

2011-09-21T21:52:00.003+01:00

Ellie and I were talking this morning about holidays we have had....places we have seen, and fun things we've done with our children......the odd thing is (aside from this last year) we don't share any common memories.....and all our reminiscing is soured by the sadness of people who are no longer with us. Things that used to be fun to think back to are now tinged with aching pain, so mentally the best thing to do seems to be to try not to think back to those memories too much or too often. Maybe that's not the best way to handle it...people who are further down this path than I might say that it's good to look back and just smile and remember....but for me at least, for the time being, I am going to keep trying to look forward rather than spending lots of time looking back with sadness.

Grief is an awful thing - it wants to rob you of joy in every circumstance : past, present and future.

So for now at least, Ellie and I are going to work at creating some new good memories for our children....tonight whilst I was out at swimming club, Ellie and the girls got all snuggled up in duvets with copious amounts of chocolate and watched The Sound of Music....(the boys were nowhere to be seen !!!) ...a good memory for the girls at least !! Perhaps they'll reminise about it in years to come !

Race Day...

2011-09-11T15:13:00.004+01:00

Today was my first triathlon of the season....just in time for the season to finish !
The biggest battle I have on race day is all in my head...my big struggle being the fear of dying mid-race (basically!)...and thus the fear of my children losing 2 parents before adulthood....but it's all in my mind of course as my days are numbered in God's plan before any of them ever happened (Ps 139:16)

Anyway....I made it to the end (alive !)
Distances were 1500m swim, 45km bike and 10km run (although I'm sure the run was longer!)
My great friend Sean and I did it together. Apart from my pre-race puncture which was rather annoying to have to sort out, it all went ok. The swim was good - in a fairly warm (not too weedy) lake (~17C) and the sun was shining. My time was fairly unremarkable but I didn't get swum over too many times in the mass start (it's not too pleasant when that happens!!)
The bike leg was enjoyable in a knackering kind of way - we kept up a fairly consistent good pace (Sean pacing us up the hills cuz he's better at hills than me, and I paced the biggest portion of the rest)....but I pretty much burned myself up on the bike so by the time the run started I was really quite done-in...so Sean (bless 'im) was having to slow down for me!! So I was really glad when we eventually got over the finish line. I don't actually know our time (not sure I want to check !) but it was definitely a bit slower than last year!!
What a fab day!
What a fab friend!
Feeling slightly tired now...ZzzzZZzzzzzz zzzzzz

"Special Friday"...

2011-09-09T23:19:00.005+01:00

Today I have completed my first working Friday of the year! Since going back to work in February, I've been doing a 4 short working day week so that I could be available for the children/school run etc....but I have been working towards going full-time since the wedding...and now that school holidays are over, it has happened!
For quite a long time now, Ellie and I have referred to Friday as "Special Friday" because it has been a day when (in term time) we could spend lots of quality time just being together in the daytime uninterrupted. Unfortunatley "Special Friday" will not now be the norm each week (unless I take a day off work).

I've also been away overnight on a work trip this week - it felt uncomfortably strange being away from home for the first time in over a year (since the Bereavement course in June last year) and dear Ellie had to do everything without help which probably explains why she's fast asleep on the sofa as I write!!

So...it's been a week of new things, with children also back at school.

We're still working hard at trying to do 'normal' family...but as that's not really ever going to happen we'll just remain grateful for the many unique blessings that we do have.
I read PS 127 recently...verses 4-5 say, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them..."

I reckon that makes me pretty blessed cuz the quiver is definitely full (and so is the house!) - which means today must still be Special Friday after all !

Back to school...

2011-09-05T22:13:00.006+01:00

A few summer photos....

We've had some laughs and numerous tears....but I think we're all glad that the summer holidays are over (except for the children, that is !!)...back to school at last :-)

As of tomorrow, all children are now at secondary school (how scarey is that ?!!)

Charting progress.....

2011-08-19T10:05:00.006+01:00

I've had a bit of blog inspiration failure recently....I guess I don't want to keep banging the same drum over and over but that's just kinda how it is really !
There are days when the weight of what the children and I went through, and the weight of what I feel I carry for my children day-in, day-out, threatens to totally engulf me....I end up just feeling emotionally knackered !....it's not totally mind consuming all the time, of course, but it's always there pressing on you, ready to overwhelm at a moment's notice.
It's pretty rubbish really !!
I never really understood the incessant nature of all of this when I started on this part of the journey in February last year. I (foolishly probably) assumed that you grieve intensely and then gradually get better...it hasn't really been like that....throughout last year I felt like I got more and more drained as months went on.
Many times I've thought about trying to graph the journey in terms of emotional well-being......so I've tried it below!! It's not too scientific (and let's not worry too much about the measurement units!), but is a measure of how the last 18 months+ or so has been for me !
I'm such an engineer sometimes !
Ironically, trying to graph the journey would have made Karena really laugh and then relentlessly tease me (she'd probably have called it my "Depression Chart" and then would have laughed her head off!) :-)
The good news is that the graph is now generally up and to the right !!
Ellie, of course, understands the journey, and has been instrumental in helping me deal with the pain, and bringing me out of the dip and upwards....
Anyway - here it is.....

Note 1 : Lows at mine and children's birthdays and wedding anniversary

Note 2 : I had two panic attacks (or anxiety attacks, or something like that!) - one in October last year in the middle of the night, and the other one on Christmas day ! Hadn't blogged on this before probably because I just felt too embarassed to do so !!

Yesterday I read in the bible :-

Proverbs 12:25 "An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up"
Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache and joy may end in grief."

Honeymoon #2 (Joy and Pain)

2011-08-05T17:01:00.006+01:00

We're just back from 4 days in Venice - it was honeymoon part 2 !!

We had 3 children at Church/Guide camps this week and grandparents/dear friends looked after the remaining 2, so we could get away !

It was very warm and great to be able to 'finish' our honeymoon as we only managed 2 days first time around because we needed to get back for the children/schools!

On both honeymoons(!), we've had great times together but also several times of sadness and tears as we've reflected and talked through our journeys; there's lots of pain for us both not far from the surface....

Yesterday on our final day as we read the bible together, we read this :

Proverbs 4:25

"Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil"

To allow past (and current) hurt to shape the present and the future without totally overwhelming it, seems to be the thing.....so we are resolving to (each day) work hard at fixing our gaze ahead and not continuously staring into the pain that can so often threaten to totally overwhelm one or other (or both) of us. Today is the anniversary of Ellie and Ben's wedding....

Summer holidays.....

2011-07-31T16:55:00.001+01:00

Center Parcs - how much fun was that ?!!

Just a trophy....

2011-07-22T08:46:00.005+01:00

Last year I gave a trophy to Aldryngton School - Karena worked there as a Teaching Assistant and my children have all been through the school (Last one finishes year 6 today !)

The Trophy is called the...

"Karena Mackay Memorial Trophy for Consistent Care and Positive Contribution to Lower School"

(quite a mouthful !)

The trophy is awarded to the child who, in the opinion of the teachers, exhibits exemplary character (kindness, helpfulness, serving others, gentleness, politeness, perseverance etc) rather than for academic achievement.

So as I drove to school on Monday I felt one of those overwhelming senses of "I'm not going to be able to hold this together....."

Thankfully, when it came to the presentation of the award in the whole school assembly, the Head Teacher did all the talking so all I had to do was smile and do the presentation itself (if only people knew what was going through my mind behind the external grin).

George was a very appropriate winner....I think Karena would have been pleased.

Photo of the lad is available in the newsletter here

Something to inspire...

2011-07-17T13:38:00.004+01:00

Got sent this by email this week and it rather inspired me so here it is....

On Sept 18 2007, computer science professor Randy Pausch stepped in front of an audience of 400 people to deliver a last lecture called "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams". With slides of his CT scans beaming out to the audience about the cancer that is devouring his pancreas and that will claim his life in a matter of months. On stage that day, he was youthful, energetic, handsome, often cheerfully, darkly funny. He seemed invincible. But that was a brief moment, as he himself acknowledged.
Sadly Randy lost his battle to pancreatic cancer on July 25th 2008 but his legacy continues to inspire...

In a letter to his wife and children he wrote this beautiful guide to a better life for his wife and children to follow ...may you be blessed by his insight....

Points on how to improve your life
Personality

1. Don't compare your life to others; you have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control; instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
3. Don't overdo it; keep within your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time; you already have all that you need
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past-that will ruin your present happiness
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others
10. Make peace with your past so that it won't spoil the present.
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
12. Realise that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime
13. Smile and laugh more.
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community

15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others.
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least 3 people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch

Life

22. Put God first in everything and anything that you think, say or do
23. God heals everything (this doesn't mean physical healing of everything as we well know!!)
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you wake alive in the morning, thank God for it
30. If you know God, you will always be happy. So be happy (Not sure I actually agree with this one!)

Surrender....

2011-07-09T10:11:00.003+01:00

At the time of writing....

My wife is making bread (domestic goddess!)

My daughters are horse riding and watching tv

My step daughter is doing homework

My son is playing badminton

My step son is playing Call of Duty

My legs hurt after a long cycle ride early this morning (There's now a vacancy in the Sky team in Le Tour de France!)

We're listening to "Surrender"

Tomorrow would have been my 18th wedding anniversary.

This week we've smashed 5 glasses. Quite impressive !

Normal life.......

Wedding List...

2011-07-03T19:04:00.002+01:00

The great news is that our alternative wedding list for Tearfund raised £785 through many generous gifts.......Thank you so very much !!
A lot of people (that you and I will never meet) will benefit !!

How fab !
x

The magnificent seven.....

2011-06-30T22:07:00.004+01:00

Gosh, the house is full !!...and so the "new normal" commences....

Dinner time is like a feeding frenzy at the zoo....

The shopping bill is somewhat larger than previously....

The sleeping arrangements are most interesting....including a double mattress on the floor in the lounge (Really need to sell some houses.....!)

E's two children are settling in very well to their new school which is just fab and a great answer to prayer....

There's washing and ironing, school bags and school books everywhere you look....

We now have an many types of pet as we have children in the house !

Slowly but surely we are establishing our identity as a single uniquely combined family unit....

Ellie's fast asleep on the sofa - I think she's tired out ! (Bless !!)
zzzZZZzzz

Mr & Mrs

2011-06-22T10:00:00.006+01:00

Please can you send us your photos of the day ?!!!

Lots of love

Mr and Mrs Mackay :-)

A couple of photos...

2011-06-21T20:47:00.006+01:00

Not got any photos of our wedding day yet...but I do have these.....

Lists....

2011-06-16T17:10:00.004+01:00

We have lists of things to do on pieces of paper everywhere.....and Ellie has officially become "List Queen" (I'm really no match!).... can't quite believe Saturday is ever going to happen but I guess time will inexorably march us to the day!

In my house we now have glasses and cups and decor and bunting and wine and soft drinks and napkins and tissues and soap and a wedding dress (I've still not seen it !) and bridesmaid's dresses and bridesmaids shoes (by the truckload), and necklaces, and half-packed bags and and and .....

Had a phone call from the Estate Agent today asking if they can do a viewing on Saturday....

Think we're gonna be ready for a holiday when this is all over..... the good news is that one of the items that has a big tick next to it is "Honeymoon" - 2 days away-together, alone.....hooray !!

We're both really looking forward to being married, can't quite believe it's true, but know that it's good.....we're also both panicking slightly (quite a lot sometimes!) but also deep down we are both totally at peace about the day and the future...

Phil4:7

"And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus"

Roll on Saturday.... !

Gosh, is that the time ?!

2011-06-12T22:07:00.005+01:00

We arose early this morning to rush over to New Malden to see the Webster's prayed out of their home church.....this is their last official Sunday at Christchurch, New Malden. It was fabulous to be there !!

The rest of the day was unexpectedly relaxing....very nice as normally it's pretty manic when we're all together. It's the last weekend we will have as independent families...next weekend we are merged together as a new (fairly unique!) family unit....that's always assuming that time doesn't stop between now and next weekend. It really feels like it's going to!! - neither Ellie nor I can quite get our heads around it !!

If you're coming to the wedding, please remember, our preference is for no wedding presents, but any voluntary donations to our preferred charity would be very gratefully received! Click here if you'd like to take part in our alternative wedding gift list !

On the day there will be 200+ people and there are approximately 110 seats - only slightly over-subscribed ! So please enjoy from a standing position and let somebody older than you have your seat if you're fortunate enough to be youngish and healthy !!!

Can't wait for the day - see you there !

Birthday girls....

2011-06-10T22:12:00.008+01:00

We had two birthdays this week - I wonder if you can guess who and how old they are (there might be a slight clue in each photo !) Baking isn't my strongest skill but I had a go with the one cake recipe that I do know (good ol' Tanya Ramsey !)....

Ellie and I keep playing the "This time next week..." game which is often followed by a sharp intake of breath !

Have a blessed weekend !! ....this time next week.....

A day of change ?

2011-06-06T21:41:00.004+01:00

I awoke this morning to the alarm clock and felt the usual, "Oh, it's Monday" feeling....eventually (with just too little time remaining to shower, prepare 3 packed lunches, sort children, feed dogs/cats/chickens and rush out the door) I decided to get up....the moment my feet hit the carpet though I had an intriguing thought which rang very clear in my mind - the thought was a simple one (I don't have any other types !)....."Today will be a day of change."

As Christians many of us are aware that God can speak to us in the "still small voice"....and (if you're anything like me) when you do have those impressions/words etc that spring into your mind, you wonder whether you heard it right, or whether you just made it all up......

You can decide.....here's a record of (some of) my/Ellie's text conversation today....

C to E - 8:42 At work. Another day. Today is going to be a day of change....

E to C - 8:55 A day of change? What kind of change?....

C to E - 8:58 A day of change - dunno - just think it is...might be totally wrong but it was my first though when I got out of bed!

E to C - 9:25 ....don't get excited, but I've had an offer on my house...but...
(the offer was for £61,000 less than the asking price - which is set realistically according to the EAs and has already been dropped twice).

E to C - 10:55 Had a really good Amy Carmichael passage ....today is about "not shrinking back" (Heb 10:38-39)....

.....later......

C to E - 16:30 Just heard from my EA. Mr Wotsit has given us an offer...don't get your hopes up...his "initial offer" is....
(£40,000 less than the asking price which has also been dropped twice and is also set realistically according to the EAs)

So we've got two offers for two houses on the same day - and we've rejected both - but these are the first offers we've had on our two houses since they went on the market months ago....truly bizarre that they happened on the same day....

The question is, Did I hear from God on a 'normal' Monday morning as my feet hit the carpet, and if so, what do we do next.....?

Tricky ! However I think Amy Carmichael has indeed pointed us in the right direction....

Heb 10:39
But we do not belong to those who shrink back.....but to those who have faith....

Appreciating your prayers - it would be really good to sell two houses and buy a bigger one that will fit everybody in ! 12 days to go until the big day....

The most stressful thing....

2011-06-01T20:58:00.006+01:00

Bet you've never heard of Holmes and Rahe !?

I hadn't heard of them until recently....they are two psychiatrists who developed a scale of 43 stressful life events which can contribute to illness. You can read all about it here. It's interesting reading!

Guess what's top of the list ?? Yes you've got it....

In 1st place is "Death of a Spouse" with 100 'life change units'
In 2nd place, is "Divorce" with 73 life change units
In 7th place is "Marriage" with 50 life change units.
In 43rd place is "Minor violation of the law" with 11 life change units (84mph in a 70mph limit....oooops!)

I miss Karena and of course never really stop thinking about her (how could I ?)...she's having a fabulous time with Jesus tho (of that I'm absolutely sure!!).... and at the same time I'm really looking forward to being married to the lovely Ellie......

2 weeks and 3 days to go until the big day ! Can't wait ! Am still wondering whether the day will ever actually arrive....but I'm trying not to get too stressed about it :-)

Brain Trauma !

2011-05-25T21:53:00.009+01:00

Catchy blog title huh ?
And how's about this for a catchy book title to go with it...?
Clearly the title of the book attracted me (can't think why!?)

I recently had a conversation with somebody from Care for the Family who's been there and done it; he told me of a training course he'd been on which described the effects of bereavement as being very similar to 'brain trauma'. Studies have shown the following effects (amongst others) :-
- diminished ability to self-regulate - stress, mood etc
- diminished or altered memory function, amnesia,
- loss of emotional well being,
- loss of capacity to experience joy in living,
- reduced motivation to be sociable

I've definitely experienced all of these in different measures at different times.....
To be honest, I've sometimes wondered if I'm totally losing the plot....Thankfully I have been significantly better of late. Being back at work has helped, seeing my children getting on with life has also helped, and talking through pain with Ellie over the last 11 months has massively helped too.

The dimished memory function tho - that's ongoing for sure - I wonder where I put the TV controller ?

The new plumbline.

2011-05-17T22:21:00.009+01:00

So what two things do I see ?

1. The woman who took the photo (I remember it like it was yesterday)
2. The gold wedding band on my finger; it's not been there for some time now.

It strikes me that I look at everyday events (and everday things like a simple photo in this instance!) in a totally different way than how I used to.

For me, everything is now measured against a different standard; a new plumbline - measured against the inevitability of death, the reality of death, and the certainty that one day, maybe soon (I really don't know when), I will stand before my maker face-to-face.
It's not morose - it's simple truth that is totally inescapable.

In bible words, "The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone" (Ps 103:15-16)

It's very humbling but really good to think on, as it makes me want to make the most of the rest of my life, however 'long' or short it is....

Quite simply that means following Jesus in the small things and in the big things...each and every day. The next big thing is marrying the delightful Ellie x

Hope you like the photo!

So, what do you see ?

2011-05-17T22:10:00.007+01:00

This is the photo on my mantle-piece, it was taken in the October half term of 2009.....I see two things every time I look at it......
What do you see when you look at it ?....I bet it's different to me !
My answer next time !

Blogs to come .....

The new plumbline

Facing my fears

The most stressful thing

Brain trauma

Bubbling away....

2011-05-09T19:54:00.011+01:00

.... just beneath the surface is....a gut-wrenching cry and emotional pain that is really difficult to explain/control!

I have to try hard not to dwell on the past (that too feels impossible sometimes!!) and you never really know when emotions are going to bubble all the way to the surface and totally erupt.

Little things can trigger that emotional bubbling feeling - a memory, a song, a smell, a garden flower, a word.....and when it does all bubble up, you've really just got to let it erupt (suppressing the emotions seems like a really good idea sometimes, but it doesn't actually help !)

So recently I've felt fairly 'ok' emotionally (I think!) and have been trying to look forwards and not look backwards too much....then Sunday came, and as I listened to just a few compassionate words I felt that sudden bubbling erupting sensation......

On a lighter note, the good news is....it's just 5 weeks and 5 days until the wedding !

For wedding info, click here......if you've not yet told us you're coming, please can you do so by 18 May so we can finalise puddings ! Thanks !

Dispelling the myths #2

2011-04-28T15:20:00.004+01:00

Loving and grieving.....

One of the weirdest parts of the journey for me in the last 8 months has been the side-by-side experiences of loving and grieving at the same time....

Initially, I felt a lot of confusion and no small amount of guilt as Ellie and I grew closer in our friendship and closer emotionally - through shared pain and shared experiences. Memorably I recall telling her some months ago that I felt like I was holding the wrong person's hands. In one way, of course, I was....and she was too - she should be holding Ben's hand and I should be holding Karena's hand - but of course that's just not the way that it is.

Elisabeth Elliott, who's husband Jim was murdered in 1956, has written several books. One of them was called Through Gates of Splendour (which is the title of my blog posting from 12 Feb 2010). In The Path of Loneliness (cheery title !) she also wrote that accepting what is offered helps you to come out of "the howling wilderness of misery to find peace".

So today it would have been Ben Webster's 40th birthday....so Ellie and I will love and grieve together....

Words... for every day

2011-04-24T18:38:00.006+01:00

Luke 24:5..."Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here, He HAS risen!"

Words to describe Easter day....and every other day :

Resurrection
Confidence
Hope
Salvation
Comfort
Finished
Triumph
Victory
Love

Rays of light...

2011-04-19T21:55:00.006+01:00

Perhaps I spend too much time thinking back to the past - ie being 'normal' ! ....Of course I still "crash and burn" sometimes over what's been taken away. I also often feel sad when I think about life's journey and, in particular, as I think about my children not having their mum with them anymore - it's pretty grim !

But through it all there is the unchanging gospel message which brings rays of light which pierce through the dark clouds - bringing hope, confidence and comfort ...

Ellie, who's passion for the gospel is "quietly determined yet relentless" has known through experience over years of grieving that there's just nothing else to cling onto when all else fails- nothing but the cross of Jesus.....

so it's almost Easter - but of course this is true all year round.....

Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'It is finished'....and on the third day, He rose from the grave...death was conquered-swallowed up in victory! One sacrifice that's totally life-changing for all who choose to follow.....

18th June.....

2011-04-12T21:01:00.002+01:00

We're going to get married on 18th June! How exciting!!

We will be having our marriage ceremony at 2pm followed by some puddings, cakes and speeches.....

We won't be sending out any formal wedding invitations but if you know either or both of us, we would really love you to come and share our special day with us....please can you email us at craig_ellie_wedding@yahoo.co.uk telling us how many of you would like to come (so we can cater accordingly) and we will send you full details of the wedding venue and plans by email.

As for wedding presents....we have slightly alternative plans....please visit here for more details!

Hope to see you there !

Dispelling the myths #1

2011-04-10T16:34:00.013+01:00

Myth #1...."Getting over it...."

When talking about grief recently, Ellie was asked a question about her journey 11 years down the line, "Aren't you over it now?" Both of us laughed at the question....the person asking the question did so in all seriousness with a good heart, and really didn't realise why we'd laughed.....

The Truth is, you don't ever "get over it." Ben was too big a part of Ellie's life for her to ever get over him, he was and always will be the father of her children, and he was a formative part of her character and all that she is....similarly for Karena and me.

Life has changed forever.

You just don't get over it...

The two bereavement courses I've been on both talked about learning to deal with grief. The best analogy I've heard is a squash ball and a glass. The ball being symbolic of your grief, and the glass being symbolic of your life. To start with, the ball totally fills the glass (ie. it's like a 'shot' glass), but as you deal with grief over time the glass expands around the ball - the ball is still there very much in evidence but it doesn't fill the glass anymore (ie. it's like a pint glass)....but most notable in the analogy is that the squash ball (grief) DOESN'T actually get any smaller...life just expands around it.

So I totally crashed and burned emotionally at church this morning responding to a prophetic word about loss/bereavement from the visiting speaker's wife....God is with us in our journeys, knows our pain and weeps with us.

It's just the way it is......

More dispelling myths another time.

We did it !

2011-04-09T22:46:00.004+01:00

The Team performed amazingly well this afternoon in our 5km swimathon for Marie Curie....hooray !

A visit to the doctor....

2011-04-05T18:56:00.005+01:00

So off I went last Friday to the doc's for my ear which still seems to be struggling with a bit of an infection after a couple of months!....but I got talking to the doctor about life....he, like me, is a Christian, is also a member of the Thames Valley Triathletes club....and we also have a common friend who is a doctor colleague of his at the same practice....suffice it to say I got into detail of life's journey over the last couple of years and I ended up having a bit of a cry (surprise, surprise) and then he asked me to complete a depression questionnairre....! (How exciting is that??)

My score on the test indicated I was at the upper end of the "slight depression" range. I did a similar test about 6 months ago at a gathering of local Christian leaders; that one was the 'Beck Depression Indicator' (quite a famous one I think) and that time I was also at the upper end of the "slight depression" range....so at least I'm a consistent saddo !!

What a great doctor - at the end of my appointment he prayed for me and I left having met with a fellow Christian heart-to-heart, had a prescription for ears drops, and had also met with the living God who never leaves nor forsakes us, even when we are somewhat depressed!

It must be time for a smiley face.....

Keep smiling !

Coming up soon....

2011-04-02T11:43:00.005+01:00

It's just one week to go before this year's Swimathon.
Team Mackay will be swimming 5km (200 lengths) for fun and also to raise some money for Marie Curie.
Had a mild panic in the week cuz we've only done one training session.....oooops....so it's down to the pool again tomorrow and at least another couple of times before next weekend ! Should be a giggle :-) If you'd like to sponsor us, please feel very free to do so.....by clicking here (and thank you !)

Blogs to come very soon....

A visit to the doctor
Dispelling the myths
Wedding Plans
Herons and the bigger picture

Today I'm feeling very grateful that I have breath in my body, healthy children, a beautiful fiance...and food on the table. Enjoy your day x

Hooray...we're back online !

2011-03-30T17:11:00.006+01:00

.....after 2 weeks unable to access the internet from home (much to my frustration with the chappies from Sky...grrrrrrr) So it's time for a splurge....the highlights are....

Reading Half Marathon completed with my mate Giles in a heart-busting (for me) time of 1:40:20. Was very chuffed with that - 5 minutes faster than last year and we kept a steady pace, only stopping for one cup of tea :-). If we do 5 minutes faster each year (and dont stop for tea) we should be on the podium by 2019....

Wedding plans are advancing well for 18 June - more on that in another blog very soon....but suffice it to say, it will be different, and YOU are invited !

2 houses are on the market....

Cooking ability seems to have stagnated :-(

Work is....manageable....every once in a while I panic a bit when the pressure is on but thankfully that's not too often. I think I might even be enjoying it (sometimes) and am still doing about 25 hours a week over 4 days.

Marriage prep starts for Ellie and I on 9th April :-)

I definitely don't cry as much as I did but can't ever be 'normal' again, that's for sure. Still feel very sad about life's journey in so many ways so often, even though I absolutely treasure my wonderful friendship and love for Ellie :-) (She's so fab !)

No. 3 has a new 3/4 size cello and has now decided she wants to be the next Jacqueline Du Pre so has started practising like the billio !

It's Mother's Day this weekend - I have a fabulous Mother, a fabulous Mother-in-law, and I'm engaged to another fabulous Mother....but the day will inevitably be totally overshadowed by the one mother who isn't here....(beam me up Scottie)...I don't suppose I can roll up and hide somewhere quiet with my children can I......?

For the last couple of months, my mind has been mulling over a text I received from a dear friend which read something like "I had an impression in my heart of Karena worshipping at God's throne with a big smile on her face, joyful, happy to be home; she wanted you and the children to live life and be happy." Hmmmm...

I'm really comforted that Karena is home safe and sound....we've all still got to make that difficult journey and the timing is totally out of our hands.....everything else in life is just smoke and mirrors by comparison.

Col 1:27....."God has chosen to make known....the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory"

END OF SPLURGE...

18th June is the big day !

2011-03-18T16:10:00.000Z

Rocks and stuff....

2011-03-08T21:51:00.004Z

Read these today....
Psalm 95:1 "Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord, let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation"

Heb 13:8 "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever"

Speaking of rocks.....

A ring made of haribo gold

2011-03-04T17:43:00.004Z

There once was a lady called Ellie,

She got lunch down the road at the Deli,

But - one day there came change,

And - a life rearrange!

Now her knees wibble-wobble like jelly!

The man, he was fearless and bold,

With a heart full of love and not cold,

He dropped down on one knee,

With a face full of glee.

Gave a ring made of haribo gold!

"I will" came her words in a rush,

He was startled and then turned to mush!

So they rushed to be wed,

(5 mouths still to be fed!),

Now they live in a house in a crush....

The years they passed happy and true,

A love made in heaven that grew,

Getting closer and stronger,

(and ears getting longer)...

then off to the Jesus they knew!

We're engaged !

The good and the bad...

2011-03-01T21:52:00.005Z

The good....

Ellie is a total joy to me
No. 3 has today got her place at Maiden Erlegh school
I have paid employment...and I've even found myself not analysing life for periods of time which makes a pleasant change :-)
I am up-to-date with my bible-in-a-year
I have employed the services of a cleaner - it costs a lot and lasts about a day. Who cares? :-)
It's no longer February
Friday's off work...long may it continue !

The not-so-good...

I find it really hard to concentrate at work
I still rarely go to bed before midnight...apparrently it's quite common for people like me !
My training for the Reading Half Marathon (just 19 days away) is practically non-existent !
My dog has forgotten what exercise is
Trying to think of what to cook tomorrow (a daily issue !)
Vodafone :-)

Blessings.....x

Hi hoooooo.....

2011-02-21T22:28:00.004Z

...it's off to work we go...

On Monday I started back at work at Foster Wheeler (where I used to be) - doing 4 days per week 9am-3pm so that I can still take/pick-up from school.
It's half term this week so I will do it all proper next week !

The strangest thing for me is that it's all the same. That might sound obvious - the work is the same, I go for coffee with the same people I used to, I park in the same place, I look out the window at the same horizon, I walk the same corridors, I do the same job on a similar project to last time....yet inside of me, it feels like the whole world has completely changed. It's very strange !
Tuesday was really hard - work piled on - and I realised that where I used to be able to thrive under some pressure, I really can't do that in the same way now.....to be totally honest I felt quite panicky !
Today has been better as I've reminded myself of Heb 13:8 - "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever".
At least He doesn't change !

Ellie's story....

2011-02-19T18:43:00.002Z

9th February 2000 was a normal day in the Webster household. Overnight everything changed.

Ellie was awoken just before 1am by the sound of her husband Ben 'choking'. Within half an hour he had died and gone to glory,aged 28. The paramedics could do nothing. Ellie was taken to hospital in a police car. There was no warning and no previous history of serious illness. They were two terms into bible college, pursuing the call of God on their lives. Their son was aged 2 and their daughter was to celebrate her 1st birthday just 12 days later.

Jan 2010 - 10 years later living as a single parent bringing up her two children alone and Ellie was still utterly crushed by the tragedy of that night. She had been a Christian since a very young age and knew that bad things happen - and asking God 'Why?' was a fruitless question - there would be no answer.
Yet in it all she knew too that Jesus was by her side everyday through all the tears, through all the pain & through the long years. He was her strength and comfort through unimaginable grief.

Ellie and Ben had a good marriage, loved each other deeply and expected to live a 'normal' life.

Ellie and I talked first at the "A different journey" bereavement weekend run by Care for The Family. Since June last year we've spent long hours talking most nights, crying, grieving, aching and hurting. We laugh sometimes too!!! In it all has been the unmistakeable presence of the Comforter, the Holy Spirit.
Ellie has been a gift from God to me in my darkest hours, a fabulous companion and somebody who has uniquely 'been there' and knows the gut-wrenching pain.

Ellie has no idea why her husband died, I have no idea why my wife died. But I'm so grateful to this lady who's passion for Jesus is inspirational to me, and who's friendship, care and love has been exceptional through the very toughest of times. I love her very much, she has become my very closest and most special friend.

Immediately....

2011-02-18T14:51:00.003Z

When Peter got out of the boat onto the water in Matt 14, he began to sink even though Jesus had called him out onto the water....the bible says....

When he (Peter) saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!". IMMEDIATELY JESUS REACHED OUT HIS HAND AND CAUGHT HIM. "You of little faith" he said, "Why did you doubt?"

To summarise the last couple of days for me - 'blind panic' !
I have done way too much worrying in the last few days....about the future, about children, about relationships, about homes about about about...and way too little trusting. But thanks to godly council from the lovely Ellie, from Sean and from Becca too (thanks !), I realise that I had totally taken my focus off the one person who gives peace in spite of life's turmoil , who's burden is light and in who's presence is fullness of joy......I can't believe I make the same mistakes over and over again! So calling out in despair (yes, that's the right word!), it feels like Jesus has immediately reached out his hand to save me from drowning once again (he never left me of course, but His tangible presence is much more real now that I am trusting again !)
I am so glad that Jesus is 'Emmanuel, God with Us', and that he will never leave nor forsake his people. Where would I be without Him ?

He is not here....

2011-02-12T17:26:00.004Z

One year on.....

Luke 24:1-6

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright, the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; He has risen !"

Therein lies our hope, our confidence, our comfort....one year on....

Rise up....

2011-02-08T19:08:00.005Z

Where to start.....???!

On Sunday a dear friend from church who's walked a similar dark road to me, asked,"How are you - really?"

The answer after some thought was "OK - I think...." but in truth I'm far from OK....not sure if it's the time of year (I haven't done the 1st anniversary quite yet!) but today and yesterday I have again been awash with tears, heartache, and overwhelming sadness. Totally gut-wrenching , and definitely not "OK, I think!"

I read Psalm 31 this morning.....verses 9 and 14 summarise things well.....

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
...But I trust in you, O LORD,
I say, "You are my God"...

So today I've cried and cried and I've been listening to this song over and over and over and over again (thanks Ellie x).....

Sometimes it literally feels like you're just hanging on with your finger tips !

Beam me up Scottie.....

Some new friends.....

2011-02-03T20:50:00.004Z

A week ago I started a church-based bereavement course...yesterday was session #2 with the endearing title "Experiencing the pain of grief (part 1)." (Part 1!!!????)
We looked at emotions, feelings, behaviour, thought life and health/physical sensations which grief provokes. As you can imagine it was a bit of a tear jerker....but the good news is that I'm amongst people who (those I didn't already know) have very quickly become friends because we are all on the same painful road....
So, it's back for "Experiencing the pain of grief (part #2)" next week....oh joy !

3 things I read yesterday which I find incredibly provocative :-

"Joy is not the absence of pain but the presence of God" (Pierre Teilhard de Chardin - whoever he is !)
"To have life in focus we must have death in our field of vision" (Nigel McCulloch-Bishop of Manchester)
"Come to me, all you who are burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Jesus of Nazareth)

Swimathon 2011

2011-01-31T21:48:00.004Z

Well, I did manage to swim every day for a week, and twice on the Friday, which felt great ! ....right up to the point where I got an ear infection...which really was not pleasant at all ! Doh !

One course of Antibiotic drops later...and I seem to be able to hear somewhat better again ! The only benefit of not being able to hear so well was that, for a whole week, the children's "robust discussions" (yes, I'm being generous !) were a lot quieter !

So as "Team Mackay", we've decided to do the Marie Curie 5km Swimathon thing again this year...If you'd like to sponsor us, please feel very very very very free to do so by clicking here !

I guess we'll need to do some training tho, so I'll keep the antibiotic drops, just in case !

Swim time.....

2011-01-18T22:19:00.003Z

So I managed to get a free swim ticket for the local pool for a whole week so have decided to try to go everyday for swim + steam room too....tee hee ! Yesterday, just after I arrived, a scripture popped into my head (as they do!) which I haven't considered for some time. It was this...

Phil 3:13-14 "...Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"

Of course I can't literally 'forget what is behind' (I wouldn't want to - there's loads of very happy memories there, as well as the more recent sad ones!).
My 'Bible Speaks Today' commentary says this about the passage....

Forgetting what is behind "...is the sort of dwelling on the past that hinders our present effort and our future progress. We do well to gently remind ourselves that a bereavement can sometimes make Christians live in the past.....by contrast, the progressing Christian must cultivate a concentrated forward look to where the goal lies. This requires determination - straining forward...pressing on"

The goal and prize is "What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived - the things that God has prepared for those who love Him" (1 Cor 2:9)

So, today and tomorrow I will press on..... (in the swimming as well!!)

The last first.....

2011-01-11T12:58:00.003Z

Friday was the last first of the year.....it was no. 3's first birthday since the great sadness....we've now done all first birthdays since, the first summer holidays since, first Mother's Day since, first Father's Day since, first wedding anniversary since, first Christmas since....etc etc.

The only first that remains is the first anniversary of the great sadness which is just one month away.

Absolutely no idea how that will be, but I will take council from dear Ellie who's (very sadly) walking this same path and who's done the great sadness anniversary many times before. For her it's Feb 10th, for me it's Feb 12th.......so I am rather hoping to come across Dr Who sometime soon, who (in my ideal scenario) will take us and our children into his Tardis and drop us back on planet earth on Feb 13th 2011. Failing that tho, I reckon it's Ps 62:5-6 once again....

My Soul finds rest on God,

My hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress I will not be shaken.

Grey Squirrel #5

2011-01-06T23:33:00.003Z

Yesterday was visit No. 5 to Grey Squirrel.
Talked about this Christmas and New Year, memories of last year's, and then moved onto some other painful memories and my need to forgive certain people (don't ask for details !!)
Lots more tears there....worth it tho....forgiveness is a choice, no matter how hard it is. So it was all positive.
Felt like another 5 rounds with Mike Tyson by the time I'd left.

That was my last planned session with Grey Squirrel. She seems to think I can be trusted to lead a relatively normal life ! She's been absolutely fabulous ! (But I'm not sure life will ever be 'normal' again)

So tonight I will sleep with this on my mind...
Ps 4:8 "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety"

Goodnight. Sleep well x

2011....

2011-01-03T11:46:00.003Z

I didn't think 2010 was ever going to end.....I don't want to wish my life away (most of the time at least!) but I'm really glad 2010 is over...

New Year celebrations were good fun....games, walks, food, auld langs syne, dancing and laughter with friends and ooodles of children....

Some goals for the year (there will be more as we go !)....

Be a devoted follower of Jesus Christ. (Summarised here)
Read Bible-In-A-Year; stick to reading plan (Am on target but it's only day 3 !)
Spend more time on my knees
Become a better father; more patient, gentle and caring.
Play my guitar
Get a job

Stuff I'm grateful for today

Annus horribilis is finished (but it's effects will be with me for the rest of my days)
Friends, friends, friends
Christmas is over and decorations are now uninstalled !

Aslan, Caspian and Reepicheep

2010-12-27T18:06:00.012Z

So Boxing Day ended with an impromptu trip to the cinema to see the latest Narnia film, Voyage of The Dawn Treader. Great film !

The closing scene of the film has the main character's at the edge of Aslan's land (paradise) which is characterised as a wall of water next to a beach. Once you enter Aslan's land you cannot leave.

Caspian walks to the edge, puts his hand in the sheer wall of water and returns saying something along the lines of "I've spent too much time wanting what has been taken, and not on what has been given". Caspian wants to enter that land but (somewhat reluctantly) comes back to complete all that Aslan wants him to do.

Reepicheep, the valiant brave warrior on the other hand, throw's his sword away saying, "This is my heart's desire" and runs to the water's edge, jumps into his little boat, then he paddles up the wall of water with a broad smile and clear expectation on his face - and into Aslan's land...never to be seen again in Narnia.

I told the counsellor recently that I felt like I'd walked to the gates of glory....I, like Caspian, had to return; Karena, like Reepicheep, went into Aslan's land....but Aslan (Jesus) was with them both on this tough journey.

I blubbed my way out of the cinema; the parallel's were astounding.
CS Lewis was a genius! I will now re-read the book!

And my favourite Narnia quote about Aslan...."He's not a safe Lion, but He is good"

Images of Christmas....

2010-12-25T22:05:00.004Z

Isaiah 9 : 6 "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace..."

The first Christmas...

2010-12-23T23:08:00.002Z

I've been trying not to do too much "This time last year...." stuff but it's really very difficult...I naturally remember dates and events with my "Captain-Logical" brain :-(
The whole situation was accurately described to me today as feeling like you've been taken out of one life and dropped into a completely different life which you didn't ask for or want!

This year, Christmas will be different for us - we will be spending Christmas Day with very dear friends and then meeting up with family on Boxing Day - hopefully there will be lots of laughter, and not many tears. I really just want the children to have a good time really!

But as we approach our first Christmas since the great sadness, I'm reminded of the bible teaching about the first Christmas...."The Word (Jesus) became flesh and made his dwelling amongst us....". (John 1:14)
When you peel away all the hype, all the nonsense, all the fairytale, all the myth and get to the core of what really happened 2000 years ago, the simple truth is that the God of all things, for whom nothing is too hard, was humbled, he surrendered his glory and was made man, in the most outrageous move he could possibly have made....
I read yesterday...."There are lots of important truths in the gospel, but they all depend on this one. The cross made possible freedom from sin, and the resurrection secured it, but the writing was on the wall the day Mary got pregnant. It is not exaggeration to say that the incarnation - God becoming flesh - is the most scandalous teaching anyone has ever given. More scandalously, it is completely true"
That was the first Christmas....it's totally life changing... :-)

PS : Sorry if you were expecting a Christmas card from us this year - I just couldn't bring myself to write 4 names instead of 5 on card-after-card!.....but....we do wish you a very Merry Christmas , and much love to you ! x

Nuts and stuff....

2010-12-15T16:40:00.008Z

Today was visit #4 to Grey Squirrel....

I talked and talked for another hour.....about the future, children, work, and moving on generally.

Today though I didn't have a big agenda like I have done on previous visits. Good to do more splurging through!

Grey Squirrel is truly exceptional at listening and interjecting at just the right point....she really is a square peg in a square hole (and I told her so !)

Yesterday I went to talk to somebody about a part time job working at a drop-in centre in Reading, but have decided not to apply for it, but hope to do some voluntary work there in the New Year (if they'll have me!)... When I was out tho, I also saw a giant wooden cross and was reminded of Jesus' words, "Whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple..." (Luke 14:27)

Today I also visited a dear christian couple who are both blind and have daily difficulties - the like of which, I have never experienced. I came away blessed beyond expectation just by being with them for an hour.

I wonder what is ahead in this crazy life??!!.....it certainly feels totally nuts sometimes (I'm sure Grey Squirrel would agree!). Tee, hee !

So.....stuff I'm grateful for today :-

The unchanging good news of Jesus Christ (life in all it's fullness - John 10:10 !)
My eyesight
My children
Good friends
Central Heating
Chocolate

Footprints of Grey Squirrel

2010-12-09T14:41:00.005Z

Yesterday it was back to see Grey Squirrel (aka Sonia the counsellor) for session #3.
My plan was to talk about fears....

Fears I have for my children
Fears I have for the future (what if...)
Fear of death (the process)

During all my splurging, I recalled Christmas eve last year and listening to a song with Karena and both crying together in each others arms whilst listening to it sitting in the kitchen.

Grey Squirrel later reminded me of the famous Footprints in the Sand poem. The poem is a fair summary of the last year really....the same Lord who carried Karena through her final days is the one who has carried me and the children throughout this massively emotional year.
When Grey Squirrel mentioned the poem, it suddenly clicked in my brain that the very song Karena and I had listened to that tearful day was 'Footprints in the Sand' by Leona Lewis.

Have a listen by clicking here and let the grace of God wash over you as you do so...it works for me, even if it does make me cry. Go on.....STOP, listen and open your heart up to the living God - it's only 4 minutes of your life!!

Today, I've been out with a dear friend, laughing and enjoying life for a change !

Revisiting Grey Squirrel

2010-12-03T14:38:00.009Z

Wednesday's visit to Grey Squirrel was visit number 2.
I went armed with some photos and a hard copy of my blog covering Karena's journey to glory.

I read lots, relived tonnes of memories (mostly sad), and cried a lot. Another hour of my life over with.

Am hoping that there is healing in all the tears, otherwise I'm totally wasting my time. For the last 2 days since then I've just felt totally flat, fizz-less, without much emotional energy at all.

My fabulous friend Ellie, who's journeyed this same path, says that it's all very normal. Personally I'm not sure I'll ever be 'normal' again.

Back to Grey squirrel for session #3 next week.

Stuff I'm grateful for today :-

The unchanging gospel - without which, there is, quite simply, no hope whatsoever!
My counselling 'team'- particularly Grey Squirrel, Ellie, Sean and Tim.
My Land Rover in the snow (hill starts on snow and ice just for fun !)

A pinch and a punch.....

2010-12-01T21:57:00.010Z

So, it's the 1st of December...which means Christmas is just around the corner !

Am trying not to think too hard about last year's Christmas - but the snow brings back an awful lot of memories ('awful' being the operative word !).

I went to see Grey Squirrel again today; last session was cancelled - I like to think it's because I'm too much of an emotional challenge, but actually I think she just had a better offer ! More on today's visit to Grey Squirrel on the next blog.....

So, as it's December, we've been out tonight and bought our Christmas tree, so the children have been busy decorating it this evening, accompanied by some very (annoying) cheesey Christmas music :-)

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a panic about the prospect of having to sort out lots of Christmas presents (In all previous years , I've only bought for one person !!), so I decided to start Christmas shopping early!...I then got quite focussed and have now managed to buy all presents, and have even wrapped them all (including stockings)....so I thought a smug blog was called for...tee hee...all presents wrapped, Christmas tree up, outside lights on (first in the street!), and we even made mince pies tonight (my first time ever !). Am feeling ever so prepared ! I must've forgotten something !

Shhhh - I thought I heard sleigh bells.....

Comedy moments....

2010-11-25T08:04:00.006Z

So the birthday was OK in the end.... after eating gigantic tortillas from "The Mexican" in town - stuffed with meat and beans and sour cream and sauce etc, we came home and watched Harry Hill on dvd with popcorn and chocolate....and laughed a lot ! Was glad when the day was over with tho !!

A couple of months ago No.3 daughter found a piece of plastic in her dinner - it's origin was a jar of pasta sauce (it was a rush meal !!) - so I phoned the company (Mars) - they requested that I send them the piece of plastic and the bar code from the jar - which I did. Their first letter received after a month advised, "I have started to investigate the incident; however it may take some time to complete. You have my assurance....."
I forgot all about it until yesterday's post arrived......another letter following their detailed investigation which reads, "After analysing the sample you returned we have positively identified the material as being a piece of plastic."
I was thinking I might apply for a job in their forensic science department :-)

Just another day....

2010-11-15T09:23:00.004Z

Not sure what to write really....it's Karena's birthday.

Getting out of bed was a struggle.

Tonight we're going out for dinner. I know Karena would have wanted us to enjoy ourselves so I will go through the motions and try to muster up some enthusiasm...but the blanket-like weight of heaviness that hangs from my heart sometimes feels totally overwhelming; today is one of those days.

A good friend reminded me this morning of Rom 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Gonna try to cling onto Jesus today as best as I can....in memory of my wife, I will start with cappuccino....

Introducing Grey Squirrel...

2010-11-11T11:19:00.007Z

So yesterday was counselling day....never been to a counsellor before so another first experience! The counsellor is a lovely Christian lady who I will call 'Grey Squirrel' (just because it's all 'confidential' and I'm silly!).
I took along with me some photos & Karena's diary.....

Spent an hour talking through memories, pain I have for my children, the journey, the future, and all that I know God is doing in me and speaking to me about....tissues were in ample supply !!

At the end of the (very long) hour, I came out with a headache but felt peaceful knowing that I'd offloaded, and I also knew that the Healer, the Holy Spirit, was very much present in our time together.

Having listened to my story, Grey Squirrel told me, amongst other things, that I was very special (always good to hear !) and that God has big plans for the future! :-)

Back for some more splurging next week.....

Nehemiah 8:10 "...for the joy of the Lord is your strength"

Resting in the shadow....

2010-11-08T21:09:00.003Z

So the clocks have gone back, the evenings are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping and the shadows are lengthening.....

This morning I went for a long run in the rain, and as I did so I was reminded of a scripture which went over and over in my head.....about resting in the shadow....not any old shadow - but resting in the shadow of the Almighty. I knew I needed to speak to a very dear friend about it....but as I've reflected, I know it's also so very true for me and my family too- the only shadow I really want to lengthen in our lives is the shadow of the Almighty.

Psalm 91 : 1-2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty,
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust".

So it's time for rest - which means dwelling in the shelter of the Most High and resting in the shadow that only He can give me - a shadow of refuge.

a father's love...

2010-11-01T14:11:00.008Z

I have always been careful not to write on here much about my children and the journey that they are each on - because, as their father (with all my flaws and failings) I love them dearly and am massively protective of them, and their journey is private to them, and to anybody they choose to share parts of it with.

In some ways I can cope with losing my wife and best friend because of the confidence I have in where she is. My biggest ongoing frustrations and tears are for my children who also have to walk this road which can so often be filled with overwhelming emotions and unexpected sadness. My struggle as their father is that I can't take the pain away from them. I would willingly take all their pain, all their tears, all their sadness if it meant that they didn't have to experience it. Unfortunately I just can't do that and so - when they hurt, it hurts me so much that I literally ache inside.

Today has been gut-wrenching for me for this very reason.....walking around town struggling to put one foot in front of the other, continuously wiping away tears because of the pain of one of my children...and my mind inevitably turns to God The Father, and I wonder at His pain at seeing his one and only Son suffering and dying on the cross at Calvery....
.... and I'm utterly undone as I realise that my aching love for my children is just a poor reflection of the aching love of The Father as He watched His Son Jesus take the punishment that we deserve. That's the love of The Father.

1 John 3:16 "This is how we know what love is : Jesus Christ laid down his life for us"

Turn your eyes.....

2010-10-19T21:45:00.006+01:00

A dear friend told me recently that we safely delivered dear Karena into the presence of her saviour....I do know that she's really home now and having a fabulous time in the presence of Jesus.
For me, I can't get this song out of my head for these last few days and the desire to gaze upon the face of Jesus is stronger now than it's ever been I think; everything else certainly pales into insignificance and into proper perspective in light of the glorious gospel....

Please join me today - whether through laughter or through tears - and let's turn our eyes together.....

Hebrews 12:2 : Let us fix our eyes upon Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God

Song Lyrics :
You said all that follow You may find
Comfort and pain, blessings in hard times,
Were I to leave, where else would I go ?
The words of life and truth You hold.

All I want is love,
I confess to this
I will take it Lord,
All You have to give.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things on earth
Will grow strangely dim,
In the light of his glory and grace.....

Another first....

2010-10-13T22:51:00.004+01:00

Yesterday it was 8 months since 'The Great Sadness"....

On Monday I had another first....this time, one which took me very much by surprise....we had a good friend over for dinner and I set the table for six......it wasn't until I brought the last plate of food across to the table that I realised that the four of us and our friend already had plates in front of us and I was holding one spare portion ;-(
Looking on the bright side I suppose, we all got some extra chicken ;-( A bit sad tho !

Have decided to try and arrange some Christian counselling particularly in light of the tsunami-type problems that I have....talking about it all can only help !

Have a lovely day ;-)

Tsunami !

2010-10-06T17:44:00.010+01:00

I really wasn't expecting it....the Tsunami, that is...
...but then again, I think it's been building for a little while.....and it arrived yesterday, and seemed to build in magnitude as the day progressed, before the tide seemed to draw back again today !

Poetic language maybe, but that really describes how it all happened in terms of the overwhelming emotional onslaught of the day.....totally awash with tears, awash with painful memories of watching my dearest friend slowly die, awash with memories of conversations, awash with shatterred hopes and dreams, awash with desperation over what my children no longer have....totally and completely overwhelming - an emotional tsunami !
I didn't even have the energy to pray; thankfully tho my dearest friends will listen, will cry with me, and will pray for me when I don't feel able.....

It's said that grief hits you in waves - well almost 8 months down the line, it was an absolutely huge one; hopefully it won't return in the same way again !!

It's really well described in the words of a song I have been listening to today (listen here)....

...and in the words of a dear friend, "I have been praying for you this morning, for healing and comfort that I just can't give you myself, but that God can..."

Today is another day, thankfully !

Live Strong....

2010-09-28T11:10:00.007+01:00

I've been thinking a lot about strength over these last few days....

Lance Armstrong has coined the expression "Live Strong" for his cancer charity, but living strong is a clear bible theme through both good times and bad times....

After a disastrous time, David (1Sam 30:6b) "...found strength in the Lord his God"...and...

After a successful time, David sang (Psalm 18:1-2),"I love you, O Lord, my strength...the Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer...my God is my rock" (Wish I knew the tune !)

And some other favourites...

"The Lord is the strength of His people" (Ps 28:8)

"Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power." (Eph 6:10)

With that in mind I'm toying with thoughts of trying to find some suitable part time work. I was originally planning to leave it until next year but think it would be good to do sooner rather than later.....there's a finite amount of dog walking, shopping trips and house cleaning that a man can stand !! Guess I'd better start praying then.....

Another gaspathon.....

2010-09-15T15:58:00.005+01:00

Well...the big race took place on Sunday - my only Olympic-distance triathlon this year (I was just warming up and the season is ending....doh!)

Sadly I didn't finish in the top 10 (!!) but did manage to finish in the top 100 (!) with a reasonable time (considering the amount of training put in) of just under 2hours 45mins - but it was the most enjoyable race I think I've done simply because I did it alongside my great friend - and we worked hard all the way through the swim, bike and run legs...all the way to the finish line...together !!
There's a few photos on the internet here if you're interested !

As I completed the gruelling 10km run at the end of the race I had 2 scriptures on my mind (whilst gasping for breath !!) -
1 Cor 9:24 "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize"
1 Tim 4:8 "For physical training is of some value but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come."
We made it to the end of the race - alive !!

Yesterday I couldn't get out of my mind that God is a "consuming fire" (Heb 12:29) and through tears I was reminded that He wants all of me, my passions, my desires, my hopes, my fears, my time, my energy..... after all that's happened over this last year, life can never be the same again and the call to follow Jesus, to take up my cross, and to live for His glory and for His purposes, feels stronger for me now than it's ever been.....
Let's face it, based on Sunday's mediocre performance, I'm never likely to win a triathlon anyway ;-)

Back to school....

2010-09-07T15:48:00.001+01:00

....Thank goodness for that !!

Just to be with you, I will give everything....

2010-08-23T10:34:00.003+01:00

This is one of my top favourite songs at the moment - you might like to listen here !

My Spurgeon bible reading notes this morning are absolutely spectacular :-

Isaiah 65:19 "I will rejoice in Jerusalem and be glad in my people; no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping and the cry of distress"

Spurgeon writes :
"In heaven the glorified do not weep, for all outward causes of grief are gone. There are no broken friendships, nor unfulfilled longings in heaven. Poverty, famine, danger, persecution, and slander are unknown there. There will be no pain to distress us, no anxious thoughts of death or bereavement to sadden. Those there do not weep, for they are perfectly sanctified. No evil heart of unbelief prompts them to depart from the living God; they are faultless before His throne and fully conformed to His image. Well might they stop mourning since they have stopped sinning. They do not weep, because all fear of change is past. They know that they are eternally secure. Sin is shut out, and they are shut in. They are safe in a city that will never be taken; they bask in a sun that shall never set; they drink of a river that will never run dry; they pluck fruit from a tree that will never wither. Countless cycles may revolve, but eternity will not be exhausted; and while eternity endures, their immortality and blessedness shall endure with it. They are forever with the Lord. They do not weep because every desire is fulfilled. They cannot wish for anything that they do not have. Eye and ear, heart and hand, judgement, imagination, hope, desire and will - all the faculties are completely satisfied...they bathe themselves in the bottomless, shoreless sea of infinite blessing. That same joyful rest awaits us. It may not be too long before the weeping willow is exchanged for the palm branch of victory, and sorrow's tears will be transformed into the pearls of everlasting bliss."

What a confidence!
What a calling!
What a hope!

Truly, Karena has arrived home. Wish I was there too.

I am His and He is mine...

2010-08-13T08:21:00.005+01:00

6 months on....

Song of Songs 6:3 - "I am my beloved's and He is mine, he grazes among the lillies. " (ESV)

Matthew Henry commentary describes it thus :

"Christ's church is a garden, enclosed, and separated from the world; he takes care of it, delights in it and visits it.....When Christ comes to his church, it is to entertain his friends. And to take believers to himself : he picks the lillies one by one, and at the great day, he will send forth his angels to gather all his lillies, that he may be forever admired in them. The death of a believer is not more than the owner of a garden plucking a favourite flower; and He will preserve it from withering, yea, cause it to flourish forever, with increasing beauty. If our own hearts can witness for us that we are Christ's, question not his being ours, for the covenant never breaks on his side. "

Jesus is emmanuel; God with us. I'm so glad ;-)

Hold me in Your arms....

2010-07-30T08:17:00.006+01:00

I had a song buzzing around in my mind yesterday (Check it out here) as I once again recalled the events of Feb 12th with tears in my eyes, as I wandered through Reading town centre.
Aside from me, I am aware of so many other people with life-challenging situations - alcohol addiction, grieving the death of a precious husband, work related stress, bad news about an unborn child.....

What's the answer to all of this ?
It's in the God who never leaves nor forsakes us - the answer is in that precious relationship which has been made available through Jesus' death and resurrection. So glad He's with me through every step of life.....I marvel how anybody can do life without Him?!
When everything else is stripped away, when all else fails, when credit cards can't buy the answer, when people can't meet the need, when bereavement happens (as surely it will), Jesus still remains....the same yesterday, today and forever....a rock, a fortress, reliable, dependable, faithful, caring, loving, healing....

Song Lyrics :

I long to know You
Only You can satisfy
I long to touch You
Only You can heal my life

I can't find peace in the things I do
I need to see Your kingdom
I can't find peace as I strive for You
I need to see Your face

Hold me in Your arms
Don't ever let me run away
Hold me in Your arms my Father
Say You'll stay, say You'll stay.

People, people, people....

2010-07-21T22:24:00.010+01:00

Yesterday was utter madness....a ferry to the Isle of Wight nice and early and then 64 miles / 4 1/2 hours later and Sean, James and I had circum-navigated the Isle of Wight on our rocket-bikes. For more details, on our epic adventure, see the Green-boy's blog

I was thinking that we must be clinically insane (we probably are!) - but it turned out to be an enjoyable day :-)

I ask myself sometimes why I do these things - and when it comes down to it, it's not really the 'thing' that's enjoyable, it's doing the 'thing' with people that I love that really makes the big difference....these last months have made me appreciate the importance of close friends and family more and more.

So today, I bought some sunflowers for myself and some for a family that I love dearly, just because they are a radiant example of God's creation, they made me smile, and because life is all about knowing God's presence and is also about people, people, people....

In better words than any I can muster up, Jesus said it this way..."Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind, AND... love your neighbour as yourself" (Matt 22:37-39)

My challenge to you today is to tell those closest to you that you love them - they probably know it already - but tell them anyway face-to-face if you can......and why not phone a friend and tell them the same thing. It'll brighten their day, your day and I'm sure God will be smiling too :-)

Race for Life....

2010-07-17T20:52:00.006+01:00

Photos from todays Race For Life featuring lots of friends running in "Team Karena...." (the dalmation is nothing to do with it but is just quite cute!!)....

Everybody who ran in Team Karena did really well - a fabulous team effort!!

If you still want to sponsor the team, please do so.... here

The Race For Life per Heb 12:1-2....

"...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God"

"I do..."

2010-07-10T09:07:00.008+01:00

10th July 1993 probably isn't that significant a date to most people....for me though it was a life changer....I really landed jam-side-up that day !

17 years later I'm still so glad that Karena said "I do" because she totally changed my life in the process. This year of course there are no anniversary cards, & no hopes for our future married life together...in their place there are just shatterred hopes,shatterred dreams, tears and sadness.

In my bible reading notes this morning I have been reading about the goodness of God from Psalm 34:8

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man that takes refuge in him"

...and the commentary notes read as follows :-

Some people misunderstand the idea that God is good, and take it to mean that bad things will never happen. Then, because of the results of the Fall - things like death and sin and sickness and abuse and earthquakes - still happen, they get angry with God....but in verse 19 the psalmist makes the remarkable announcement "Many are the afflictions of the righteous" which is the exact opposite of what many people today would think. Even with a good God who is sovereign over everything and has the power to do whatever he likes, good people still suffer. The punch-line comes in the next phrase though..."but the Lord delivers you out of them all".....and "no-one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him" (vs 22)

My theology is clear, but I still feel sad most of the time ! So....exactly 17 years after saying "I do", I will cling onto the most important person that Karena introduced me to just a few months before we were married - Jesus - He alone is my Helper, my Comforter, my Hope, my Salvation, my Rock, my Fortress & my Song....

...and when He asks "Will you follow me wherever it leads and however hard it is?"...

...through tears, I reply "I do".

It's all about the journey....

2010-07-01T06:16:00.012+01:00

Two weeks ago I cycled to Windsor Great Park to the place where we scattered Karena's ashes. What struck me when I got there was how high the grass had grown - about a metre - of course time has marched on and, if left unattended, grass tends to do that type of thing. There I prayed and told God that I knew it was time to move on....

Yesterday I fancied a long bike ride so headed back towards Windsor - but this time I didn't stop at the Great Park but stayed on the road and raced all the way into Windsor then back out in a big loop around the route of the Windsor triathlon and then back home. It felt a little strange to stay on the road and not stop as I passed - but Karena isn't there anyway, she is with Jesus in a far more beautiful place and will certainly never be forgotten by everyone who loved her.

I was quite chuffed with the cycling - for the saddo fitness fanatics like me, the stats are : 76km, 2hrs & 33mins, 30kph average speed, 67kph max speed (on the road into Windsor - it's downhill and I was pushing hard !).....I was quite tired at the end of it all ! After 'working' so hard I decided to go out for a lunchtime panini - it had scrambled egg, bacon, sausage, and ketchup in it and was a taste sensation! ....but I cried going there in the car and over lunch too as I keep reliving parts of life's recent journey ;-(

In a few weeks time I'm planning (weather permitting) to cycle around the Isle of Wight with Sean and James - will look forward to that but the boys are going to struggle keeping up with me ;-)

In my bible reading notes today I read (based on Jer 32:17)...."Nothing is too hard for the God who created the heavens and the earth". I'm sure that includes healing a heart which is still very very bruised...

The good news is, tomorrow it's my birthday - 42 !

Take off your sandals.....

2010-06-27T07:43:00.006+01:00

Am sitting in the garden at the start of a new day reflecting on the events of the last two... The weekend I have been on was entitled "A Different Journey" and intended for young bereaved people who have lost their husband or wife. I arrived on Friday night with zero expectation after sorting out the children, the dog, the cats and the chickens......

There were about 20 or so people all united by one thing-grief. Each person with a different gut-wrenching story of a loved one who had died, some with young children, some with older children, some with none at all - but everyone laden by hurt and pain. Tissues were in ample supply as tears flowed, memories and emotional pain were discussed, unfulfilled dreams were mourned and much much more.
The thing that totally undid me more that anything was answering the question "What lives on in you that you received from your loved one?".....and I relived the days afresh back in 1992 when Karena introduced me to Jesus, and my life was to be forever transformed by Him. She's not here now but Jesus still is, and unmistakeably in the weekend through all the tears, through brokenness, I also had an overwhelming sense of the Comforter's presence and a sense that I was in so many ways '...standing on holy ground.'

Driving home at midnight last night I listened (very loudly) to my latest favourite song, this one is by Third Day - check it out here
So it's off to the sea for a long swim now....no idea why really.....

Father's Day +

2010-06-20T22:51:00.005+01:00

What a fabulous day....children brought me a cup of tea in bed so I watched the highlights of yesterday's football whilst supping a brew in bed ! It doesn't get much better ;-)

Then we had church which is always full of life as you get re-focussed afresh on what life is really all about...then church bbq, footy match against the youngsters, and tea with family. Feel pleasantly tired tonight ;-)

So the result of the image poll was quite convincing - of the 33votes cast, over half seem to think that I should stay free of facial hair and wigs. So this week I have grown a beard ;-)

And so to the week ahead....
On Friday I am off to "A Different Journey" weekend organised by "Care For The Family" for those who have been bereaved early in life. Not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not really....but will take my bike just in case I need to get some space!!
This last week I have been more tearful again...so no idea how the weekend thing will be. I guess it can only help...
Unfortunately though (being an airhead like I am)...I have actually double booked myself for Sunday - I have also booked myself into the Bournemouth pier-to-pier sea swim in aid of the British Heart Foundation - just decided to do it for a larf really (is it fun????)....so I'll be swimming with about 1000 other people for 1.4miles on Sunday whilst being bashed by waves ;-) I can hardly wait !! Children will be watching from the beach at their mad father.
If you fancy sponsoring me, please click here.....(and thank you !)
Training in the lake has been good though so I am as ready as I am likely to be. Bring it on....

A new image.....

2010-06-10T23:11:00.009+01:00

The question is - what do you think of the new image - it's still in development at the moment and I'd appreciate your preferred option by voting (it's your democratic right) - please vote using the buttons on the right hand side - you can vote for more than one.....
If you look really carefully you might even notice that in one of the photos I'm actually wearing a wig.....

Photo 1-Bearded wonder

Photo 2 - Goatie

Photo 3 - Fumanchu

Photo 4 - Largey

Photo 5 - Shorty

Photo 6 -It's just not nice

Photo 7 - Smoothie

Photo 8 - Something new

Would you buy a used car from this man ?